Well ever since we got married my MIL and SIL have been at us to have babies and are insisting on being our daycare/childcare for us.
I was ok with this idea but now am consumed by worries.
First I was worried that it will be too much work for them and they'll bail on us leaving us scrambling to find childcare.
Then I worry that they're resent being 'used' even though they're insisting on it now and will feel trapped.
However, there is 2 of them, so those issues may not come up.
I did worry that my MIL might not be in physical condition to care for a child... shes not THAT old, but just had some pain issues with her back and is a little clumsy/forgetful.
Now it turns out she may have had a stroke.. we're waiting on test results. They switched up some of her medications right away, but it worries me even more.
And SIL is not in prime condition either. She's on permanent disability, on pain meds all the time and even has a morphine pain pump installed in her spine. On top of this she is a bit of an emotional wreck right now and drinks (glass of wine at lunch, few beers with dinner though if she's home at night she may down a 6-pack... even in moderation, NOT a good idea for someone in her condition).
She also flakes on me constantly.. we were supposed to start going for walks together and she's always out of town or busy.
I know she would take it very seriously, but if the kid was down for a nap in the afternoons... she might crack open a beer. And if it weren't for her pain meds, I wouldn't care about a beer here or there.
So now I'm just worrying... all of this is months away but if we can't rely on them, we have to plan (and would truly struggle financially to pay for full-time childcare). I think DH feels it would be too cruel not to let them do it because they want to so much and we've already said ok etc...
I feel like I'll have to let them until I have a reason/proof not to.
I've had other worries... SIL and MIL fight like crazy and I get tense being around them so I dont' want them both around my child if they're going to act like that. I think they both would disregard my requests/instructions if they didn't agree with them.. things like sticking to a routine or even not feeding a child under 1 year junk food or chocolate etc (if MIL did it with her kids, I'm sure she'd do it with mine).
SIL used to live in our house and hates that she couldn't stay. She's always pestering us to have her move in as a nanny or housekeeper... when she house sat for us once she threw a dinner party. She still gets mail at our house and used to come by when we weren't home, even crawled through the dog door once when she didn't have a key. If she's in my house 5 days a week, she's going to start treating it like its hers.
I don't feel like I have any real reasons to be concerned... and some of these issues can be worked out or may have settled down/improved by the time the child comes.
I just keep worrying about all this stuff.
I know I CAN just be rude about it and say no way... and I don't think the environment would be truly unsafe for my child.. just some potential that makes me nervous. We could really use the help with the cost of childcare etc.
(thanks for reading this long post....and if SIL or MIL is reading this, please know I love you both and please don't be upset - its hard to talk about some of these worries when I don't feel like we are close enough to fight like family does)
I'm sorry you are worrying about this. I know it is stressful! I think the "right" answer will come to you and you need to go with your gut.
I actually had my MIL babysitting for 3 months when I went back to work with my son. I had other "issues" (control freak issues?) after he was born so I really needed my MIL to do things the way I wanted (like not dump out breast milk that I had pumped) but she did things her own way. (MY son was not in harms way AT ALL and she loves him dearly). However, my mother bear instinct would not allow me to have him raised in a way I wasn't comfortable with (not bad-just WAY different), so I resigned from my job and will go back once kids are in school (I am a teacher so once I can get both to school-they can come with me.)
I know this isn't the same as your situation but I guess my point is that you will know what you NEED to do. It is amazing how my feelings changed once I had my son and how I felt so protective. I completely thought I would be a working mom and that there was no way we could afford for me not to work. It is incredibly hard (I live in CA too) and we have had to make some major life changes-but it was right for our family.
By the way, when I told my MIL I was resigning from work, her reaction was, "Well what am I supposed to do?" We had guilt over telling her that she would no longer be needed for daily babysitting but only from time to time and I think she was offended. But by that point, I cared more about what was right for my family than making her happy. I know that the "right" decision will come to you...and you are right, you have PLENTY of time.
It is stressful when you try and stop and plan it all out. But everything just manages to work out. You'll see!!
Maybe just give it a trial run. You won't really know if it works until the time comes.
I also worry about my mom feeling like she's being taken advantage of but she loves it. She says that she enjoys grandkids more than she enjoyed her own kids. LOL. So we may look at is as burdoning them but I've learned that they look at it as the reason they had kids in the first place....to get grandkids!!!
daisy - I'm afraid I'm going to get super upset about control freak issues like that... only DH may not agree with me! It depends... if I decide I want the bottles sterlized but they just wash with hot soapy water... etc... no its probably not a 'bad' thing to do, but its just not what I'd like to have done, you know?
I know I'm not crazy to assume this will happen... SIL watched DH's cat for a year for him... he did NOT want her let outside... what did SIL do? Lied to him about it and let her outside. We took back custody of the cat after that year and had to keep letting the cat out.. then we caught her sneaking into the street a few times, she got sprayed by a skunk once, and she got real sick once so we stopped letting her out.
I actually make almost 2x as much as DH, so I know staying home is NOT an option for me Maybe he could stay home (if we had no debt left and never planned on saving up for a house), but he won't listen to my control-freak requests either
Lisa- hello central coast buddy! I can totally relate to the cost of child care around here....ack! So expensive! But your concerns about MIL and SIL are definately worth you worrying about....sounds kinda sketchy. A couple positions that you could take on it is that you want your baby in a social environment with other babies or an educational environment (places like Kindercare are very academic....even very young). Also emphasize that you would love to use them for date night and when baby is sick and can't go to daycare and they can visit hang out on weekends. Is there any way you or dh could alter your work schedule so that you don't have to pay childcare??? Example, I am a nurse so I cut back to part time and work weekend nights....my kids are home with me during the week and they hang with daddy on the weekends when I am sleeping. Also, I HIGHLY recommend looking into DaveRamsey.com he has some AWESOME financial information that could potentially change your situation so that your DH could stay home. If you can find one of his classes near you I would recommend taking it.....it will be the best $100 ever spent.....I promise!
I'm sorry you are kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. It does not sound like SIL is reliable enough to count on, and MIL does not sound healthy enough to watch baby all the time. I'd look into your childcare options or see if you can re-work your finances. Could your DH work from home in some way?
ok, totally freaking out hard right now. Apparently my MIL has been having mini-strokes...
She can't go to doctor appointments on her own anymore because she doesn't remember what they tell her to do ... she was at lunch with my SIL and just started mumbling and not making sense. She's on an anti-stroke medication now and is not allowed to take prescription painkillers right now.
I'm totally scared for her health and also panicking about the childcare situation because unless something gets dramatically better, I don't see how she can watch our child for more than a few hours without someone else there.
If we didn't have debt, daycare would be something we could afford... but we couldn't pay off our debt while TTC because of fertility treatments etc... our incomes disqualify us from any financial aid, but we're buried under some debt....
Trying to just take some deep breaths right now and not panic
I am sorry you are having to stress this stuff already
I can't imagine. IMO it sounds like (even though it may stretch you financially) childcare outside the family is the best bet. Your childs safety and your sanity are what are important at that point!! I understand you have a lot of debt, but most people do and it doesn't all have to be paid at once (or does it?). Not being nosy, just trying to give advice and help If you get a nice tax return or end of the year bonus, you could put that money directly to the debt then maybe work out lower monthly payments with the companies that would leave you the money for monthly childcare?
Again I am so sorry, I can imagine it's very stressful, just keep in mind you have a decent amount of time to prepare and figure it out....but at least you are thinking about it now rather than two weeks before the baby is due
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