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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:08 PM   1
kittycat12
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I don't know who the father is...


I never ever thought I would be in such a situation. I don't even know where to begin...

First of all, I have NEVER kept up with my cycles. Call me irresponsible, but it is what it is. When I found out I was pregnant, I was in a new relationship with an old love (if that makes sense). Based on my early ultrasound to determine the due date, baby measured to be at 6 weeks, with a due date of May 19, 2012. According to this due date, my LMP would have been on August 13, 2011 and possible dates of conception between Aug 20 and Aug 27.

The very first weekend of August would have been the last time I was with an ex of 2 years.

That being said, I honestly have no recollection of whether I was expecting a period soon, or anything regarding my cycle during this time. My significant other is well aware of all of this, down to the dates. He obviously is torn (as am I) as of whether to stay or go or what.

We are planning on getting a paternity test immediately after the baby is born. He has made it very clear that if the baby is not his, then he wants nothing to do with the baby or me. (Which is understandable I think). We currently live together, and now he wants us to move apart... he says he needs to be able to walk away at anytime. He does however want to remain in a relationship with me until we find out for sure who the father is. Unfortunately, for me this means that I have to not only move out while I am pregnant, but I also have to move in with my father. I have crunched the numbers over and over again, and I just cannot afford a place in a relatively decent neighborhood by myself. I also am scared to death of living all by myself (my family lives in a town about 30 mins away). Also, the lease on my place now is up mid february, just 3 months before the due date. If I sign a new lease now, then find out the baby is his, then I'm going to have to break that lease and find a new place big enough for us all.

I know this is a very twisted and messed up situation... and I really am beyond stressed out thinking about it. If anyone has any advice or stories of their own, it would be more than appreciated!!!!!



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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:16 PM   2
blamesydney
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It sounds to me like the guy you are currently with is only interesting in being with you because you're possibly pregnant with his kid. If he REALLY cared about you as a person, he would stay with you. My boyfriend isn't the father of my baby, and he's perfectly okay with that. I was dating my FOB at the time of conception, and we broke up because we couldn't make our relationship work. My boyfriend is in no way responsible for being a father to my baby (although, he really wishes he was, poor sod, he's as excited as I am!) and the baby's father is very much part of the baby's life, even while we're both dating other people.

So I say, even if it is your current boyfriends baby, tell him to get bent! It's not like you cheated on him and got pregnant (that would be a different situation entirely), he's just being a prick!



 
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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:18 PM   3
Butterfly88
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Honestly the way your ex is acting is a bit much, it's not like you cheated on him you two were not even together and you were with your ex for quite a while! But that could just be the way you typed it. You need to contact the other guy and let him know there is a possibility or he could fain ignorance when the baby comes if the baby is actually proven his. It may be better for you to be single right now, this is a lot of stress to close to the due date, and I think if your family has a stable home that they are willing to share it would be a good choice. Don't feel so bad, accidents happen people don't exactly keep up with dates when it comes to unplanned pregnancy but you do have a baby on the way and you have to think about the baby before any relationship with these guys can be hashed out.



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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:20 PM   4
admiral765
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I have no experience in this but I didn't want to read and run. I am sorry your going through this hun.

Honestly though you have done the right thing in telling the people involved right away and making the decision to get a paternity test straight away, a lot of people don't and that breaks my heart.

The only thing I find wrong in all this is that your ex/current partner shouldn't be with you just because the baby may be his. In my opinion wanting to stay with you until they find out and then leave if the baby isn't his is not fair to you and your feelings or the baby at all! If I were you, as hard as it seems, I would prepare to be a single mum. There are alot out there that cope just fine and as long as you feel the father of the baby will be there for the baby, I really feel its for the best for everyone. It is not fair just to be with someone because of a baby is involved.

How is your relationship with your father?Would you be quite happy to live with him with your baby? When the lease is up I would move in if it is ok.

Take Care honey, I am sure there is alot of support and advice out there for you. xx



 
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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:23 PM   5
xforuiholdonx
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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:25 PM   6
brokenbits
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blamesydney View Post
It sounds to me like the guy you are currently with is only interesting in being with you because you're possibly pregnant with his kid.
Agree with her. Tell him any bloke can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a father, especially to another man's child.
Wanting to be with you ONLY if you're pregnant with his child IS NOT a good basis for a strong, durable relationship.

I'd say let him leave.



 
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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:25 PM   7
petitpas
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I agree, if you didn't create this baby through cheating on your OH then he is being unreasonable.
Either he wants to be with you in which case he will make the baby his own or he doesn't want to be with you.

As for the dates, you should ignore actual period dates and go by the scan dates. Conception would have happened within a few days of the 2 week gestation mark.

Why? Because going by period dates can give you a wrong result. Some women fall pregnant on day 10 of their cycle, others on day 45 or anything in between. The scan assumes a hypothetical period date as 14 days before conception. Whether you really started bleeding on that day or not is irrelevant. The scan shows approx. when you conceived and that's the info you are interested in.



 
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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:25 PM   8
bumpycat
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Given the dates you listed, the chances of the baby not being your current partner's seem quite low to me. However, it seems the decision has been made for you to live apart until the baby is born, so I'm not going to comment on that or any of the emotional aspects of this. Given that, my advice may seem cold but it is an attempt to be pragmatic, and I apologize if it perhaps comes across the wrong way.

What you need to think about now is how to manage until the birth, and how to manage after under the two scenarios: going it alone with a child fathered by your ex, or your partner wants to be part of his child's life. The first is probably the worst case scenario, since there is little chance you will be raising your child in a two parent household, so that's the one you need to use as your financial baseline. I suspect that moving in with your father is probably the best option, as you can work out a low or no rent deal with him while you are on your own, especially while on maternity leave with the reduced pay that implies. You will also need to arrange either privately or through the CSA for child support from your ex if he is the father. You should also consider that your current partner may, after a few months apart, not wish to resume the relationship, and you may need to deal with him for support. Keep it polite, open, and honest with everyone involved - it sounds like you're doing that already, so you're making an excellent start.

It sucks. I'm sorry I don't have better advice.



 
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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:31 PM   9
kittycat12
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Thanks everyone for the quick replies and support!!! I'm new to this forum, and forums in general.

I've been thinking myself, that maybe it is a good idea to prepare to be a single mommy. But aside from moving out, what does that involve exactly? This is my first, I feel like I'm still a child myself sometimes (24years). I have a supportive family, so moving closer to them would def make me feel better. I really DO NOT like the idea of having to ask my dad to move in with him. I have my old childhood bedroom there, and there really is plenty of room. I don't know exactly what I've got myself into as this is my first, but I would just feel so terrible on nights when the baby is non-stop crying and my dad has to listen to that... if that makes sense.



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Old Jan 13th, 2012, 12:33 PM   10
kittycat12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly88 View Post
you have to think about the baby before any relationship with these guys can be hashed out.
That makes alot of sense. Thanks!



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