LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old Jan 19th, 2017, 08:41 AM   1
Pregnant (Expecting)
Active BnB Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 43

Secondhand Madness

So my baby shower is today. My mom and OH's sister are throwing it for me. I'm not one to be center of attention but they seem excited about it so I will be too. My OH's mother is coming too which is great except she's been upset that I haven't been keeping the massive amounts of stuff she's been giving us.
Before you go thinking I'm being ungrateful let me explain. This is our first baby and the first grandkid on my side of the family. My OH's mother's husband has two grandbabies (boys). Ours is a girl. That being said majority of the stuff ie clothes, toys ect. is all boy stuff. My mom and I went through it all and picked out the stuff that was neutral or not super boyish. And by ALL I mean an entire truck load of second hand and garage sale stuff. Not exaggerating even a little. She told me anything that we didn't want we could give back to her and she would give to her brother who is having a boy. Well we did. She threw a royal fit to my OH about the fact that we didn't keep the broken crib she gave us. Then when we took back all the boy clothes she made comments about that. Even went so far as to saying something about it to my mom when they were talking about my shower. Might I just remind you that we are having a girl and we kept a TON of the stuff she sent. You just couldn't tell because she sent that much crap to being with. It's so stressful thinking about it.
My point is I'm sort of afraid she is going to bring another mound of crap that I have to wade through to the baby shower and then I'll have to go through this all over again. It's not that I want everything new. I'm not trying to be stuck up. In fact a lot of what we already have is secondhand. It's just this is our first baby and some stuff I do want to be new. That's not so bad, is it?
My OH agrees with me. He's been trying to run interference because he knows she can be difficult sometimes. She doesn't really say anything to me about it. She's made it clear to him her feelings were hurt and she's said stuff to my mom. I just don't know how much more of this I can take before I lose my mind. Am I overreacting? Anyone have experience with this? Sorry for the rambling.

Status: Offline
Old Jan 19th, 2017, 12:52 PM   2
Pregnant (Expecting)
BnB Addict
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3,901
I think your feelings/desires are completely valid and understandable, and your MIL is being kind of immature and unreasonable. Those situations are so difficult when you're tiptoeing around someone's feelings. But of course you'd like some new stuff for your baby, and you don't want your new baby girl dressed in all boy clothes! Makes total sense to me. I hope she shapes up and gets you something girly for the shower and all the worry is for nothing.

Status: Offline
Old Jan 25th, 2017, 16:58 PM   3
Mum (Mom)
Active BnB Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: New England, United States
Posts: 997
Dont let this stress you out a moment longer! It is your OHs job to deal with his family and your job to deal with yours. She may bring a bunch of crap to the baby shower, just smile and say thanks. I'm sure you will get s good combo of new and used items. Your OH should tell her to leave your mom alone...people can be really immature when their feelings are hurt and it sounds like she has poor communication skills. My MIL gets upset about things all the time, I just let OH deal with it and I don't think twice about it. I have loads of my own family drama to deal with!

Enjoy your shower!

Status: Offline
Old Jan 26th, 2017, 09:17 AM   4
Pregnant (Expecting)
Active BnB Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 288
Seems valid to me. It might be a different story if she was giving you all girl stuff and you were returning it, that could be interpreted as snooty, but the fact that it is boy stuff makes it completely justifiable. That being said its your baby and your choice to use whatever items you want, not hers. She needs to get over it. It is good that your OH is on your side on this one so he can try to run some interference with his mother.

In fact, it is HIS mother, let him deal with her shenanigans and huffiness :P

Status: Offline
Old Jan 27th, 2017, 09:03 AM   5
Pregnant (Expecting)
Chat Happy BnB Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,230
I don't like second hand, i might sound like a cow but i don't, my gran works in a charity shop and it stresses me that she piles crap onto us, someone else might have used it and she acts so hurt if i say no...... Like she went out and picked it, not its just stuff she had handed to her.... I have enough shit of my own without having to navigate through piles of other people's...

Status: Offline
Old Jan 30th, 2017, 08:26 AM   6
Mum (Mom)
BnB Spammer Elite
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 21,580
I'm not a fan of second hand myself. I mean I passed my first daughters things down to my second daughter but it was new when I bought it all. I'm just picky in general and I'd rather know that the things weren't around cigarette smoke, etc. I think you are being absolutely reasonable. You are having a girl for one. And two, it's your first so of course you want the fun of going out and getting new girly things! I would just keep letting your OH be the middle man and try not to stress. Ignore her being petty and enjoy your pregnancy.

Status: Offline
Old Apr 23rd, 2017, 10:16 AM   7
Mum (Mom)
Chat Happy BnB Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 1,082
Could you or Hubbie think of one thing you need that you wouldn't mind being second hand (something small, like a buggy blanket or a bath towel), and ask MIL for that particular thing. Then we she finds one she can feel like she's been super helpful and it might limit the mounds of crap she's otherwise collecting for you! Tell her you have everything else in hand, but if she could keep an eye out for X it would be really helpful

Status: Offline
Old May 3rd, 2017, 17:53 PM   8
Mum (Mom)
Chat Happy BnB Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,265
It's your baby therefore your choice what you do/don't keep especially when it's second hand and for the wrong gender! I'm not keen on second hand either especially with a baby and it's my right to say that. I always used to upset my ex mother in law as she used to raid charity shops for the most ugly baby clothes and in the end we would take them and just never put the girls in them.

Enjoy your shower!

Status: Offline
Old May 13th, 2017, 13:51 PM   9
BnB Elite
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Iowa, USA
Posts: 13,438
I agree with the other ladies on this...if you don't want the BOY items for your DAUGHTER (I mean for Pete's sake, who would???), one would think she could understand that. I probably wouldn't have the gall to give someone a bunch of boy items if I knew they were having a little girl... And then for her to go ahead and say something to your own mother about it. Did your mom say anything back? Because knowing my mom, she would let her have it, and rightfully. And there's nothing wrong with wanting some new items for your first baby...nothing at all! This is YOUR child, and if she has issues with this situation, just wait until baby is born. OH needs to speak with her, and tell her that the sacks of items were much appreciated, but most were unsuitable for a little girl, and that you both felt that the other person would have better use of that stuff, being as she's having a boy herself. Furthermore, you would both like to pick out some items for your daughter yourselves, as that's one of the joys of pregnancy and having a first baby, rather than feeling obligated to take things you don't like. SURELY she can understand this, coming from her son. If not, then I wish you both luck, because she's probably only just getting started, and you're more than likely going to have to deal with a series of annoyances. My advice is to just mentally prepare for that, because something tells me she's going to act like a pistol over many things once baby arrives. If she pipes up at your shower, have OH take her aside, and ask her to please reserve her commentary, and that this is a day for all to enjoy, particularly YOU, and that she needs to set aside this issue, and accept what happened, and move on. That's the best I have for you. Good luck, dear!

Status: Offline
Old May 13th, 2017, 14:40 PM   10
Mum (Mom)
BnB Addict
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3,873
I personally just went through what people gave us, yes there was a lot I wouldn't use (like stuff that was well worn or really dark colours that just didn't look right on my baby) and then asked the person who gave me the items what they would like me to do with the things I didn't use. Some wanted their things back, others wanted me to pass them on or donate them. I passed loads of gender neutral things (even if they were bought for my girl) to my friend who had a boy, but I strictly instructed her to get rid of anything she didn't want in any way she felt fit, I would even collect it if she didn't want to dispose of it herself - what we did was we went together and sold it at a baby market and split the profits. Could you suggest taking the things to sell on to make money to buy things for your daughter?

I was more okay with second hand clothes (which could be boil washed, or items which didn't get much wear like dresses in small sizes)

Status: Offline


madness , secondhand

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search