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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 08:01 AM   21
TaraMum
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Thanks for all the sensible replies, everyone! I totally understand that yes, she's an adult and my husband and I cannot dictate to her about what she should do with her life. At the end of the day her smoking will only shorten her lifespan and the time that she gets to spend with her granddaughter, so if that isn't enough of an impetus for her to quit, then I don't think anything will be.

I'm *not* a rabid ex-smoker btw, I personally don't care if people smoke or not, and I'm an enthusiastic supporter of personal choice and a right to that choice on many issues. And obviously I'm sympathetic to the fact that you actually have to want to quit, otherwise it just won't work. What does bother me though is that she wouldn't be giving our baby the same rights as because she'd be inflicting HER choice to smoke on our daughter. Which is obviously wrong.

I also agree with those of you who raised the point that the environment we live in is toxic.

I really don't want to fall out with her over this and neither does my husband, but her stubbornness and tunnel vision on loads of issues has been getting to him lately so I have no idea what will happen. She's been very dismissive of our views on a lot of things (when we said that we wouldn't be asking her to babysit if she's still smoking she replied "Oh you'll soon change your mind when you want a babysitter") so she's winding me up with her apparent 'I know best' attitude anyway! My husband and I are 37, this is my 3rd pregnancy so I'm hardly blind to what having a baby is like...hmph.

So I guess we'll just have to see how things pan out. It's a shame that she's so reluctant to view anyone else's viewpoint other than her own as valid. At the end of the day though she's our daughter's grandmother and I don't want to cut her out because she smokes. Middle ground will have to be found I think xx



 
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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 08:09 AM   22
kettle28
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Originally Posted by TaraMum View Post
Hey everyone.

My MIL's smoking has been a bone of contention for a while now, myself and my husband are ex-smokers and her husband doesn't smoke either. We have already said to her that she will not be allowed to babysit or have close contact with our baby if she carries on (because of the well documented fact that thirdhand smoke can contribute to babies getting ill or even dying of SIDS), but she's refusing to stop. Even though her husband has got high blood pressure, and she herself is overweight and not in the best of health. She smokes in one room of their home and also outside.

I have said that the toxins from smoking cling to the smoker, in their hair, clothes, on the work surfaces etc, even though they may not smoke in the same room those substances are still there.

ANYWAY to cut a long story short my husband and I have another one of our "give up or risk not being even able to hold your granddaughter" talks the other night, today we get an email from her stating that "third-hand smoking is not a cause of cot death. Even if the parents smoke it is only recommended that you smoke outside." (I'm guessing she means the recommendation is smoke outside rather than stop) and then she starts going on about cot mattresses being a bigger cause of cot death- we have already stated that we've bought new mattresses for both our moses baskets and cot. The links she has sent us about wrapping your mattresses to prevent "release of toxic gases" are 12 years out of date! There's toxic gases in smoke, is there not?!

She then finishes her email by stating "You have purchased lots of second-hand equipment which if not clean can pose a greater risk due to infection. Hygiene is much more important than the fact that I smoke in my own home. No way is this going to affect your child, and can you honestly think that I would do anything to put my grandchild at risk" I have cleaned EVERYTHING with antibacterial/antifungal spray, all secondhand clothing has been washed on a 60 degree wash. I am SO angry that she has turned all of this around onto us and is insinuating that actually, we're putting our baby in more danger than she is!

We are both really angry and upset and actually I am worried about my husband and what her absolute pig headedness is doing to him, it's clearly hurting him. Has anyone got any advice to offer? I really do not want to back down on this, as far as i'm concerned if she smokes then she's not even going hold our baby, end of.
First of all-I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this stress during this magical time, and although it's hard try not to let it spoil your special days

My husband is a smoker, he started taking anti smoking pills from the doc 2weeks ago and hasn't had a cigarette for 3days now -yay!! Did quite a bit of research online etc due to him smoking as I have the same worries as you about third hand smoke, it's recommended that if someone has smoked a cigarette they should wait at least one hour before picking up the baby.

I think you are well within your rights to say that you don't want a smoker around your baby especially when that person refuses to acknowledge the dangers. From your mil point of view I suspect she may just not get it, she is quoting out of date info and perhaps her own views are out of date? Would it be worth talking to your midwife or doctor and finding out if they can see you and your mil? Maybe if she hears it from a medical prof she may take advice on board? It's not going to stop her smoking, she sounds way too defensive for that, but perhaps she'll understand where you are and maybe be willing to make chsnges to see your LO x



 
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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 08:15 AM   23
TaraMum
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Originally Posted by kettle28 View Post
First of all-I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this stress during this magical time, and although it's hard try not to let it spoil your special days

My husband is a smoker, he started taking anti smoking pills from the doc 2weeks ago and hasn't had a cigarette for 3days now -yay!! Did quite a bit of research online etc due to him smoking as I have the same worries as you about third hand smoke, it's recommended that if someone has smoked a cigarette they should wait at least one hour before picking up the baby.

I think you are well within your rights to say that you don't want a smoker around your baby especially when that person refuses to acknowledge the dangers. From your mil point of view I suspect she may just not get it, she is quoting out of date info and perhaps her own views are out of date? Would it be worth talking to your midwife or doctor and finding out if they can see you and your mil? Maybe if she hears it from a medical prof she may take advice on board? It's not going to stop her smoking, she sounds way too defensive for that, but perhaps she'll understand where you are and maybe be willing to make chsnges to see your LO x
Thank you

That's great about your hubby! I think that she will probably carry on smoking until she drops dead from it, tbh. Her own GP keeps telling her that she *needs* to lose weight and give up the cigs as her health is becoming more of a concern, but she just won't listen. I was saying to my hubby that this whole issue is casting a bit of a cloud on things for us at the moment, I'm trying not to let it get on top of me but it's hard. Especially when I see how her actions are affecting my husband, her constant belligerence on so many things is really bringing him down...she's always complaining that she doesn't feel well yet does bugger all to help herself. He is an only child and she's very VERY protective of him (to the point of actual weirdness) so he feels like he's 'carrying' her. Before I moved in with him she was practically living with him and I reckon she possibly feels somewhat usurped. xx



 
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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 08:29 AM   24
Katieg7
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Originally Posted by threemakefive View Post
Not to be rude but I think I can see her point..request she not smoke at your residence ok but otherwise just think of other exposure outlets of smoke contaminant or anything when u go out in public...just ask a simple change of shirt after smoking or something...meet her in the middle....ex smokers complain the most about smokers even more than never smokers lol just approach differently as I can see her point and u can't control all the toxic things as even bpa free binkies have risks and bottles etc....also, while suggestions are made on what causes sids even people who avoid all of those things still lose babies...do ur best and don't start wars that big when compromisong without risking baby is possible
I agrer. I think expecting her to.quit smoking or not see her grandchild might be a bit of an overreaction. I agree...change her shirt and wash her hands and no smoking while visiting...but what she does in her home is different.



 
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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 08:54 AM   25
TaraMum
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I agrer. I think expecting her to.quit smoking or not see her grandchild might be a bit of an overreaction. I agree...change her shirt and wash her hands and no smoking while visiting...but what she does in her home is different.
Yep, I was really angry last night hence the ranty first post! But I think she'll have to accept that as long as she smokes, we won't be visiting her house, or leaving our baby with her for any length of time. If she wants to look after her granddaughter or spend a decent amount of time with her at our house then she'll have to not smoke at all whilst she's here. Don't really think we can compromise anymore than that otherwise we aren't being true to ourselves about our feelings on this. I feel sorry for her husband who is completely against her smoking in their home but she just bulldozers his opinions out of the way, like she does to ours...anyway, that's their business to sort out I guess, definitely not getting involved on that one.



 
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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 09:27 AM   26
Saphira
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This is a very tough situation that I'm unfortunately very familiar with. It's not mother-in-law it's father-in-law in my case. When we're over at their place visiting he needs a cigarette every 15mins, it's unbelievable. He does smoke on the balcony but my husband needed to let them both know the door needs to be closed when he goes out for a smoke because he'd leave it wide open and he mine as well have been smoking right next to us. To make matters worse, he'll come back in and purposely blow in my daughter's face. Is that seriously necessary?! Thankfully he never holds her anymore (because he'd never change his clothes afterward as he seems to be in denial about how terrible smoking is not only for himself but for others around him). She's coincidentally terrified of him and I always take her away from anyone when she starts crying in fear. Well, maybe she hates his smell.

It creates a very awkward situation for me because if he were my own dad I'd simply let him know what's on my mind, what won't be tolerated etc. but that's not the case therefore I have to bite my tongue although this is becoming harder to do thus tons of long conversations with my husband about him stepping in for me. I don't want to create waves in the family. My daughter is never left with the both of them alone though as, like I mentioned, she's terrified of her grandpa and grandma isn't 100% on board with keeping her away from smoke (grandpa isn't on board at all so we rely on grandma for the little backup we get from her..). I don't feel comfortable with it and don't feel there's any need to expose her to second/third hand smoke, I just don't. If grandpa wants to smoke, that's his own decision, I just wish he'd consider it's not something we want our daughter around. I wish he'd be respectful and close the door, refrain from blowing in her face afterward and change his clothes if he'd like to hold her. I don't believe this is asking the world.

Sorry for the novel, it's just something I sympathize with greatly. I'm sorry you're put in such an awkward situation. I don't believe grandma shouldn't be able to see her grandbaby but if she wishes not to respect simple precautions when around her (smoking outdoors, changing after she's smoked etc.) then your comfort in bringing your little one over will be greatly lessened and it just won't happen as often as it otherwise would.

You're doing what's best in protecting your child so don't feel badly. Just try to get around it as nicely as possible, although I know this isn't always easy. Visits will just be more limited as a result.
Wishing you all the best.



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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 09:47 AM   27
Tattoo
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I can relate to your situation, and I really sympathise with you! My MIL and FIL are both very committed smokers (FIL told he'll be dead in under ten years if he continues smoking...decided he'd rather "die happy"!). My BIL and his wife are heavy smokers too (in fact, SIL smoked through all three of her pregnancies), DH's grandma smokes, most of his friends smoke and so does my sister. It's not nice to be surrounded by all these smokers at the best of times, but I've really hated it since becoming pregnant. I sort of feel they should all be a bit more considerate, you know?

I know I'll feel even more twitchy towards them once our daughter is here, but I have no idea how I'd tackle it. The in-laws in particular are big SMOKERS' RIGHTS people, filling their Facebook pages with campaigns to reinstate public space smoking and other such rot.

I'm sorry I have no advice to offer you. There are several lengthy posts in this thread, proving that it's an issue that many feel strongly about.

PS- I'm a reformed smoker. I gave up six years ago.



 
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Old Aug 20th, 2012, 09:52 AM   28
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It does not matter whether she smokes outside or in one room... not all of the chemicals from cigarettes are visible and some you cant even smell!! So chances are if shes smoking in that 'one room' her house is riddled with harmful chemicals that I certainly would not want my baby around.

Yes i understand I can't stop the world smoking but there are some things us mothers can do to help minimize the affect on our children - and if that means not visiting you mil house then thats totally acceptable!!

If she wants to come to your house - i's say fine but i'd expect you to have had a shower and not to have had a smoke in at least an hour. Or as someone else suggested, meet in a neutral place or outdoors if poss to keep the air as fresh as possible.

I'm sorry if there are any smokers on here reading this and it may sound harsh but it's a foul habbit and if someone wants to kill themselves then that's your choice I can stop you but keep it away from me and my baby.

I hope everything works out for you hun - you don't need this stress!!



 
Old Aug 20th, 2012, 09:54 AM   29
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Originally Posted by Tattoo View Post
#My MIL and FIL are both very committed smokers (FIL told he'll be dead in under ten years if he continues smoking...decided he'd rather "die happy"!).
My sister said the exact same thing - that she'd rather die happy! I think how on earth can you be happy smoking but each to their own!!



 
Old Aug 20th, 2012, 10:35 AM   30
Toots4
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As a non smoker I 100% agree with you. My son is 15 months and when he was younger I wouldn't let any smokers hold him. Third-hand smoking is well proven to be dangerous. He has also never been to my FILs house as his gf smokes inside and the house stinks. Stand your ground xx



 
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