Just had a MASSIVE row with hubby. ok so we had to go to see his grandma and his dad today who are lovely. However I now always feel like a complete failure when I'm there as I'm not working at the moment because of the mc's and obviously because I 'can't' have children. So before we even go there I have panic attacks. His dad is great and sympathetic and never talks about it but his grandma has a way of probing. Today she said:. So when are you going to go and make a living again? . First of all. Have terrible issues with not working and I'm desperate to get back as soon as I have a successful pregnancy. She knows why I'm off but I politely explained that apart from the emotional devastation (enough right?) the medical appointments we've had to go to during pregnancy and in between would have got me into a lot of trouble anyway. Also emotionally I would not have coped at all as I don't cope not working with panic attacks etc. I know im more of a wimp that most of you brave ladies who are still working. But my job was with children and apart from anything else i was not safe to teach, i wouldnt be looking after them properly. My husband sat there and said nothing. Nothing. He didn't back me up and say how much I've been through. He said he was so shocked that I mentioned the word miscarriage in my answer that he couldnt say anything. My answer was that I will go back to work when I stop miscarrying which is the truth I really didn't think of anything else I could say!! I am so upset and disappointed that he didn't back me up politely with something about how difficult it has been. I mean the medical appointments alone (which my hubby has pushed for too) would have made teaching impossible along with the time to recover physically! I cried while I was there. It was AWFUL as I had to not let on I was crying. I think they thought something was up but I managed to grin and bear it. I'm so upset. My hubby wouldnt even let us make excuses to go home as I was sitting there with my hari covering my face to hide the tears. . Managed to put on a brave face to say bye but we have had the biggest row as he doesn't understand why I was left feeling such a failure and so 'pathetic' with no back up of any description from hubby. . What do you honestly think girls, do you think I am in the wrong?
Oh Fili, I'm soo sorry!
You have every right to be upset and every right to expect your dh to stand up for you. Sometimes I think men just get blindsided when you come out and answer honestly to inappropriate questions. And, allowances for age aside, his grandmother was being inappropriate! I'm a teacher too. I've left the school environment and started tutoring privately, because the stress of ttc and miscarriage and testing etc made it impossible for me to focus on my work. I wasn't present in the classroom. I needed the flexibility for doctors, and for crying. It's a brave decision to give up your job when you know you aren't doing it to the best of your abilities given the situation. And anyone who has kids would only hope that their teachers could have the presence of mind to make a decision like that.
When things have calmed down I hope you can talk to your dh and help him understand how hurtful the whole situation was for you. It's his job to be on your side... even if he disagrees he needs to be able to support you in public and discuss your differences in private afterwards. You were in no way in the wrong .
Oh sweetie, your post made me tear up. In my most honest opinion, I don't think you over reacted. And I mean that. I think you are very vulnerable right now. Your loss was so recent. You've just had the let down of getting a BFN. You just lost your job and you've had a total of 4 lossess. That's a lot for one woman to bear. I don't think you did anything wrong in mentioning the word miscarriage. Correct me if I'm wrong, but one of my assumptions of the English culture is that you are more stoic and private that Americans. I've always thought the term "stiff upper lip" applied well to your culture. I'm not sure this is as true for the younger generation, but I always imagined this to be true for the older generation. If so, I could imagine why your husband would have been shocked into silence when you said the word miscarry to his grandmother. Perhaps he's caught up in a family dynamic with them that has an unspoken code that you keep your feelings to yourself. Maybe it was too difficult for him to speak up in that particular situation. However, it doesn't make your feelings any less valid. I've had similar situations where I've had to go to the bathroom and cry because of hurtful things that have been said to me. I've had times when Tim was completely clueless and didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it. I've gotten mad at him sometimes for not understanding. There are going to be times when our husbands just don't understand the anguish we are feeling. Even though they've gone through the loss too, it's not the same. They didn't experience the physical part of the loss. They didn't have to deal with all of the hormonal changes. They aren't expected in society to bear children. They don't have the same kind of pressure.
You might want to take some time to write a letter to him explaining why this was so difficult for you. Sometimes it's easier to write it rather than speak it. He is a very good man and I think with a little distance he will come around and apologize.
I'm so sorry. It's always the hardest when our husbands don't understand. They are the people we are meant to lean on. When we can't it makes it feel so much lonelier. I know this will blow over. But it feels shitty right now.
Thanks Amanda xxx we are due to our tax renewal some point this month or next I'm wondering if we will get anything back this year last year we got 700.00 year before we got 1400.00 so I'm hoping we get something back xx
Fili i can't work due to panic attacks it's horrible dint ever beat yourself up about it when we have fallen pregnant Paul's mum said I thought you were waiting it was like a damper due to or history we are always worried his mother is probably old fashioned don't take notice of it xxx
Heart- The tax thing stinks. We got hit with an 8,000 euro, one-off 'austerity tax' in the fall. Dh was so furious I could see the steam billowing out of his ears! I know it's not a trivial thing, but provided it's only interfering with new guitars (and not cable ), there are so many more important things right now. Don't let it ruin your sunny Saturday. I hope you still get to go on that picnic.
Also- I didn't realize there were videos to the angry bird levels online!!!! You've just opened up a whole new world for me. I've been trying to get 3 stars on one frustrating level for DAYS!!! It's a revelation.
Thanks so much heart and Jen. You're right about the stiff upper lip thing heart. That's so spot on they're just like that. His grandmother is actually a 'lady' but she's a bloody blunt and nosy old bag more than a lady if you ask me now!!! She also has all her wits about her so i can't make excuses for her being a ditz. Think hubby did revert to being 7 years old in front of his grandma and perhaps he didn't want to argue. However she did ask me the leading question, when are you going to make a living again? So I couldn't think of any other answer but the truth and I think she secretly wanted a juicy answer. She is known for being blunt and a bit confrontational. heart it makes me sad that you've had secret crying sessions in toilets too, they're the worst arent they? You just feel so alone.
I'm the kind of person who likes everything out there not a big elephant in the room so had she asked me directly and nicely where we are up to re work and mc's I wouldnt have minded explaining to her i she had a sympathetic ear but as it was I was just left hanging. No one said I'm sorry you're going through that , no one said anything and I just had to leave the table. It was so awful, my panic is going to increase now. Shall I say to hubby that if he apologises sincerely for acting like a kid in front of his family then I'll forgive him or shall I let him stew? X x x
Jen the panics are awful aren't they? So sorry you suffer too
Fili - that made me tear up too! I completely agree with you and none of them should have put you on the spot like that. A friends dh did the same thing, not sticking up for her around his family, drove her nuts. I think he eventually came around though. I bet yours will too.
I would have never been able to have a job around children going thru all this, I couldnt even look at a pic of other peoples kids at work. Totally understand you not working and his grandma was so rude. Huge hugs to you! Have a talk with dh after awhile or write a letter like heart said. Just know that you are so sweet and don't deserve to be treated like that, but they probably didn't realize at all they were being so hurtful and I'm sure they love you tons.
Puppy- love the bump and nappies! Makes me want a nappy but going disposable.
Heart- stupid taxes!!!!! That sucks! Glad you have the money to cover it and lol on no new guitars, my dh plays too, that and tons of video games. I need to check out online vids of angry birds! You are a rockstar getting 3 stars on them all. When I got my new phone, all my old angry birds were wiped out, started from scratch.
Hi Sara! Was it you talking lemonade the other day? Meant to say that I had to make some too... Country time though, premixed.. I have a slight watermelon obsession too but it's not in season so it's not as good.
Thanks Sara and hopeful that all makes me feel so much better!!!! :-) Sara I didn't realise you'd given up your teaching job too it is so hard isn't it.
Thanks everyone x x x what would I do without you all!!
Fili I wouldn't demand an apology. Let him come around and do it himself. Express your feelings, perhaps in a letter, without assigning blame to him. Don't give him a chance to get defensive. Simply state your feelings and I bet he will see your side and apologize.
Sara and Hopeful, you can google Angry Birds 3 stars and put in the game and level you are trying to beat. You'll get a lot of You Tube videos. My favorite site is angrybirdsnest.com. They have every game on there and you can see how they attained 3 stars.
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