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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:39 AM   1
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what happens to my children if i die, need advice

well ill make it short.

im Scottish, husband Turkish.

have a 16month old and one on way.

since having ella and being pregnant i often wonder what will happen if i die before or during birth or after birth or in future, ella was high risk and this one is too.

ideally i would like my brother to take the kids or my mum and dad, reason being that oh works and turkish men are born workers, he worked hard to get is indefinite leave to stay in uk permanently so there is no chance of him moving back permanently to turkey

i tried casually talking to him about what ifs..

and he thought i was obvessly silly but he had said all take them to turkey for 6 months then bk to uk then bk to turkey and so on i said shut up you wouldnt really do that, thats not a way of living securely

what i genuinely think he would do is get his family to look after the kids and visit often for periods at a time. reason i think this is because where he comes from the women look after the children and to all the domestic and the men work work work and give all the attention to the kids.

i love my oh and he is a fantastic dad and he works hard, hes more of a laidback turkish man and is more modern day, were both 24/25 years old and have been married for more than 2 years.

i no it must sound silly, but at the end of the day i dont want my kids growing up in turkey away from my family and away from uk life, do you know what i mean?

is there away of sorting this out?

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:41 AM   2
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Its normal to worry. Write a living will with all your wishes for your kids. Get it all done properly with a solicitor.
It will help put you at ease.
Ideally, talk to your parents, and brother about what you would like if the worst happened(which I am sure it won't) and talk to your OH too.

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:46 AM   3
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sounds like your stuck hun, my OH and i have talked about this as Im from NZ and hes from SA but counts the UK as home, we decided that if he was able to support the kids here i have a network of friends who would offer to be live-in nannies if he needed so he could stay here short term and earn a decent sum then move to closer to my family ( as his are in sweden and canada ) to have the help from my sisters with raising the children. and if something was to happen to him then id move back there ASAP to be near family as our only support network here is friends and though they are lovely they cant replace family. DH doesnt feel like moving to Sweden where his mum and sister live is an option caus they couldnt cope with it and his Dad doesnt share our beliefs or principles in child raising and they arent close anyway so he wouldnt feel comfortable going there.

if the worst happend to both of us then ds2's God parents will care for the children short-term till my family could arrange to collect them and they would live with one of my sisters

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:49 AM   4
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I'm afraid a living will won't override the father's rights. As their father, he has as much right to say what happens to them as you do, and if he decides to raise them in Turkey then that's his right. Sorry hun.

Best I can suggest is that you try and maybe make things good for him here. Take out life insurance and so on so that he could afford a good life in the UK, maybe something would make him more likely to stay?

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:52 AM   5
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a will or letter of intent will need to be drawn up to award guardianship, but to be honest no court will take the kids off their father to live with your family, unless he is unable to support them.

my hubby jokes that he will have a ball if i was to die before him and leave him with the kids and the life insurance, but when we came down to doing our wills, he was all upset at the thought of it. but we had agreed how things would work and i know he will stick by my wishes with regards to their care, as i will with his, even the ones i don't like e.g encouraging the kids to support liverpool etc

figuring out what would happen if both of us were to die was harder, as although i would love my sister to have the kids, she has her own family and i don't think it's fair for her to have to raise my kids too, mum and dad have done their bit so can't expect them to do it again, so we have gone with his brother, who couldn't have any kids, not my 1st choice but a fairer choice all round and i would rather they we treated like their own family unit, rather than an impossion to another family, iykwim.

depressing topic, but have a chat with oh and agree on what you would do, then make it legal. it will give you peace of mind, as you really never know what will happen.

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:58 AM   6
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i know hes more likely to take them to turkey, hes from a small village and its all like animals and vinyards and sounds amazing, but ive been there and lived there for months and its hard living really is, i thank my lucky stars im from the uk as we have more of a wealthier life and much safer. if they did go it means that they would most likely grow up only knowing turkish and having to go by the turkish way of living which to be honest i wouldnt want them doing, because it is tough out there. i just feel for my family, there grandparents and other family, if that was to happen there would be no chance of them getting to see my kids, and that would be heartbreaking for them not getting to see them like they are now x

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:59 AM   7
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you need to get a will written up, everyone needs one with regards to there children, who do you want to look after your kids if you both died?

You could write your will so your parents or whoever you choose have joint custity (sp?) with your OH. but will need to get legal advice on that.

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 08:59 AM   8
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Exactly what Couldthisbeit said.

Only thing you can do is get a member of your family to immediately apply for joint residency and let the courts decide which country....having the application in stalls the process. That's what my parents would do should my ex apply for custody (not that he definiately will, he's absent but because he's on the birth certificate he has joint parental responsibility).

I do think you have to ensure he's not reliant on others (his family, you) as a father generally, for him to feel competent at raising them himself in the event of your death - because in all fairness wanting your family around you as a single parent is understandable. And make a stable financial situation here so he doesn't want to go back.

If he wants them to go back, it's probably easier and more financially viable for your family to visit there, than for his to visit him and the kids here isn't it? If he's a good father with their best interests you'd have to trust him to make that decision - just get a guaruntee they have regular English lessons out there.

A will is meaningless - his wishes as joint parent as more legally binding. You need to make sure you agree and have a plan - if you die he will want to honour that anyway.

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Old Jun 17th, 2011, 10:25 AM   9
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It is difficult not to think about something like this cause want a plan set up. The best thing to do is to get a will set up or some form of legal documentation.

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