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Old Nov 29th, 2017, 11:57 AM   1
sevenofnine
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Baby feels like an intrusion...


Okay... this might be a long post. I guess I just need to vent a little bit.

First, let me start with a bit of backstory. My husband and I got married in 2009, but have basically been unofficially together since 2004, and grew up as good friends before that (we have always known each other because our families are close).

After we had DD1, my husband took to her immediately. He had no "warming up" period, he just automatically took to being a dad (which was great because I was stuck in bed on a magnesium drip for 48 hours after birth). He did all the first diapers... everything. I, on the other hand, felt a little differently.

It wasn't that I didn't love her or care for her. I just felt conflicted. And honestly, at first, she felt like a bit of an intrusion. We had been so very happy for so many years just the two of us, and the thought of it never being just the two of us anymore... well it was difficult to wrap my head around. I didn't have PPD or anything, I was just... overwhelmed by all the changes. Could I love someone as much as my husband? We used to say that we could be the last two people in the world, and fare pretty well, because we just...worked.

Well, of course, that all changed fairly quickly. Now, with my DD nearly 5 years old, we're a happy family of 3, and those feelings are long gone. Logically I knew they would, but it doesn't change how you're feeling at the time!

So now, I logically know that I will eventually feel the same way about #2 as I do about #1... but I can't shake the same feelings. I feel like this baby is an intrusion on our happy family of 3. I feel like I can't completely bond... A. because I have trouble bonding until I can "meet" them, and B. because I feel like how could I possibly love another child as much as DD1? I feel like I'm ruining everything! (I know I'm not being logical, but still!)

It doesn't help that I grew up as a very happy only child. I have no experience with siblings! I never wanted one (although I'm sure I would have been happy if I had gotten one), and I was happy with it being just my parents and I... so I have no idea what to expect!

My husband is from a family of 5, so he always wanted more. But I can't wrap my head around any of it. Right now it just makes me feel sad. Don't get me wrong- the idea of a baby sounds good, but once I realize it's my baby and it will be part of our family, I get a little lost.

My husband and DD1 are super excited! She hasn't said a cross word about anything, and wants the baby to sleep in her room and just already seems ready to go. Me on the other hand... I feel bad for feeling like I do!

Thanks for the vent... hope anyone that read it survived. I probably sound like a jumbly mess.



 
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Old Nov 29th, 2017, 12:02 PM   2
Reiko_ctu
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Hugs mama. I definitely know the "how can I love another child this much" feeling. It DOES happen! It's weird, my girls are so different so I love each of their personalities in a different way. It's also such a rewarding experience giving your child a sibling. I know it will be a hard adjustment after such a long time with just the 3 of you! But it will happen with time -- also if you have a hard time bonding that IS a form of ppd, maybe not one that needs medication or anything extreme but it is part of it and could be helped by just talking to someone about it! I would also talk to your husband to help protect you. You need protected time with your family to bond all together. Tons of guests snatching your baby away for cuddles is not helpful for that. People wanting to feed the baby is not helpful. That's all things that need to be protected for you and your family.



 
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Old Nov 29th, 2017, 12:23 PM   3
sevenofnine
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Originally Posted by Reiko_ctu View Post
Hugs mama. I definitely know the "how can I love another child this much" feeling. It DOES happen! It's weird, my girls are so different so I love each of their personalities in a different way. It's also such a rewarding experience giving your child a sibling. I know it will be a hard adjustment after such a long time with just the 3 of you! But it will happen with time -- also if you have a hard time bonding that IS a form of ppd, maybe not one that needs medication or anything extreme but it is part of it and could be helped by just talking to someone about it! I would also talk to your husband to help protect you. You need protected time with your family to bond all together. Tons of guests snatching your baby away for cuddles is not helpful for that. People wanting to feed the baby is not helpful. That's all things that need to be protected for you and your family.
Thank you for your response!

I definitely agree with you about visitors. I think this time, I'm going to be pushing all visits for a couple weeks out- it was just simply too much to be home 1 day from the hospital and have a bunch of family over. I wasn't ready. Granted, I didn't have to cook or clean or do anything (my mom and husband did everything- I was quite spoiled)- but it was still hard having so many people. I was NOT in the mood.

I never thought of difficultly bonding as a form of PPD. Perhaps it was because I never really felt depressed or sad- I just felt like "how am I expected to love someone I just met"? I didn't know what I was supposed to feel. It didn't last long, and I don't know when the feelings left, but they did (of course)!

And who knows- things could be different this time. I'm trying to get rid of any expectations I have based off #1 (especially since this pregnancy has been worlds different from my first as well)!



 
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Old Nov 29th, 2017, 20:06 PM   4
Juliet11
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Sending hugs! You don't sound jumbled. I keep having internal conflicts during this pregnancy, not same things as you but I keep stewing and thinking ahead and having a hard time to relax.
I think just as you first thought, it would be hard to go from the 2 to the 3, you will also adjust going 3 to 4, and it will feel great when you adjust!!

I can get it though before you had DD, when it was you and hubby. I MISS those days so much, we had 2&1/2 years married before kids (then had twins!), and we did everything together with no big worries or cares... fun to look back on it, but of course wouldn't trade it for what we have now!

It's good to come on here and talk about your feelings, and gain support from BB friends! Hope you feel better soon! it will all fall into place in time!



 
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Old Nov 29th, 2017, 20:42 PM   5
sevenofnine
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Originally Posted by Juliet11 View Post
Sending hugs! You don't sound jumbled. I keep having internal conflicts during this pregnancy, not same things as you but I keep stewing and thinking ahead and having a hard time to relax.
I think just as you first thought, it would be hard to go from the 2 to the 3, you will also adjust going 3 to 4, and it will feel great when you adjust!!

I can get it though before you had DD, when it was you and hubby. I MISS those days so much, we had 2&1/2 years married before kids (then had twins!), and we did everything together with no big worries or cares... fun to look back on it, but of course wouldn't trade it for what we have now!

It's good to come on here and talk about your feelings, and gain support from BB friends! Hope you feel better soon! it will all fall into place in time!
Wow twins! I can't imagine twins, as it's hard for me to imagine siblings in general! I wish I had more experience. I hardly even knew anyone that had siblings when I was younger. It happened that all my closer friends growing up (except my now husband) were only children.

I am just so happy with things how the way they are, that it seems strange to add another! Haha, I know I'll look back on this later on next year and laugh at myself...



 
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Old Nov 30th, 2017, 17:01 PM   6
Zephram
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These are all normal feelings whether you grew up an only child or with 4 siblings! I have one brother and I had all the same thoughts before having DS2. My DS1 was my world and I experienced so much mummy guilt that I was basically bumping him from the number one spot of 100% attention to a world where he would have to wait and come second 50% of the time.

Most mums worry about loving their second as much as their first, too, but the thing is, you just do. I remember when DS2 was born I realised that despite carrying him for 9 months, I did not know him as well as I knew DS1, who was 2 years and 8 months. It takes time to figure out who the new baby is and this is daunting as you have years of memories with your first from which to draw on. But aside from that blank slate vs years of memories thing, I have loved them both equally from the second they came into this world. You love twice as much, you don't halve the love you have for one and give it to the other.

It took all of us time to get used to the change. DS1 wasn't overjoyed about having a brother, even though we did all the things advised to prepare him - but it didn't last. They are best buds now, though they still fight like cats and dogs.

The biggest thing I realised about giving my kids siblings is that what they lose from the 100% me and him relationship, they gain in the relationship with their sibling. They gain new relationships outside of you and that makes their worlds richer. And they have a playmate from birth, which is a very good thing.

Change always takes time, but don't worry about it. Your new baby will be a part of the family and it happens very quickly that you can't imagine what life was like before them.



 
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Old Nov 30th, 2017, 20:09 PM   7
sevenofnine
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Originally Posted by Zephram View Post
These are all normal feelings whether you grew up an only child or with 4 siblings! I have one brother and I had all the same thoughts before having DS2. My DS1 was my world and I experienced so much mummy guilt that I was basically bumping him from the number one spot of 100% attention to a world where he would have to wait and come second 50% of the time.

Most mums worry about loving their second as much as their first, too, but the thing is, you just do. I remember when DS2 was born I realised that despite carrying him for 9 months, I did not know him as well as I knew DS1, who was 2 years and 8 months. It takes time to figure out who the new baby is and this is daunting as you have years of memories with your first from which to draw on. But aside from that blank slate vs years of memories thing, I have loved them both equally from the second they came into this world. You love twice as much, you don't halve the love you have for one and give it to the other.

It took all of us time to get used to the change. DS1 wasn't overjoyed about having a brother, even though we did all the things advised to prepare him - but it didn't last. They are best buds now, though they still fight like cats and dogs.

The biggest thing I realised about giving my kids siblings is that what they lose from the 100% me and him relationship, they gain in the relationship with their sibling. They gain new relationships outside of you and that makes their worlds richer. And they have a playmate from birth, which is a very good thing.

Change always takes time, but don't worry about it. Your new baby will be a part of the family and it happens very quickly that you can't imagine what life was like before them.
I am very hormonal and your post made me tear up. Thank you so much, this really helps a lot. Iím glad to know Iím not the only one to have worried about this!

Thank you again

xx



 
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Old Dec 1st, 2017, 05:05 AM   8
Sarahcake
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Hey lovely, first off big hugs it's so hard sometimes isn't it.

Im having a bit of a crisis with this one, my son was removed from my care at 1 month old. His father (and I use that term loosely) shook him and gave him a bleed on the brain. The coward then didn't own up to it for 10 months. Once he did, my son was returned to me immediately and we moved to the other end of the country.

I had to try and maintain a bond with my son throughout that and when I got him home, I loved him, I always had, but I found it hard to form a proper bond. He is 5 now and things are very different. He is part of my soul, my heart, my everything and I'd kill for him. Fiercely protective of him.

I'm now pregnant with my second - mine and my partner's first. I know what happened with my first won't happen to this one but I'm on protective mode from the off. I'm so scared about not being able to bond with her and because I was a part time parent for much of my son's first year, I'm terrified that I will get it wrong. I'm scared that I won't be able to love this girl like I love my son.

I know when she's here, it will be very different and my love will double so theirs enough for both kids. But these fears feel very very real when your pregnant don't they and they can really tar what should be a happy time.

It's going to take a while for me to adjust to our new family dynamic, as it will you, but that is ok. It's totally ok to feel fear, nervousness and worry. It will all work out the same as it has for your first, it just may take time.

Big hugs. Sorry, my post kinda turned into a bit of a rant but I just wanted to say that there are people in similar situations thinking similar things



 
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Old Dec 1st, 2017, 08:27 AM   9
sevenofnine
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Originally Posted by Sarahcake View Post
Hey lovely, first off big hugs it's so hard sometimes isn't it.

Im having a bit of a crisis with this one, my son was removed from my care at 1 month old. His father (and I use that term loosely) shook him and gave him a bleed on the brain. The coward then didn't own up to it for 10 months. Once he did, my son was returned to me immediately and we moved to the other end of the country.

I had to try and maintain a bond with my son throughout that and when I got him home, I loved him, I always had, but I found it hard to form a proper bond. He is 5 now and things are very different. He is part of my soul, my heart, my everything and I'd kill for him. Fiercely protective of him.

I'm now pregnant with my second - mine and my partner's first. I know what happened with my first won't happen to this one but I'm on protective mode from the off. I'm so scared about not being able to bond with her and because I was a part time parent for much of my son's first year, I'm terrified that I will get it wrong. I'm scared that I won't be able to love this girl like I love my son.

I know when she's here, it will be very different and my love will double so theirs enough for both kids. But these fears feel very very real when your pregnant don't they and they can really tar what should be a happy time.

It's going to take a while for me to adjust to our new family dynamic, as it will you, but that is ok. It's totally ok to feel fear, nervousness and worry. It will all work out the same as it has for your first, it just may take time.

Big hugs. Sorry, my post kinda turned into a bit of a rant but I just wanted to say that there are people in similar situations thinking similar things
Hugs to you too, that had to be the hardest thing to go through with your son. Iím so glad you have him back in your care.

I can imagine having a form of PTSD with a second pregnancy, Iíd be worried constantly. Like you sort of said, logically you know that it wonít happen again, but some feelings are so deep seated and strong!

Iím so glad to have this forum and be able to share these feelings, and hear other peopleís experiences too.

Hugs to you too!



 
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Old Dec 2nd, 2017, 10:19 AM   10
Sarahcake
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It really helps to be able to get it out there doesn't it. I'm lucky that my partner understands, I've spoken to him very openly about it all and outright told him the first time he takes her by himself, I will be beside myself, absolutely petrified, but that is not on him because I trust him to the end of the earth, it's on me and the mental scarring I have from what happened. My friends on the other hand, think I'm being silly being as it was 5 years ago and not the same dad so it's hard to talk about with people I know. We all walk our own difficult paths but it's good to know that we can share those with others here that will understand



 
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