Quick backround story.. I had a mc at Christmas which put me on edge when i fell pregnant again end of Jan.. We had 3 early scans 5, 7 and 11 weeks just to make sure all was progressing well which by the scans they were.

Had a scan yesterday on Fri the 13th! First off, bubs is perfectly fine and was stretching out and relaxing the whole time

I had the WORST time ever at my scan, I'm furious at myself and I can't sleep due to how it went. So we went in and waited 45 mins for my actual scan, I understand there's delays etc but still, I was nervous enough and I believe this set my anxiety off a lot..

Finally had my scan, all looked perfect but the tech wouldn't even look at the nub which I wanted no biggie I suppose. I felt horrible because the only emotion I felt was slight relief, not happiness - I really thought I'd go in there and be diagnosed with a mmc.

So we went to the desk to sort a 20wk appointment out, where I was told my due date was "definitely the 10th, definitely" which I wasn't happy with mostly because of my mood but also 3 scans beforehand saying between 8-9th. but after a slight moan I gave in.. Next scan isn't until 23rd May so far away! I was ok with this, if slightly upset and I could feel the tears welling up and the woman was basically telling me to stop moaning and go see the midwife so I went and waited for the midwife in another room.

This is when I fell apart! I went into the office and she was a lovely lady, who then went "so you're due the 12th October?" I almost screamed NO at her, OH didn't know what to do with himself at how upset I was over the dates. She said I'd been told 10th at the desk from the scan but was really the 12th what the actual fuck. I'd walked 2minutes and lost yet another 2 days..

She then weighed me and I saw a blood canister thingy, went faint (hate the sight of them) and started properly crying my eyes out, I was a mess - was only a matter of time until something had set me off. Was going on about how furious I was that I'd waited over 10 weeks for an appointment to be put back 4 days when 3 scans had said the same thing!!

OH really did try to fight my corner whilst I was sobbing my heart out, explaining about the scans we'd had and stuff, bless him. He's NEVER seen me cry, never mind like that! I literally couldn't speak for 20 mins I was that much of a mess.

Anywho, the midwife could tell it wasn't really the dates thing that had got to me - it was just a catalyst to a breakdown and she asked if I'd been feeling down and if I wanted the pregnancy etc.. I told her I was just relieved that the baby was ok on the scan but it had set me off due to never thinking I'd get this far and that I'd have a mmc so wouldn't have prepared myself to see a midwife afterwards and the fact I'd got an extra 4 days had made me worried I wouldn't cope having even more time to wait for a safe arrival etc.

I've come to terms with something today and I'm going to say it.. I don't think I'm bonding with my baby properly as I'm too scared to lose them. My midwife thinks I have prenatal depression and it will all be sorted soon once I've admitted things to myself and accepted that my baby is ok and that I need to take things one day at a time.

Never felt so shit in all my life, I just need someone to talk to

Oh hun, I know how you feel. I have my 12 week scan in a little over 3 weeks and it feels like a life time away. I worry my self sick everyday about a mmc and I also feel I'm not bonding properly cause I'm too scared something will happen, like you I had an early scan, saw a tiny bean with a tiny heartbeat and I felt relief not happiness. I'm scared that I won't be able to bond either but I keep thinking its still very early days and when I start to feel my baby move I can finally relax a bit more and bond with this little person I'm growing. I hope you do to chick. If you ever want a chat feel free to pm me, believe me I know what living with depression is like and if you need someone to talk to I'm only a message away.. Thinking of you honey, and I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months xx

Thank you so much for actually reading it all!! Didn't realise I'd gone off on such a tangent at the time..

It's a horribly worrying time for all mums never mind ones who have experienced a loss, I had to wait so long for the appt that I just gave up and wouldn't even talk to anyone about "baby" who I genuinely believe didn't exist I feel so guilty for that now.

I'll message you now thank you and same to you! xx

Katia I would say that your meltdown is completely normal hun

Anyone PAL spends a lot of their time consciously trying not to 'bond' with their baby in-case the worst happens. We tell ourselves that it will be easier to cope with this way, if we are excited, buying things and looking to the future then we could end up being more hurt.

The downside to this is that when we are finally faced with a healthy bubba that is going to be carried to term we don't know how to react. Women that have never been marked by miscarriage have had the bonus of blessed naivety for the first 20 weeks or so and in this time they have bonded with the baby gradually. We have spent so long worrying and trying to protect ourselves that we don't know how to do anything else.

I really hope that things work out fine for you both

Thank you so much, the same to you xx

It's totally normal to feel this way. Even now, after losing Ellie to kidney disease, having a cvs where Theo is genetically fine, seeing him loads, I am still now worried I will go in 3 and a half weeks and he will have no kidneys! It's so hard to settle because the minute I did last time, it went wrong. I was a mess at 12 week scan too, so don't worry, we can all be mad together x x x

Thank you, we'll all be mad together yes!

Sorry for your loss xx

Katia-I can totally relate. If it's any consulation your as perfectly sane as I am lol. I tried to explain the bonding issue with DH who seems to already be bonded. I told him it's like your in love with someone and they dump you. Your heartaches. Then there comes along another someone, you may or may not be ready to fall in love and totally trust them, even though everythings going ok.

I told my MIL I guess I'll do my bonding when they lay a screaming baby on me! I did purchase a doppler and I'm hearing the HB daily. That gives me some reassurance for that day. I think over time that will be a way that will be building that bonding relationship. It seems like it's helping me rest a little easier. HTH Goodluck!

Just wanted to put in that your dates are best taken between 7-10 weeks. So changing the due date at a 12 week scan is poor practice. Your original dates are the most correct. Don't worry, 95% of babies aren't born on their due dates anyway. I'm sure little bubs will surprise you.

As for not bonding, don't worry about it. I didn't really even feel like my DD's pregnancy was real until I felt her kicking me. Then I really bonded. But before that it felt more like I was playing a prank on my family or like I was a fraud or something. It wasn't real enough until she kicked me in the ribs!

I conceived my 2nd after my MC, whilst still under EPU care - and spent the first 20 or so weeks in a blur. I think your reaction is completely normal, and I also think it's quite wrong of them to give you different dates every 5 mins!

I've always been a bit weird and been upset if they've brought my due date forward. I like having their due date after mine, as it gives me a bit more time to avoid being bothered about being "overdue".