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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 15:58 PM   1
Hopefyllymum
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Married and sexually unsatisfied


Hi everyone. I rarely post in here but Im really frustrated and this is something I can't discuss with no one. A bit of background- I have been with OH for over 7 years now married for 9 months and expecting our first child. He is the most loving, warm and supportive man I know. For some reason sexually something must be wrong as he rarely initiates sex, on average we do it twice a month! The first two years of our relationship we did it almost everyday but I realized that was because I took the bull by the horns. When i realized this I stopped initiating to see what happens, and that was the last time we were active regularly. For the past 5 years I tried talking to him to see if we can't solve this but no luck. I even thought he was gay but I ruled that out. I know he has self esteem problems but I am very sensitive about that and always make him feel good. I have begged, cried, talked calmly and rationally to no vail. I'm so frustrated because I don't wanna spend an



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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 16:03 PM   2
Hopefyllymum
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Sorry about that

I can't spend 5 more years like this. I would never cheat on him and I know he is faithful but I can't spend my life unfulfilled. Ladies what do I do? I even suggested counseling but without success. We even got lucky we got pregnant at the rate this is happening. Please help ladies. I can't take this



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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 16:05 PM   3
whispernikki
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I have the same situation here, I get really upset cause I have to always make that first move, he never initiates that move, I did the same and stopped making that move and got no interest in sex or kissing/ cuddling at all.. The tv was more interesting, it's very frustrating
I spoke to him about it and he says his not very confident in this department, so I think his issue don't help , I may have to get a book to help, I do also wonder if he feels uncomfortable with certain things related to sex ie oral as I don't get it.
Not sure if this helps but I do know where ur coming from, I feels unattractive and i think it's me



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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 16:14 PM   4
painted_pony
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I don't know what situation your husband has in regards to this but I can tell you that I have issues in the sexual department as well. My husband must ALWAYS start our sexual relations. I have been sexually abused in various ways by five different men since I was 12, and i am now 22. From this abuse I no longer have the confidence with men that I need in order to begin an intimate situation. Thankfully, my husband is very understanding about my problems and never pressures me into starting things in bed. He always does. Hes also been very good at trying to build my confidence back up in a supportive way. Plus I'm the submissive partner in bed, my husband always take a very dominant role in those situations. Maybe your husband prefers to be the submissive partner, have you ever asked him what his preference is?



 
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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 16:24 PM   5
luckybreak
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Well since you already tried talking to him perhaps going to a sex therapist might help, get to the root of the problem with him, also it might be his testosterone levels might be off...that goes unnoticed a lot of times in men, check online for low testosterone in men and how it affects them, if you see the signs perhaps that will help you in the right course! good luck!



 
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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 16:25 PM   6
luckybreak
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Quote:
Originally Posted by painted_pony View Post
I don't know what situation your husband has in regards to this but I can tell you that I have issues in the sexual department as well. My husband must ALWAYS start our sexual relations. I have been sexually abused in various ways by five different men since I was 12, and i am now 22. From this abuse I no longer have the confidence with men that I need in order to begin an intimate situation. Thankfully, my husband is very understanding about my problems and never pressures me into starting things in bed. He always does. Hes also been very good at trying to build my confidence back up in a supportive way. Plus I'm the submissive partner in bed, my husband always take a very dominant role in those situations. Maybe your husband prefers to be the submissive partner, have you ever asked him what his preference is?
That's just awful what happened to you and it is understandable why you would act that way, I hope you have seek. Good luck!



 
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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 17:27 PM   7
Sunshine12
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OP do you ever passionately kiss? The reason I ask is that if you dont then it could be that your partner wants to do certain things but doesnt always want it to lead to sex every time so he just avoids any contact at all. If you could get into the situation where you kiss but he knows there is no pressure for it to lead to anything he will become more confident about things and start enjoying kissing first then eventually he will want it to lead to more. It might take time but if you take it one step at a time it could help. I hope this makes sense! x



 
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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 18:19 PM   8
mamaduke
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Hopefyllymum - I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I'm almost always the initiator, and there are times where we get so far and then *nothing*. This frustrated me for a long time, wondering "What have I done wrong? Am I no longer attractive? Why do I feel like such a failure?" There were some times when I wanted to roll over and just cry because of all of this frustration, but I held back my tears. I loved my DH and didn't want him to see the frustration, confusion, and disappointment. However, DH knew something wasn't right and talked with his doctor about our situation. While we don't know exactly what's wrong, we know that there's *something* wrong, as the little blue pill has been a help sometimes.

You may want to talk with him and see if he can talk with his doctor about the situation, to rule out any medical issues.

You aren't alone in this kind of situation. Thanks for posting this to remind us that there are others like us.



 
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Old Dec 27th, 2011, 23:13 PM   9
cisforcaro
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When my OH and I first got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other...but then his confidence started to fade and he initiated less and less. This in turn made me feel like a troll and I stopped initiating because I thought he found me hideous. Turns out it was his own self-esteem and is something he is working on through therapy. Also, when he started taking anti-depressants, they brought his sex drive down majorly. Through our talks I have learned that he prefers me to initiate because then there is no risk of him being rejected and it makes him feel wanted. This works because he communicates with me...but it does take a tremendous effort on my part. Irritating? Yes...but what man isn't?



 
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Old Dec 28th, 2011, 01:07 AM   10
Hopefyllymum
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Thank you ladies for your responses. I know it all goes back to his testosterone levels affecting his confidence in that department. I guess one thing we haven't tried is sex therapy which I will suggest and see how it goes. I also thought maybe he experienced abuse as a child but he denied it and I believe him. All that I know is I can't spend the rest of my life like this. Thank you once again ladies.

All the best with your pregnancies



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