Hi ladies,

I had a mc several years ago. I was approx. 6 weeks along. It was my first pregnancy, and I felt like I should have been filled with all sorts of joyous, innocent thoughts. I wasn't, though, I was scared right from the start that something would be wrong. I just assumed, since the women in my family had great troubles conceiving(10+ years after a miscarriage), that I would just follow suit. I don't want to get into the details right now as EVERYTHING makes me emotional(example: Easter baskets. lol! I have no idea), but that's the gist of it.

So here I am, 2 years later, married but separated(not living together). He is living in another state 800 miles away from me. He left here on a whim, has a lot of emotional issues and was very unstable, emotionally abusive.. Within a week he was wanting to get back together. After his one foot out the door constantly for the length of our marriage, combined with him just packing things up and leaving while 30 minutes prior he was being so loving, I told him he broke something I didn't think we could get back and I had no trust in him. Before he left, I had suggested marriage counseling as well as individual for both of us. He said there was nothing wrong with him, it was me, and I simply needed to not do X, Y and Z and all would be well. He wanted a divorce so badly when he left. He told me I'm leaving you and there's nothing you can do about it, deal with it. So I dealt, it sounded final to me. I cannot take his wishy-washiness as well as the belittling and clear lack of respect that he has for me. I told him he wanted a divorce and I intended to give it to him because I did not want to be on this rollercoaster anymore.

I found out just over a week ago and I am SO filled with mixed emotions. I have told him about it. He immediately thought this meant getting back together, and that I would pack up leave everything and go 800 miles away. I am very against it and I am not going to suffer my mental well being(possibly physical as he was showing signs of aggression late) and very possibly our unborn child's just to say we have a 2-parent home. I realize he has rights as a father and when the time comes to deal with custody issues, they will be dealt with. As it stands, I've been advised to wait to divorce until after the baby is born. When I told him I still intended to go through with the divorce, he's stopped speaking to me.

I have no idea what to think or do right now. I am so afraid that 1). I am going to miscarry this pregnancy. I am a lunatic, checking the toilet paper a ridiculous amount of times a day. I've finally stopped taking so many tests because I noticed a minute difference in pink on the test line with tests I took 4 hours apart and said this is doing nothing but contributing to my anxiety. 2). I have the emotional support of my mother, but this is the second time I am going through a pregnancy without my partner(last time, my then boyfriend left when he found out we were miscarrying). And I FEEL that loneliness, big time. 3). All these other future issues to think of...DO I think of them, do I NOT? I don't want to be presumptuous about the pregnancy for fear I will jinx it or something, and then I think of the headache I have ahead of me and knowing how vindictive of a person he is....It just will be a nightmare, the divorce.

I am so afraid. I hardly sleep, even though I'm so drained. All the bodily ailments I feel, I don't know what's pregnancy related and what isn't because I had zero symptoms with my last one. I'm definitely having some boob issues as well as constipation and gas pain, but I get that anyway when I'm stressed(the latter). Ugh!

I'm sorry, I'm moaning and whining now. I just feel very alone and isolated. I see a therapist twice a month, but I'm going to have to lift that now to once a month or every other with upcoming doctors appointments. I only have my mother. I am estranged from the rest of my family. I have many aquaintances but no friends. I have tried testing the waters and talking to a few about this but they rush off the phone or change the subject and I realize it's just not a territory I can touch with them.

I suffer from GAD(Generalized Anxiety Disorder) as well as Panic Disorder. My anxiety is skyrocketing with these situations and with the hormones going wild. I just need to know there's someone out there who hears me. And to be amongst those who understand this fear that grips you....Thank you.

Oh sweetheart, what a roller coaster. I am so sorry for your loss and for all that has gone on in your life recently.
I have anxiety disorder too and the doctor put me on medication for the first trimester to reduce my cortisol. They thought that may have been a part of why we kept miscarrying. I think the best thing for you and your bean is for you to make sure you are taking time to do relaxation exercises and taking care of yourself. I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone in this process. I am glad you have your mum to care for you.

Personally. I think you shouldn't worry about the divorce at this time. Once you have a healthy baby in your arms you can figure that stuff out, but the stress of worrying about it seems like a waste of time. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your distance from your husband. You need to make a safe environment for you and for your baby.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy xx

croydongirl, thanks so much for responding. It's really a relief just to feel heard, you know?

I know I should not worry. I know there is no sense in it right now as my hands are tied until at least September. I try telling my mind that and it disagrees vehemently. I am most definitely an obsessive worrier. Have you ever had it where even your relaxation and meditation exercises have you in a state of stress? lol

Thank you again so much for responding. I am trying to take it easy the best I know how. And h&h pregnancy to you! Reading your signature, so happy for you.

So sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine everything going through your mind (and heart) right now. I've found that tough times in life are often coupled with fantastic things. You truly are dealing with both extremes right now. As hard as it all may seem right now, being pregnant is a WONDERFUL (and emotional) time. Congratulations on your baby. Perhaps the love you develop for your growing baby will help you to stay strong and confident with the decisions you've made about your relationship. Best of luck to you!

Sciencegal, thank you. It is a lot but I've gone through a lot of crap in my life so I will get through this, too. Everytime we think we don't have any strength left, we're able to seemingly pull it out of nowhere. Thanks so much for reading my post.

Just wanted to send some *hugs* You are going through so much emotionally, it's no wonder you feel this way. Pregnancy is emotional enough without the added addition of relationship problems. I know all about the miscarriage worry, it's not easy. I hope you can stay positive, your pregnancy is a gift. Congratulations - you can do this! xxxx

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I am so sorry that things have been so difficult. You must be a very strong person to go through all this at the same time and have any sanity left. I am glad that you are putting you and the baby first. I agree it is not worth a 2 parent house hold if things are not good. My parents are still married and I have to tell you, they should have divorced years ago, but neither wants to be alone. They fight constantly and it can get uncomfortable very quickly. I know it's hard, but you have to take care of you. The nervousness and fear are very normal. Unfortunately, what happens is out of your hands. I know it is easier said than done, but try to relax and just try to take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers and if you ever need to talk, message me

Thank you, girls. The last time I went through my MC and the boyfriend leaving(without warning - said he was going for a walk and I never heard from him again), I had a woman tell me if she were me she would have locked herself in a closet for a year had she been in my shoes. Hah! I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.

Today I have had some brownish spotting after an extremely painful and constipated BM. I was a total wreck for awhile. Had a good cry and feel somewhat less burdened. There's nothing I can do about it right now. OB's office isn't talking to me until my appointment(new OB). If it gets heavier/red and painful I will go to the ER like I did last time.

I am the first to admit I am not a positive person. I used to be, but over these last 4 years something's changed within me. I don't know if it's because I've gone through so much relationship, career, family and financial wise, but I am having a lot of difficulty pulling out. I've also lost a lot of faith as well. It may be safe to say I am depressed but not in the horribly sad way. More like everything has a gray film over it. This makes me feel weak.

I also am recognizing I have a bad relationship pattern with men. I thought I was making wiser choices in my life. But I must have ignored red flags somewhere. On the surface it appeared as if I WAS breaking the pattern, but delve deeper into my marriage and the way it turned...It was almost the same. Except it didn't surface for some time.

I definitely struggle with my own set of issues. Perhaps in that, I tend to be too, I don't know...accepting of it in others. I suppose that I need to learn that acceptance is different than choosing to deal(which I did), rather than feeling plagued by an obligation to another who has suffered hardship...And dealing with crap treatment, making excuses for them all the while. Stuff to dabble in, in therapy.

I am going to have a vanilla shake and probably another good cry...Thank you for letting me air it out here, ladies, and your support! Much, much needed and so very appreciated.