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Old Apr 24th, 2017, 17:29 PM   1
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Will baby's father come around?

Hi, all. Sorry if this is long, also wasn't sure where to post but

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and told the father last Sunday. He was really angry but later calmed down and wanted to talk more about it on Monday. We had a long conversation and he didn't know if he wanted to be with me but seemed like he wanted to be involved with his child. He kept trying to convince me not to keep the pregnancy ... I said I can't do that. He said he didn't want to go to court because he doesn't want us to hate each other. We left things pretty amicably, he said he was a little excited and didn't want to break up right now but needed time to think about everything. Then he said he'd call me Friday.

Friday, he called and seemed like a completely different person. He kept trying to convince me that adoption is the best for the child. I said I don't agree and I can't do that. Well, then he said he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. He said he won't sign off on it being his child? I told him then he'll have to take a paternity test. He said he doesn't care and it can go to court. I said it would be better to figure this out outside of court but he said he refuses to do that. He said he refuses to consider the baby his child. I asked him what changed his mind in the 4 days it's been since we talked and he said he "looked into things." I said I don't think he's had enough time to think about things but he disagreed and said "I've had plenty of time to think and I will not be changing my mind about this."

I don't understand how he could change his mind like that in that short a time period and be completely set on not being involved, refusing to consider the child his, and wanting it to go to court. I'm so confused and upset about this. I thought he would eventually come around, especially after our conversation Monday. Some people in my life think he's going to change his mind again, but I'm not sure. He was very angry, mean, and stubborn about it. I don't know what to do or think. Any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

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Old Apr 25th, 2017, 03:55 AM   2
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Hi and welcome to BabyandBump

Have you been dating this guy long, does he have strong influences around him (family/friends)? Seems such a quick turn around.

I hope he gives himself a shake and in the mean time whatever happens next you have good support around you to share your journey. x

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Old Apr 28th, 2017, 02:23 AM   3
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Aw man that's so difficult. I'm sorry to hear that. I have no idea if he'll come around. Is that what you're wanting?

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Old Apr 28th, 2017, 13:21 PM   4
Mum (Mom)
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Hi hun. I am so sorry. Pregnancy is hard to adjust to, so I'm not shocked he flipped. I'd even say expect more flips. My SO goes from reading to my belly to hating everything about my being pregnant.

The question is do you want him to come around? If he does, it should be on your terms. My SO went silent for weeks 12-16 (even starting sleeping with someone else). When he resurfaced, he was verbally an a*hat. My problem is that my stepdad has pushed hard for me to put up with him. My mom used to, but now she thinks I'm giving up too much. But I made the decision to put up with just about everything under the sun just to keep him around, and most days it really does suck and I ask myself if I want my son growing up watching the way his dad is. Nothing bad just i do EVERYTHING!

Now. It sounds like you'll end up in court, which can be pricey up front so that may be way he suddenly got lippy. Just keep in mind, if paternity is established that battle he is financially on the hook for that. But no for child support I think. My stepdad is a family law attorney so some of the things he told me: always be civil, include him in writing (invite him to scans, provide updates) but keep it brief. Otherwise he can argue that you didn't involve him and it can affect things. I forget what else.

How long were you together? You may also be entitled to temporary spousal support. Not gonna lie a big reason my SO came back was he realized that suppprt payments from him were going to be near $1700/month and I have to live knowing that he is here out of convenience.

So long story short think long and hard about what your limits are because you and baby deserve the best.

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Old May 2nd, 2017, 02:24 AM   5
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What a horrible situation to be in I'm so sorry

It sounds like he's probably had input from someone else friend/family to make such a huge turn around so quickly. It's impossible to say if he will change his mind but I hope everything works out for you.

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Old Jul 5th, 2017, 11:39 AM   6
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Holy crap. This must be horrible. I am not trying to be a dick here, but I have to ask: do you really want someone who could treat you this way to come around? (Even if he did, it probably wouldn't be for the right reasons.) I can understand that he may not feel any connection to the baby yet, but you?

Before I met my husband, I was with a series of complete emotional dillholes, and one in particular for 7 years. This response seems similar to one I received with the 7 year guy. This is about you, not me, so I won't go into details, but I will say there are men out there who are actually capable of being caring, compassionate and reasonable people. Sure, they may get scared, but they have enough emotive capacity to understand someone else may be scared too. Don't settle. Ever. Not for you, not for your child. You only get ONE shot at this life. What you are living isn't a dress rehearsal. You and your child deserve the best possible, and it does not sound like this guy is that. Yes, it is always nice for a child to have both his/her parents, but when a parent is selfish, mean and petty, then it is better to grow up surrounded by love above else. There are enough people in this world to be shitty to you: you don't need it from the people who should cherish you most.

We all have moments of weakness, and often, we do come around. I am not trying to say he should be perfect. No one is. But what you describe here is so beyond vile and I can in no way see it being a mere moment of weakness. When someone shows serial shitty behaviour, it isn't a fleeting thing: it is who they are.

To quote Maya Angelo: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Again, I know it is easier said than done, and as I said, I was a slave to my hopes for someone I loved for almost a decade. He didn't change. And I didn't leave him. He eventually left me. I was broken, and even when I met my husband, I still pined for him. However, my husband's unflappable goodness prevailed, and even though my ex has contacted me again several times, I can't imagine being treated with anything other than the respect and admiration (and quite frankly, worship) I am given today. I'd rather be alone than settle for anything less.

My husband and I had only been dating a few months when I found out I was pregnant with my now 7 year old. When I told him, I expected what I had encountered before. What he said was, "That's so wonderful!" And God, I cried. And I was scared, but I was so freakin' relieved.

You - all you ladies - deserve everything wonderful, too. Don't put up with this. If he would like to be a part of your child's life eventually, you can cross that bridge then. But as of now, put him out of yours. If you need to go to court to get the support you need, go for it. But don't let him get to you: you're doing this for your child, and what he (or anyone else) says or thinks of you is irrelevant.

A million hugs, and a trillion congratulations!

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Old Jul 6th, 2017, 06:35 AM   7
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Hmmm. Well, part of me wonders if he's not still in shock and denial, and he's somehow convinced himself that this baby isn't his, or perhaps others close to him have helped convince him that this is the case. It seems like he really just doesn't want to believe that any of this is true, so he's latching on to the old adage that it couldn't be his...

I guess the only thing I would do, is just wait and see. I wouldn't contact him - let him make the first move. If he maintains any contact with you, stand firm that you'd be happy to do a paternity test, and you have no problem proving that he is indeed the father.

Look, the ideal situation here, is that you've been together for a while, and are deeply in love, you get pregnant, and he's delighted, excited, and over-the-moon...this is not what we're dealing with here, obviously. I'm sensing a much more casual vibe to your relationship, and the pregnancy doesn't lock him into any further involvement with you, or the baby, unfortunately. Either he wants to step up, and be in the baby's life, or he doesn't. I wouldn't work real hard to persuade him to do either...I'd just leave the ball in his court for now, and continue offering proof that the baby is indeed his. If he finally agrees to a paternity test, learns he's the father, and still chooses to cut you both out of his life, so be it - neither of you need that burden, or the drama that entails. I would proceed with the idea in your head that you WILL be doing this alone. Don't expect anything from him, don't ask him for anything, etc. Just move forward, and seek support from people in your life who already care for you...those people are truly your tribe, and the people who will also care for your baby alongside you!

Right now I'd say you're in the "wait and see" stage of what is going on with this guy. The news is fresh. Let him work through it. This doesn't mean that I'd jump into his arms if he decides he's going to step up, but this means that perhaps he may end up an involved father, and maybe he won't. Good luck, either way! It's a tough situation.

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