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Old Apr 14th, 2017, 09:50 AM   1
nicem815
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Second baby blues....someone please give me some insight.


Please help. I am pregnant with baby #2. When I was pregnant with my daughter, although she wasn't planned, I felt really connected with her while I was pregnant. I FELT she was a girl from very early on. I would talk to her, and I just felt so completely in tune with this little angel growing in my womb.

Fast forward. My daughter is now 20 months. I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant. I was excited to get pregnant but never really felt as connected with this baby. Maybe it's because my husband was nervous in the beginning about a second one. Maybe it's because my daughter takes up most of my attention and time. I don't know....but I am struggling to feel a connection with this one , and I feel horrible for that.

Yesterday we had the anatomy scan. I was kind of hoping it was a boy because I wanted my husband to have a son to pass on his name, and I know it would mean a lot to him to be able to be the kind of father to his son that he wished his dad was. I have the chance to be the mother to our daughter that I wished I had, and I wanted the same for him. I also don't know if we will be able to have more or when, so I thought one of each would be nice (wishful thinking, I know). In my family, it was boy-girl-boy-girl. My husband's parents had 5 boys and 2 girls. So we thought we might get a boy this time! Well, they told us it was a girl. The emotions I felt were things I never wish on anyone. I felt shocked. I have issues and they're coming out. My younger sister was compared to me A LOT (still to this day) and it gave her massive issues. I was compared to my cousin who was always far thinner than me and did better in school...which of course wasn't good for my self esteem, either. I guess I felt by having a boy and a girl, we wouldn't have to deal with that....but I know they can compare to each other in different ways.

I guess my issue mainly is a deep rooted fear that I cannot be a good mother to two daughters. That I'm not strong enough or smart enough or worldly enough or educated enough to be a good role model. In terms of body image, I worked really hard to rid myself of most of my issues before having children because I DID NOT WANT to pass any of those things on to them. However, I fear passing on other issues.

I don't even really want to tell people. I don't want to hear people say, "Aw, well thats okay! The next one will be a boy". Or say something like they feel pity for my husband. I am just assuming that people will even say that. Everyone might be really supportive....but I'm just too emotional right now to deal with anything condescending or like they pity us. I don't want pity and I don't need pity. I've come to terms with it, and I'm happy to have two girls! I just can't deal with comments right now.

So, I had the ultrasound and then I saw the doctor and she informed me that the baby also has an echogenic intracardiac foci (EIF). So there I am sobbing in front of the doctor who I just met. She said it's probably nothing to worry about, but I now have to get ultrasounds every month and if it hasn't cleared by next month, we may get DNA testing. If our child has any chromosomal abnormalities, we will still love and cherish this child regardless, but of course it's scary to hear that at first.

Anyway, I've come to terms now and am actually happy about having 2 girls. I actually spoke to God about how I thought 2 daughters close in age would be so nice to have (years ago) because my sister is 9 years younger than me and we have never been very close, and I always craved to have a good relationship with a sister. I guess I just wanted my husband to have his boy...even though he's happy and doesn't seem to mind at all. He loves our daughter.

Okay, so I'm happy about 2 girls. I'm hopeful for our baby's health. A growing family is beautiful to me. Yet, I'm still feeling down....? I still feel like I'm processing everything. I still feel depressed. It should be down that I did have clinical depression years ago, and had pretty had PPD after our daughter was born....I still feel that empty feeling. I still feel like I have to force myself to do things that are normally fun for me. I have to force myself to exercise even though I know it is good for me and makes me feel better. I just don't have the energy sometimes...after taking care of my daughter and my husband and barely taking care of things around my super cluttered home....I'm beat. I can't live like that with 2 kids, I NEED to take care of myself more....I used to wake up at 4:30 am and exercise hardcore. I loved it. Now I'm lucky if I go for a walk or do 20 minutes of cardio. I just have no drive. Which I feel also ties in to me not feeling connected to baby #2. My husband says it's like a self fulfilling prophecy when I say "I think I'm just depressed"....but I truly feel like it's this all consuming low. I am the person who always wanted a family and now I can't connect to the child I am growing? It just doesn't add up. It just doesn't make sense. It scares the crap out of me. When I went on medication for PPD, I felt so much better....I'm thinking of asking for it immediately after I deliver. Would that be crazy? I just can't stand feeling this way. My family is my world and to feel like this is just not me.



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Old Apr 14th, 2017, 12:51 PM   2
ShockingB
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Hiya I don't have much advice other than I think you should sleep on it. Sounds like you're getting yourself all worked up over things you have no control over. I'm sure you're a great mother to your little girl and you will be just as great to your second one no doubt. Just try spending some time thinking about the things in your life that make you smile. Everything else is in the hands of God and there isn't much point worrying about the future. Try and enjoy the time you have left as a family of 3 before the little one arrives .



 
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Old Apr 14th, 2017, 15:52 PM   3
nicem815
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Originally Posted by ShockingB View Post
Hiya I don't have much advice other than I think you should sleep on it. Sounds like you're getting yourself all worked up over things you have no control over. I'm sure you're a great mother to your little girl and you will be just as great to your second one no doubt. Just try spending some time thinking about the things in your life that make you smile. Everything else is in the hands of God and there isn't much point worrying about the future. Try and enjoy the time you have left as a family of 3 before the little one arrives .
Thanks! I'm definitely trying to do that...I think my hormones are just all over the place currently. My husband suggested I exercise today because he knows it helps me get my mind in the right place. I'm feeling a bit better after that



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Old Apr 15th, 2017, 08:32 AM   4
xdxxtx
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I didn't connect with my second-born while I was pregnant with him. I still don't connect with him easily, and he's almost 4. He's an amazing little kid, but there was no natural bond between us. I can't explain it. We struggle to bond, but we just spend more time on each other and put more effort into our relationship. Much of the time, the bond will come on its own. This one hasn't yet, but I'm sure it will.



 
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Old Apr 15th, 2017, 20:37 PM   5
nicem815
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Originally Posted by xdxxtx View Post
I didn't connect with my second-born while I was pregnant with him. I still don't connect with him easily, and he's almost 4. He's an amazing little kid, but there was no natural bond between us. I can't explain it. We struggle to bond, but we just spend more time on each other and put more effort into our relationship. Much of the time, the bond will come on its own. This one hasn't yet, but I'm sure it will.
Thanks for the insight 💕



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Old Apr 17th, 2017, 23:56 PM   6
UnderPressure
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I felt disconnected throughout my first pregnancy. Like.... I knew I was pregnant and could feel baby move and was connected to the idea of the baby, but I didn't feel love for him until he was born. I dealt with pretty rotten gender disappointment as well, but again--once he was born it seemed ridiculous because I can't imagine loving a person more than I love him.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about adding a second child to or family. This was a planned pregnancy but I often feel overwhelmed and like I don't have the support/help that I need from my husband. It worries me that in four months I'll be adding to that without any guarantee that I'll have help.

We had our anatomy ultrasound for this baby a week ago. It wouldn't let the tech check its gender. So I get to have a surprise (which is what I wanted, but not my husband) when the baby is born. In some ways I'm glad for this because I couldn't even tell you what I think or hope this baby is, gender-wise. I worry about the baby all the time--who he/she is, whether she/he will struggle with developmental stuff like our son, if this baby will be as loving as our son (or as rough, but hopefully not).... how will this baby impact my relationship with my other child and will he have trouble? Will i lose "me" again for a while when I turn back into a walking milk bar?

The thing about pregnancy and birth and parenting is that they are all TOUGH. Like really tough. And it's ok to worry and have doubts and such. However, if you're feeling empty and depressed, maybe it's time to talk with your care provider now instead of when the baby is born about how you're feeling.



 
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Old Apr 18th, 2017, 08:53 AM   7
May55
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Just want to say I understand how you feel completely..My son was very much unplanned, but I was so deeply connected and in love with him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I spent my days just dreaming about him.. This pregnancy, we tried for 2 years to get here and now I just feel blah... I am very excited to have another but I feel no where near what I did with my son. We found out we are having another boy and it honestly was a big let down for me... My son is my special boy and I wanted a girl so bad because I just cant imagine another little boy in my life, He has always been my little guy... It worries me. I know I will love this baby with all of me, but it has been very hard this time around. I dont talk about it to anyone because I feel so guilty about those feelings. Im sure that once we meet our little one, things will be different and we will be just as deeply in love as the first one.



 
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Old Apr 18th, 2017, 21:01 PM   8
lilmisscaviar
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Hun, I think we all have those emotions at some point. I'm glad you came out in the open because most of us bottle it in and brood on it for fear of being judged by others. If I'm honest, I felt connected with my first two but not so much with my third. My reasoning is a bit different, as I had three back-to-back losses before her, so I didn't want to get too attached in case something happened.

With my third I was really really hoping my third was a boy for two reasons. One was that I didn't know if I'd be able to carry another baby again and that there was a chance my third could have been my last. Another was because my DS has borderline Autism and a very girly sister. I wanted to give him a brother so bad that way he'd have someone to play with because dolls, ponies, picking flowers and coloring pretty pictures don't interest him.

When the ultrasound revealed I was having a girl, I was crushed. I felt like I had failed my DS. This didn't help at all with connecting with my third but when she was born, it was hard not to love her. I felt like I wasted my pregnancy brooding on things that I couldn't control. If I was meant to be a mom of two girls, then so be it. She actually loves me more than she does anyone and that made it easier to connect with her as a baby. She is now the happiest, smartest and easiest of all of our three kids.

This pregnancy was actually an accident, albeit a happy one, because I didn't think I could ever get past the first trimester again. Tbh I still don't feel connected much with this baby but I remember how it was with my third and I'm sure I'll feel more attached when he is born. Don't fret too much... I'm sure you will love your second daughter just as much as your first. You may never feel that connection during pregnancy, but once she is born, I'm sure all those feelings will fade.

Sorry for the book... just wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that you're not alone



 
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Old Apr 22nd, 2017, 10:11 AM   9
nicem815
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Originally Posted by UnderPressure View Post
I felt disconnected throughout my first pregnancy. Like.... I knew I was pregnant and could feel baby move and was connected to the idea of the baby, but I didn't feel love for him until he was born. I dealt with pretty rotten gender disappointment as well, but again--once he was born it seemed ridiculous because I can't imagine loving a person more than I love him.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about adding a second child to or family. This was a planned pregnancy but I often feel overwhelmed and like I don't have the support/help that I need from my husband. It worries me that in four months I'll be adding to that without any guarantee that I'll have help.

We had our anatomy ultrasound for this baby a week ago. It wouldn't let the tech check its gender. So I get to have a surprise (which is what I wanted, but not my husband) when the baby is born. In some ways I'm glad for this because I couldn't even tell you what I think or hope this baby is, gender-wise. I worry about the baby all the time--who he/she is, whether she/he will struggle with developmental stuff like our son, if this baby will be as loving as our son (or as rough, but hopefully not).... how will this baby impact my relationship with my other child and will he have trouble? Will i lose "me" again for a while when I turn back into a walking milk bar?

The thing about pregnancy and birth and parenting is that they are all TOUGH. Like really tough. And it's ok to worry and have doubts and such. However, if you're feeling empty and depressed, maybe it's time to talk with your care provider now instead of when the baby is born about how you're feeling.
How exciting that you will be surprised!

I understand not having the support. My husband is very supportive and loving but he works so much that he's barely home to help me coparent. It makes a lot of things more difficult, so I can understand if you feel like you don't have enough help. Parenting is hard!

I hope you're feeling well...I also felt the same way in terms of not really knowing or hoping the baby would be one gender or another. I honestly think in my heart I will feel connected more when she is here, but I think I never really recovered from my PPD and it's rearing it's ugly head.



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Old Apr 22nd, 2017, 10:14 AM   10
nicem815
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Originally Posted by lilmisscaviar View Post
Hun, I think we all have those emotions at some point. I'm glad you came out in the open because most of us bottle it in and brood on it for fear of being judged by others. If I'm honest, I felt connected with my first two but not so much with my third. My reasoning is a bit different, as I had three back-to-back losses before her, so I didn't want to get too attached in case something happened.

With my third I was really really hoping my third was a boy for two reasons. One was that I didn't know if I'd be able to carry another baby again and that there was a chance my third could have been my last. Another was because my DS has borderline Autism and a very girly sister. I wanted to give him a brother so bad that way he'd have someone to play with because dolls, ponies, picking flowers and coloring pretty pictures don't interest him.

When the ultrasound revealed I was having a girl, I was crushed. I felt like I had failed my DS. This didn't help at all with connecting with my third but when she was born, it was hard not to love her. I felt like I wasted my pregnancy brooding on things that I couldn't control. If I was meant to be a mom of two girls, then so be it. She actually loves me more than she does anyone and that made it easier to connect with her as a baby. She is now the happiest, smartest and easiest of all of our three kids.

This pregnancy was actually an accident, albeit a happy one, because I didn't think I could ever get past the first trimester again. Tbh I still don't feel connected much with this baby but I remember how it was with my third and I'm sure I'll feel more attached when he is born. Don't fret too much... I'm sure you will love your second daughter just as much as your first. You may never feel that connection during pregnancy, but once she is born, I'm sure all those feelings will fade.

Sorry for the book... just wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that you're not alone
Please don't apologize for the "book"! I enjoyed reading all of it. I can see how you felt like you "failed" your son, but you totally didn't--and you realized that after all, like you said

I wish you so much happiness and health in pregnancy #4!

I am warmed up to the idea of having another girl now because I think it will be so nice for my daughter to have a sister close in age....my sister and I are 9 years apart and never really had that closeness that I craved, so I wanted my children to be able to experience that (God willing!).



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