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Old Apr 7th, 2014, 17:41 PM   11
GeralynB
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I'm 34 and pregnant with my first. You are definitely not alone. I still worry that I will be giving up so much now that we are having a baby. DH and I love our time together and freedom to do what we want. We love traveling and have been to some pretty amazing places. I'm going to miss being able to go wherever we want, when we want. But everyone says there is nothing in the world like being a parent. I'm hoping that this will just be another adventure in our lives.



 
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Old Apr 9th, 2014, 12:14 PM   12
Jazzbird
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I just LOVE this thread! I'm 37 and 5 months pregnant with my first. The decision to have a child was a really hard one for me. Throughout my 20s I always imagined having kids but as the years moved on I started to try new hobbies, careers, lived in different countries and I felt and still do that my story isn't over. I looked at friends and relatives with kids and was completely mortified at the thought of disappearing into a child.

Met my partner age 30 and love him to pieces - he has always said he would like kids but I always honestly said I wasn't sure. I have spent so many hours thinking it through, ruminating over the decision and I read this article which said that making the decision to have a child is like packing for a holiday in an unknown destination in the dark. It completely makes sense to me - as you neither have any idea how much you will love this little person nor how hard it can be raising this person.

I think the older you get; the more you want to make conscious rational decisions. But this is one decision where rational thought really has very little place.

When all was said and done I felt in my bones that being a mother was something I wanted to experience. I felt as though holidays, restaurants, hobbies, careers were endlessly interesting but that I would eventually reach my fill with everything.

When I looked at all the key decisions I made in life: good but boring job for financial security, biggish house purchase near to good schools, husband who loves kids ... I realised that those decisions had been made with my unborn children in mind. It was fear of losing myself and my identity that stalled me.

So we started trying and as the months passed by I started to realise that I may have actually left it too late. Then I realised how much I wanted to experience being a mum.

I have no idea how it will pan out. I have found pregnancy very tough with sickness but when she kicks me ... it is a wonderful feeling. And when I saw her face on the scan it was beautiful. I already love her and I haven't even met her.

These are my thoughts though and I totally understand that a child free life can be completely and utterly fulfilling.

Re the looking good issue - I totally know what you mean but when you have a moment think of all the 50+ women you know - do the childless ones look any younger? We are all aging and yes I'm sure your beauty regime might take a beating for a few years but you'll pick it up again as they start to go to school. Of course the irony is that you probably will stop caring about it by that point because motherhood will change us all in ways we can't imagine. And that brings me back to my original point that you almost cannot come to a rational decision.

Wishing you all the best. I have felt so much more at peace since I got pregnant because I am no longer obsessing about the decision. Freedom sometimes comes in chains.



 
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Old Apr 9th, 2014, 13:02 PM   13
cookette
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I could have written this. I always said "No babies!" and hubby has a daughter from a previous marriage but didnt want anymore. I dont know what it was, but after being married for a year (we dated for 7), I decided I NEEDED a baby, I NEEDED to be a mother.

But I still fear. I still worry over losing "me." I worry how it will change me and my husband, that it will hurt out marriage.

I think these are real fears, but the posts on this thread have brought me peace. At this point, we wait and se



 
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Old Apr 9th, 2014, 14:04 PM   14
Jazzbird
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Cookette - they brought me peace too! It feels like the only mothers around me are those who were 100% certain they wanted to be a mum. It's so refreshing to hear of those on the fence or previously adamantly against having them.



 
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Old Apr 13th, 2014, 20:50 PM   15
gingmg
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I think how you feel is very normal. I felt that way too. I was on the fence for a very long time. I love my life exactly how it has been, just the two of us enjoying life, traveling etc and I wasn't sure I wanted anything to change. Then one day I realized that even though I could see us occupying our time and feeling very fulfilled for the next ten to fifteen years or so, I would be taking a chance that some far off day from now I might be sorry and it would be too late. I realized I might regret not having kids, but you would never regret having them. Once you love someone that much, you would never want to picture your life without them. That was my tipping point that pushed me to want to start a family.



 
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Old Oct 27th, 2016, 15:09 PM   16
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Bringing this post back to life


Hi all,

I could have written this exact post and am currently in these same shoes, which is why I am bring this post back to life.

I will be 37 in December and for the first time in my life I am feeling a panic about having a child, I am fearful of the unknown and can't land on a decision. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, both of us are on the fence. We love our lives, the ability to travel, to go for dinners, jump in the car to ski for the day, are career focused, etc... It's leaving this life for the unknown that has us both fearful. That being said we are afraid of the regret and missing out on the experience.

For those of you who were in a similar position, what advice would you give to a couple to help with the decision? For those of you who may still be around, are you happy with how your life changed? What did you find to be the hardest change when you became a mother/parent?

My intent is not to offend, looking for words of wisdom. Greatly appreciate any advice you can share.



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Old Oct 28th, 2016, 12:49 PM   17
Nikko88
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I met my husband when I was 35. We married two years later and a year after that we had our first child. Now we are expecting our second as I approach 40.

The biggest motivator for me to commit to having children (my husband didn't have any strong feelings one way or the other) was the feeling that I might regret not trying.

Yes, it was hard. Sometimes I still reel from how different my life is when little lives requiring more of me than I sometimes had. There are stressful moment, but I don't regret the decision.

Watching my daughter grow and develop into a little person has been an unparalleled experience. I'm a scientist by education and am fascinated by how she is constantly changing. I've never felt so much love for my daughter, son on the way and my husband.

I still get overwhelmed. I still wish I had more time to myself. I still can't wait until the kids are old enough to keep up with the outdoor activities that mean so much to my husband and I. I still experience tremendous frustration with my husband and my roll as mother.

But I've also learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. It really has changed me as a person and I don't regret the things I may have put on the back burner in the short-term. Too soon our children will be off to school then college and their own lives.



 
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Old Oct 31st, 2016, 09:23 AM   18
Jenny Bean
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Travelseeker,

I had my little girl a few days before I turned 39, unlike you I didn't have that much solo time with my husband before we welcomed this little one. She was conceived on our honeymoon and I feel blessed everyday that I have her in my life. And yes a lot of things have changed but we had decided that, we don't have many nights out or any vacations coming up but there are lots of people who do so many things with they little babies. I am a bit nervous taking her on a plane but there is no reason a baby can hamper those experiences it might just take a bit of planning. I so much want a second baby but it does get tougher, so they say, as you age so I hope I am blessed to have a second one before too much time has passed.

Listen to you heart, if you are having any thought of having a baby I think you owe it to yourself to explore that avenue because you might regret it down the line.



 
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Old Oct 31st, 2016, 10:47 AM   19
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Thank-you Nikki88 and Jenny Bean for your feedback. I'm decided to focus on all of the good things that will change in our life as a result of a little one entering our world. I keep thinking about all of the things I am giving up and if course it will rock my world but I need to think of all of the things I would gain too.

I appreciate the honesty!



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Old Nov 1st, 2016, 04:32 AM   20
mrsj13
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Hi Travelseeker,

I'm 36 y/o and due this December. I met my hubby at 34 and married this January 2016. When we found out about the pregnancy in April, the feelings were mixed. I was not over the moon, not half as excited as my other friends were while announcing theirs. This confused me too, since having a baby was always on the cards for me.

Unfortunately, I lost my mom about 6 years back and it was hard for me to confide to anyone about my lack for enthusiasm, as it felt as if I was not appreciating what has been gifted to me. At the time I felt all my independence was gone for good, times that we were supposed to spend together, eating out, taking trips, were all gone down the drain.

My first trimester and a good part of the second was a nightmare with severe sickness, which led me to believe I will never regain normalcy again. Only oasis to the desert was my awesome hubby, who stood like a rock, handling everything single handedly. When people who married around the same time as us were enjoying life to the fullest, I was in the toilet, throwing up

I felt joy for the first time when the baby kicked and kicked a little more, then we saw the little hands and fingers and the tiny body during scan. I became a mother overnight...just like that.

I now look forward to meeting this little person, twisting and turning inside me, make memories that will include the three of us. It's not the life I had dreamt of, but perhaps the life I'm destined to have...and I feel at peace with that.

Best of luck to you



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