Hi ladies, I apologize for the rant ahead of time but I have not yet found an outlet to deal with the immense amount of stress I've been feeling the past few months, regardless of the effort I make to have the opposite effect.
I am 15 weeks 4 days pregnant with my second child and am grateful to have made it to the first trimester as I had bleeding, pretty bad pain and even the doc thought I had miscarried... Thank goodness this little one held on!! When my fiancee and I broke the news to his family things got awkward and they made us feel like they disappointed and shamed them (we are in our late twenties and early 30's and I have a four year old from a previous relationship) things are just not comfortable around them and I have no family around me or friends to really talk to as everyone is busy and has their own issues.
I have anxiety because this pregnancy happened about a year sooner than we had hoped, and I actually after 5 years of full time work just got put to part time because of labour costs and my fiancee makes very little money at his job. He actually has been driving me nuts... Not supportive as I had thought he would be and really unhelpful and sarcastic and annoying, I have to beg him to look for work and he snapped at my son in a very mean and immature way. I feel like all of a sudden our relationship is going nowhere and i don't think I can see a future with him even though I am going to try! I've noticed him drinking again behind my back, being sneaky about it really bothers me... And scares me too.
Then there is my wonderful son whom I adore and am raising on my own, he is going through this terrible phase of being extremely defiant and even violent at times. At church the younger kids act better, and he just doesn't listen. I have tried to be patient and kind and usually am but I am getting extremely stressed and tired of constantly repeating myself.. He has a benign medical condition which was really difficult for 3 years until we found a medciation that helped, I almost lost my job entirely from having to stay home at take care of him. My mom has a chemical imbalance since menopause which makes her totally unavailable and helpful to me when I am desperate to talk and get advice. I don't have a dad and my sisters have their own stresses... Man I realize I must sound terrible!! I must add that I am a loving mom, good person, I take care of my household and family and work out, constantly look for another job even though getting hired in my second trimester may prove very difficult at best.
I just want a healthy baby, to have a supportive family and spouse, for my kid to listen one day a week at least and to have the finical resources to properly raise my family. I am used to being the bread winner and responsible one and now I am vulnerable and have to depend on someone else who doesn't seem to get it.
If nobody reads this I'm just glad I got to vent and I refuse to edit or read this as I will likely delete it.
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