I so could have written your post 4 years ago. Met husband age 30, started trying with great apprehension age 36. It took nearly a year and had my daughter approaching age 38. I think the length of trying made the pendulum swing from being scared of having a child to being scared of not being able to have a child.
My pregnancy was so rough with sickness for 6 months. I could hardly eat anything. Newborn phase was magical coupled with total shock at how my life had changed. A lot of that though was down to the fact I breastfed and she was so dependent on me and me only. Gradually I have started regaining little pieces of my old life. Having help with childcare can also make a big difference. So much of it depends on these choices.
I have child free friends and often look at their lives with fleeting envy because whilst they can go to fancy restaurants or wonderful holidays they do not appreciate these things the same way you do when it is so rare. A coffee out alone feels like a day at the spa. I also feel such joy when my daughter first sings a song or tells me she loves me. And I look at my next door neighbour's who are 10 years ahead and realise this time is so fleeting. I will have decades if the fates decide to travel and dust off ambitions
Having said all that I'm now approaching 40 an the decision to have another is weighing heavily on my mind!
If it helps I don't think being apprehensive is any indication of how you would find motherhood. I know women who couldn't wait who didn't enjoy it and the opposite.
Making a decision to have a child is like packing for a holiday to an unknown destination in the dark. You don't know the personality of the child or any other factors.
I hope you find some way to make the decision. It's a really hard one :-)
I don't think you're wrong to acknowledge your feelings, I truly believe that all people are not cut out to be parents. We all have different assets, I know some really amazing childless people who wouldn't have it any other way! If I felt this way I absolutely wouldn't push to have children, honour your feelings. Why do something you don't feel you really want? Now if you want it and are simply scared, that's another story. You KNOW you're going to have to give up sleep and the me time, this is part of being a good parent. If you are scared you can reach out to people who you feel might help you carve a path to parenthood. But my good friend just had a baby in my eyes to keep up with the Jones's. All of her friends had babies, she really doesn't want to work, she puts alot of pressure on her DH to buy things and take her places and while she's busy sending their money back to her family in Cuba, he's desperately trying to pay off their debt. She went off the pill and now has a baby, refused to eat a healthy diet while pregnant and refused to take a prenatal as her doc recommended. She was anemic and had other health issues. We're not sure if she's going to vaccinate the child or take it to the doctor for it's regular health check ups. But she sure does love showing him on social media. She immediately hired a nanny less than 5 days after delivering her son. I feel terrible for this child. She wanted to have the same things her friends all have without working and without putting in any effort. At some point it'll only be the child that suffers. You have to honour your feelings and don't feel bad about the way you feel. If you know a child isn't right for you then do not get pregnant. If you're scared but very happy to make all of the necessary sacrifices then you are ready for a baby. This has been a wonderful supportive community for advice and support and I'm sure even the ladies here can help you if that's what you need. But only you can make the choice and you make darned sure you're making it for the right reasons!
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