So I've got a "friend" that I really just don't know how to deal with anymore.

Luckily I don't have to deal with her much at all as she lives far away but a quick list of why I'm upset with someone who has up until the last couple years, been near and dear to my heart since High school.

When she moved away in 2006, every visit home she never saw fit to tell us that she was in town. Her younger SISTER took care of informing us thinking (correctly) that we'd like to see her. We made the effort to drive to her parents house to see her, and did so around her schedule of events she'd planned with the family and friends she had let know she was in town.

When she got pregnant, she never saw fit to tell anyone, she commented today on my FB that she "had some friends who had no clue she was even pregnant until she came home with the baby" -- I was (and still am to some extent) hard pressed to refrain from a nasty remark about how "actually informing people of your happy news is a good cure for that."

When I went to visit her after her baby was born (Over 2500km road trip) I was so appalled by certain things that I saw that I actually DID say something to her and let her know that while I was aware I was overstepping bounds, that "As your friend, this is not what I would have ever wanted for you." (Her lifestyle in general) She somehow concluded from that, I recently learned, that I was jealous?

She will go months without talking to me and I was avoiding making public announcements about my own pregnancy because while I do care about her dearly as a person, I know that her parenting style is VASTLY different from what my own will be like and I know she's the type of person that she'd want to be "super helpful" with a bunch of advice, and I really wouldn't welcome it. She was being rather forward in wanting to "chat" to me so I finally bit the bullet and talked to her one day only to find out she really wanted to make a sales pitch and be condescending at the same time... >.<

Now that I am pregnant, on her most recent trip to town she not only saw fit to inform me but also to demand time with me and "Tadpole" when she gets here... I have successfully avoided that however unfortunately another mutual friend was not so lucky and conveyed some quite frankly horrifying information about the way this woman parents.

Up until now, I've quite gladly overlooked the stuff about her personality that I simply didn't agree with. The friendship that existed was good and nobody is perfect, right? I'm struggling with reconciling the fact that while I still care about her, I REALLY don't know how to approach certain things with her at all. "I don't want to hang out with you because I hate how you raise your child" just doesn't strike me as polite, or proper, and while I'm not really one for worrying about being "Polite or Proper" she is still someone I consider a friend and I'm not really down with being hurtful either.

Maybe some "Already parents" can provide some perspective for me?

The things she was doing when I visited her 2 years ago after her baby was born, (besides dealing with an over controlling husband who was treating her like garbage) was what I figured amounted to overfeeding her baby... she was breastfeeding, formula feeding and while time on here has shown me that there's reasons why women do this sometimes, in the WEEK that I was there, the ONLY time that her son was awake and DIDN'T have a nipple of some kind in his mouth was when she was burping him right before he passed out again. Well, 2 years later apparently she's still overfeeding him... I've seen pics, and I'm sure she and everybody else who is overweight in her family thinks "Aw, what a cute chubby baby!" ....all I can see is the results of the overfeeding. The kid is 2yrs old and was demanding deep fried food for lunch. The fact that a 2 yr old even knows what deep fried food is, is to me astonishing... he apparently was given a coloring book and crayons at the restaurant they went to, and ripped it apart, screamed, threw the crayons at neighboring tables... had enough of a fit that guests at a neighboring table actually moved seats... and through it all she did NOTHING. Her method of dealing with this behavior is apparently to literally put food in his mouth. The poor kid is old enough now that he can talk and apparently she's shoving food in his mouth even though he's telling her "No mommy! No!"

...I get that kids act out. I get that they throw fits, I get that they do so at the most inopportune times, but am I wrong to think that its a parents responsibility (and privilege) to teach children proper socialization skills when out in public??? I see very well behaved children and I see very poorly behaved children when I'm out in public and the fact that well behaved children even EXIST tells me that obviously there ARE ways to teach a young child manners and proper behavior in public settings? I'd like to believe its something that can be taught, or shall all poorly behaved children simply be written off as little shitheads that don't have a hope simply because "That's how they are" so "That's how they always will be" ?

UGH I don't even know what to do. She's picked up that I've made a point of avoiding her this trip she's been in town but apparently she commented that "Soon I'll have a kid so I'll understand and we'll talk plenty then"

Btw if I sound horrible and bitchy by all means just say so lol I won't be offended...

the word lazy springs to mind!! Its as if she is too lazy to spend time with the little guy and thinks that stuffing his face will keep him busy and shut him up! Its terrible and he will probs end up way over weight, be bullied and feel very low when older! Im sorry but i wouldnt call this person a friend, i think the friend that you did have is long gone and there is too much in the way now to get "her" back! Feel really bad for her son x

ive got a theory as to her behaviour with her son but only because u mentioned an over controlling hubby.......it;s possible when people arent around if baby was crying he would scream at her to shut him up and instead of being brave and leaving the asshole she would keep the child quiet by feeding him all the time....which might also explain why when he threw a tantrum instead of dealing with it she shoved food in his mouth.
im not saying its fact i just know my mum had to keep me quiet or she would get a beating and im wondering if this was a way for her to control a situation when she was stressed, scared and had no control in her life.

him screaming "no mommy no" to food being shoved in his mouth just seems like he thinks he is being punished. Am I the only on who thinks that? (sorry I just can't bare for my son to scream "no mommy no".)

I hate when people just cram food as a fix all. We have bedtime issues but my son is more than willing to lay down with me and then put in his bed when he falls asleep. I have come to enjoy the special time as it won't only be him for much longer.

Wow you pretty much hit the nail on the head; her hubby screaming at her to shut him up when the baby was crying was the reason why I got so upset at what I saw when I was visiting her... there was one instance in particular, he was downstairs playing his video game and we were upstairs with the baby and she noticed he'd stopped breathing and had "spit up" / formula puke in both his nostrils... she freaked (understandably so!!) and the first thing he did when his airways were clear again, was cry. (Again, understandably so!) ...the hubby came upstairs and started yelling at her, snatched the baby out of her arms and told her that she "Has to soothe the baby" and that she "can't just let him cry" -- she tried to explain that she was totally fine with him crying for those few moments because at least then she knew he was breathing but hubby had none of it That was the incident where I decided I couldn't stand her OH.


The whole situation just sucks overall. I really don't know how to 'move past' or 'overlook' these other elements to be able to be there for her as a friend..
:\

To me it sounds like the friendship is over. you both have chsnged and just arent coatible anymore.

Its a difficult one because whilst those things would probably annoy me too I dont think its any of your business how she raises her child or what she puts up with in her relationship. I think you should evaluate whether you want to actually be friends with her despite what she does with her personal life and if the answer is no then Id just tell her that you feel that you no longer have anything in common so far as your friendship concerned and Id cut all ties. x

people grow and change hun seems thats what happend hear you both have totally differant views and have grown apart as you have grown older its just one of those things id just forget about her ad move on with your new friends i dont speak with a lot of my school friends anymore there only one of them i speak to regulaly she doesnt live local to me but we still egt on really well when we do get to meet up but all the others i just dont talk to them anymore

That's sort of where the dilemma comes in, I'd love to be friends with her if her personal life wasn't going to come into it unfortunately she's not that kind of person. She'd mean well but ultimately anything she had to say on parenting or relationships really wouldn't be well received... I don't know how to let her know I'm cutting ties without horribly offending her which bothers me because I don't -want- to hurt her.

Thanks for at least letting me vent ladies

Mmmmm difficult. If you would rather not confront it straight away maybe just start ignoring her texts and if she wants to meet say you are busy. I reckon she will get the hint eventually and if she does and comes out and asks you you can just say you dont feel you have the same values and beliefs and you think it best that you dont see each other very often. x