Has anyone found a change in their friends attitudes since you've got pregnant? This is my first pregnancy, and most of my friends are still the same, BUT those who I would have considered to be my best friends have changed dramatically towards me. I know there's lots of reasons, i.e. one is ttc and has been for a while, another was leaving to go to Australia with and Ozzie boyfriend but they've (literally) just split up this last week. (But I've done my upmost for both of them and always trying to help and be there)
I just feel (and I know it's hormones, I know) that when I really need my good friends they've headed for the hills! Ok, I'm exaggerating, we still meet up from time to time and chat from time to time, but I do feel quite deserted.
Put it this way in my first tri, we probably met up more, but I had a lot of jibes about not coping very well, and saying oh so and so would cope much better than you. Oh you're getting really big! Oh can't believe you're not drinking Diet Coke now, there wasn't all of this can't drink this in my Mum's day, and I'm fine etc etc.
Now in my 2nd tri, I don't see them very often nor speak as often (I initiate calls) and when we do meet there's rarely an acknowledgement of my being pregnant. No questions or phone calls when I had either of my scans etc. These are people I would've considered to be my closest friends who loved me the most, but it seems that they prefer me as I was last year, depressed and unhappy to as I am now, pregnant and engaged and happy! In fact I've had quite a few comments along those kind of lines too...oh it's alright for you you've got loads of money (only cos I saved tonnes, paid off my own debts and don't own a house, which I would love to btw).
Funny the more I write it down, the more I think it must be jealousy, but what do I do? I want my friends to be here for me, not snipey and horrible to me. Everytime I think about it I cry...Help!
Thank you for reading and apologies for being weak and moany
i am so sorry to hear that you are feeling a little lonely, To be honest i can really relate you how you are feeling. I have two close friends who i consider my sisters we have been thorough so much together for over a decade, Now that i am pregnant something has shifted and changed so much so that when i am with them i find myself wishing i wasn't, maybe its me that has changed i just don't find some of the things that they are talking about interesting anymore. I love them dearly but people change its heartbreaking but i knew one day it would happen.
yeh im the same, alot of my friends are pregnant at the mo so there fine but my 2 closest friends are single and i kind of do think their abit jealous, my best friend split with her long distance other half a few weeks ago and iv tried so hard to be supportive to her but it always feels abit awkward when we meet up =( i guess you just have to take it with a pinch of salt, we are going to have our hands very full soon =D xxxx
I know since some friends have gone on to have children and other friends have just decided to "grow up" priorities change and the same has happened to me to - we are just more selective about what time we have spare, all being very busy with loads on - we also live a lot longer away from each other - I live the furthest away now - so no, we aren't just "hanging out" anymore but when we do see each other we have dinner and catch up and it's as if we were never away. It's just different - we've all grown up a lot in the last 5 years and in different ways, for different reasons and with different outlooks in our futures, but inside we're still the same.
I know if I had a disaster I could rely on them to help me if they could.
Sorry you're feeling pants about your friendships but if there are friends you know deep inside you want to hold on to then keep in touch when you can - arrange to go for tea once in a while.
You'll also start making new friends as a new mother - there's all sorts of mother and baby groups - my mum met her best friend of 32 years through me ( and her friends son ) - these people will have more in common with you just as their priorities will be similar to yours. Maybe see it as a chance to broaden your friends groups?
I have noticed a change and whilst I understand, I do find it a little hurtful as I get quite lonely and isolated at times. My best mate who doesn't live close by is brilliant, she always stays in contact and offers support and I am going to make sure that she knows how much I appreciate her. It hasn't been easy for the others with my hyperemesis because I can't go out, not even to work and when they text to ask how I am, there are only so many ways to dress up that I am feeling lousy and have my head in the toilet.
Anyway my way of dealing with this has been to join NCT and sign up for the classes. That way I should meet ladies who live locally and who are due around the same time so that I have companionship leading up to and following the birth.
I know everyone is different but this is my way of dealing with it.
I had the same problem with my best friend in my first tri. she was always comparing me to others who were pregnant and When I would avoid certain foods that contain raw egg (salad dressings) she would compare me to another friend and say "well she eats it". I found she didn't contact me at all unless I initiated it and she was really distant when I was around her. So, I called her out on it! I spoke to her about it and told her how I felt. It turns out she was having marital problems and her distancing herself from me was her way of not burdening me with her problems because she didn't want to stress me out in my first tri...I was glad she told me and ever since she has been very supportive and wants to know about all my appointments and everything else. I am also there for her whenever she needs to talk...I think you should tell them how you feel. My friend didn't realize that distancing herself was stressing me out more than if she had just told me the truth!
Thanks everyone for your responses, it's good to know its quite a normal thing and it's not just me! I guess I need to speak to them and let them know how I feel, I don't know why but I find it really hard to do this with friends, bizarre I can moan about everything else but opening myself up and telling them how they are making me feel is really hard. But I will try, I guess equally I don't want to burden them as I know life isn't easy for them at the moment either.
I guess also we are at totally different stages with differnent priorities, maybe I expect too much of people?
But you're right I am planning on doing NCT for the reason of meeting people and also starting a pregnancy yoga/exercise/meditation group on Thursday, so hopefully there'll be some other girlies there
Thanks again for all your comments, I'm going to go back and re-read them all and see if I can work out how best to go from here. Love n hugs to you all xxx
I feel just the same, pregnant with my second and it's definitely worse second time round, many of my friends havent even really acknowledged that I'm pregnant and some havent mentioned it at all! Some are TTC and I understand this must be really tough for them particularly as i'm lucky enough to have a little boy already but i do think if it was the other way round despite being a little jealous I would be supportive and happy for them.
Since I had my son i have stopped hanging out with a lot of my old friends, i still see them now and again but i have met a lot of new people, all who are lovely and have kids which just makes things easier. They are very understanding of screaming babies and also if you need to cancel something last minute. i think it's just a natural shift and when my other friends all start to have babies too we will spend more time together again My priorities have also changed hugely too, it's now all about my son and i'm not interested in going out, drinking lots of wine and falling through the door, i think those days are over and i'm much happier being a mum x
Hi there, Im sorry to hear about your friends but I can totally sypathise with you! I have mostly male friends, and I dont really expect them to get super excited, they are men lol. But my best friend is a girl and she couldnt care less. Shesmore excited about my friends who are getting married in July 2011! She had the cheek to say to them that they only had 9 months to go, regardless of the fact that I was there!
She has been totally unsupportive and tbh I feel really let down.
You just have to hold your head high and dont let it get to you, I imagine they will be totally different once the LO is born.
hi ya. sorry to hear about ur friends, hope ur ok.
i dont have many friends round here, i moved away to be with my hubbi whos in the army. my true friends from back home have been awesome, but some friends around here have been a bit funny with me. things like i'll text them and ask them when they're free to meet up and i get ignored. sometimes it feels as though people dont have time for me which is sad. i cant even see why and the fact that me being pregnant has anything to do with it?
like one of the others said i'm sure we'll make new friends when babies come. mother and baby classes etc. x
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