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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 16:13 PM   1
Emmyjean
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Overbearing Friend


Hi ladies - not to launch into a long story, but I need some advice on how to handle something touchy.

Keeping it brief as possible - I have a friend who I used to be fairly close to, but have grown apart from in the past couple years. She sort of always held a kind of silent competition with me that other people would comment on (and I tried NOT to participate in/acknowledge). She got engaged a week after me for example (forced her boyfriend to buy a ring, that kind of thing). This is part of the reason I backed away from her - she got too overbearing, every time she asked me to hang out or do something it was like a challenge - if I said I couldn't, she made a federal case out of it.

ANYway - we were closer at the time that my husband and I made the difficult jump from friendship to romantic relationship, and I talked to her about it at the time - the struggles, the questions and uncertainty, etc.

She just got divorced from her husband (after three months of marriage) and is kind of going back to trying to elbow her way back into my business - and the baby is the new big thing. She keeps calling him "my baby" and got an earful from my sister a couple weeks ago because she said, "Well I was involved when they got together in the first place so technically, this baby wouldn't be here without me. That's why it's part mine." (?!?)

Others have started making comments to me on how weird it is, and I just don't know whether to ignore it the way I did last time until she gets the hint and backs off...or whether I should rip her a new one, because I'm so sick of this. I just hate drama, and would like to avoid it if possible. Plus I don't want to be a total bitch to her, as I'm kind of thinking she might actually need some kind of help/counseling. I mean isn't this bordering on seriously weird and not just annoying? Or am I reading too much into it?

What would you do? Any takers?



 
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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 16:21 PM   2
Koukla
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If she has any family you are on reasonably good terms with, I would express your concerns to them and then let them take over, if they so choose. Either way, it sounds like this so-called "friend" needs to be out of your life for good. She either has an overdeveloped sense of competition, or she is obsessed with you. Either way, she sounds mentally unstable and, just IMO, you're probably better off without her in your life. I'm sorry, but her taking credit for you being pregnant is creepy. My DH and I met through a mutual friend, and if she was to call either of our kids "hers" I'd give her a verbal b****-slapping and never speak to her again.



 
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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 16:23 PM   3
broodydan
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your not the only one hun! there was this girl on the school run we became really close and everything i did so did she, we drifted apart because i couldnt stand her partner always swearing at the kids and liked to intimidate everyone. as we drifted apart she would always ask what im doing, what ive bought my son for bdays and xmas ect and then when i started my cupcake business so did she! she got engaged the week after i did and made sure she had her ring before the day i was showing off mine. i became such a joke that everyone laughs at her and thankfully shes left the school now but i did confront her about it but all she gave me was excuses for everything so ive stopped talking to her now but ive heard through other people shes desperate for another baby now funny that as she knows full well im pregnant. argghhh so frustrating but im trying to laugh it off.
then theres this other friend who i have known for 22yrs and shes one of my best mates but shes taken to calling my baby her baby, all her fb status when i have an appointment or scan she writes awwww get to see my baby again today but shes my best friend and i find laughing at it and threatening to leave baby with her on bad nights seems to work enough. dont let it stress you out you will probably find she backs off when baby is here. i know my friend will shes got enough on her plate with her own children. i wouldnt say you were reading into it too much its hard when people invade your pregnant space think of them like uninvited bump rubs.



 
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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 16:27 PM   4
Here_we_go
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I don't think she means anything by it but it sure does sound annoying as hell to me. I think her life has been tore apart and she's trying to find a place for herself. Unfortunately it sounds like she's making her new place all about you. I would try to pull away from her a bit, try to make yourself unavailable more often. Do something with your sister or your hubby, just make sure not to invite her.

Maybe eventually she'll settle back into her own groove and not use you as a crutch so much. I don't think I'd rip her one...YET. It sounds like she's just going through alot and is falling back into old best-of-friends routine but she doesn't realize she's a third wheel. Try to distance yourself from her, with a you-and-your-husband mentality.

Good luck!



 
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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 16:42 PM   5
Emmyjean
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I should probably add that this is all exacerbated by the fact that she was pregnant once before, which led to a stillbirth at seven months and an ovarian cancer diagnosis - which led to the removal of one of her ovaries and an iffy prognosis for her own conception possibilities.

That's another reason I don't want to go off on her, really...I think she's probably latching onto this because of her own issues with wanting to have her own kids one day and not being sure how it'll go, and that's got to be HARD. But I still don't want my baby to be her little surrogate...he's MY baby, not her own personal therapy aid (I know that sounds harsh). And I think that's what she thinks...it's like she's trying to establish a claim over him so she can barge into the picture when he finally arrives.

I'm just worried that if I don't say anything now, and that's what starts happening when I'm at home in February with a two week-old infant (exhausted, stressed and emotional), whatever confrontation happens is going to be a lot uglier than it would have been otherwise. And I don't want that...



 
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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 17:37 PM   6
_jellybean_
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Wow. So I just was saying today that I think it's no big deal when my mom calls my son hers--BUT that's my mom.

I wouldn't be okay with it if it were a friend who I had a rocky relationship with (at best).

I have to say...I'd cut ties with her. I hope I don't sound harsh or mean, but it seems like she's causing you a lot of stress. That would be pretty sick if she started to get possessive about your child. It's just not normal. I mean, I'd be fine with it if it were my best friend, but this girl sounds like she has some issues. I'm sorry for her loss. That's awful...but it doesn't give her the right to treat you this way.

If you want to have a relationship with her, I advise you to set boundaries now, and be open about how you feel. She needs to know that she needs to back off a bit. It doesn't sound like you want her too attached to your little one, and in this case you really need to listen to your mommy instincts, hon. TBH, I got a bit creeped out reading your post about her.



 
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Old Oct 2nd, 2012, 19:08 PM   7
drsquid
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i cut ties with a friend like that. she didnt so much copy but... it was like i was dating her. if a friend and i went to dinner and didnt invite her she was pissed (before we all met for trivia one night a friend and i went to dinner.. she said why didnt you invite me.. i said.. cause we had korean and you dont like korean.. her answer.. you could have eaten something else... sigh). we finally ended up squabbling all the time which was no fun for anyone. we dindt speak for a long time. now i occasionally see her. it is much better. id say dont get to the squabbling point. just stop hanging out with her for now.



 
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Old Oct 3rd, 2012, 04:38 AM   8
Rosie.no1
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How sad, the girl obviously has some serious issues.. I'd feel sorry for her more than anything.. But, it is totally weird for you and very difficult to know what to do.

Sounds to me like she needs some help. She's clinging into you and its not healthy with the competition. I know someone like that and I've cone to realise that she is lacking happiness in her life so has to always do everything 'better' than the next person.

I wish I had some sound advice for you but I've no idea how you deal with overbearing friends!



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Old Oct 3rd, 2012, 12:53 PM   9
Emmyjean
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Thanks ladies - I really appreciate the support. It's gone on for so long and has gone to such an extreme that I really have no interest in being friends with her at this point, it's just that there's no real way to 'end' it. She lives in the neighborhood, we share mutual friends - who all know she's like this and agree that it's super-weird, but you know how people just don't like to get involved if they don't have to (I understand).

I could talk to her, or yell at her or tell her that I really just don't have any interest in a close friendship because of A-Z reasons, but I feel like it would just cause more drama and stress to me and everyone else. And I'd STILL have to see her often. So it's a very awkward thing.

It helped just coming here to vent - maybe the solution is just to keep turning down invites and solicitation to hang out/do things, and keep my distance. That way there's no big blowup. I'll have to just see what happens when the baby comes...



 
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Old Oct 3rd, 2012, 13:43 PM   10
poutie
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What a nightmare! She sounds like she's desperately trying to have some sort of control over your life, probably because she feels jealous or inadequate because she wants to have what you have. I would say something to her about it. If she's trying to say it's "her baby" and trying to basically say it's thanks to her that you're married and having a baby, that's just going too far. It sounds like she needs more things to keep her occupied in her own life.

I think the longer you let it go, the worse it'll get. She probably thinks she is entitled to be so overbearing and has no reason to stop her behavior because she doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, since nobody has told her otherwise.



 
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