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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 08:01 AM   1
Ghost
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Should I write a will or my wishes?long post, lots of babbling please reply.


I'm still living at home and unemployed but next year when our lo is born my partner said he will sell his home so we can move into one together. He said he will put my name on the mortgage but that it would still be his house to him as i won't be able to pay bills. Ill be receiving certain benefits but they will need to go straight on lo. He's also mentioned to me about his fear that should we ever split I would want half his home, or even a percentage. I understand where his fears are as he purchased his current home himself through money he got in a will. And to be honest I really don't care about any money, I know my parents would support me. However should it ever happen , ill be unemployed and single and I need to have money to support our little one, and that is all I care about( its not like I have said since my money will be on lo that he is all mine, he's our child).

I'm not sure whether it is through this concern of his or due to him feeling unwell in himself a lot lately , but he's started on planning writing a will. When I asked him about it the other day he told me he hadn't planned on including me. His mother would be the main beneficiary, as she has had financially issues lately. Though I must add this is because she currently has a 300,000 house and cannot afford the bills as she's recently divorced and unemployed- she's a older woman attempting to get a job in a reception despite being out of work for several years but won't consider cleaning jobs or jobs like McDonald's as they are below her. The thing that offended me in te will is not that I would not be included financially but because he plans on putting his mother as a trustee for any money for our little one. I realise it is because he is his mother and he feels she is trustworthy but I had negative experiences with my grandmother who was not happy giving me money which had been entrusted to her for me. Also because I am hurt my partner doesn't realise I could care less about money even if we split up, I would honor his wishes and my main priority would be our child.

Whilst I would not generally consider writing a will or wishes down as I own no equity or property , is it worth writing my own wishes/will in regards to our child?. He's not born yet but my mother had issues in later pregnancy and nearly died giving birth to me and it scares me what will happen to my child should I die early. I trust my partner but he is very much influenced by his mothers opinions, and her opinions on rearing a child varies differently to my own. My partner was locked in his room for example as a young child so he wouldn't wander, and she has already told me several times she beleived babies from birth should be in seperate rooms , and left to cry. I understand this is just a different child rearing theory but not something I myself agree with as I beleive babies especially newborns need comforting. She also beleives in being strict and certain ways of disciplining children.

Should anything happen to me I would fel more comfortable with my parents having primary care of my child. My partner works so he wouldn't be there all day and it would be left to his mother. And I wouldn't trust that his mother wouldn't cause issues between him and my parents. My parents on the contrary would care only for the welfare of the child and have raised several children , their own and foster children, and have the same values and opinions on raising children and discipline.

Is it worth writing my will or wishes?. And I hate to ask as it makes me seem like I don't love my partner or trust him, but are there ways of making sure if I do die early my parents can be guardians?.

Thanks sorry for the babbling, just something that's started worrying me.



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 08:12 AM   2
wemustntpanic
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wow you poor thing! Not to be too harsh but it sounds like your partner really has some trust issues... I can sort of understand his fears of losing his house if you were to split up but surely if he were to die (god forbid) then he would want you to remain the primary carer of his child and therefore would like to be able to provide you with a home to do this in...

It seems all a bit strange to me and if I was you I would probably want to make a will with regards the care of my child seeing as you can't really be sure otherwise how it might turn out. Not to start a tit for tat war but you might find as well, that making your own will might make him realise that he's being a bit odd in where he places his own trusts.



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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 08:15 AM   3
Little Ducky
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So basically, should your partner die, he doesn't trust you enough to leave you in the care of any equity he wishes to leave behind for the child that you and he have parented... and if you die, you don't trust your partner enough to leave that very same child in his care whatsoever? Not forgetting that neither of you plan to leave anything to each other, should the worst occur.

Sorry, but if it were me in your shoes, I would be questioning why on earth the relationship is still going...



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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 08:23 AM   4
pinkstarbinks
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I feel sorry for you! what a weird thought process he's been brainwashed into x



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 13:24 PM   5
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I know it's a really bizzare Idea and to be honest this is why i'm being extra hesitant aswel. But i do know he has a bad history when it comes to relationships and his father basically cheated on his mother and did exactly what he fears I will do so I can understand where hes worried. But that being said I repeatedly say to him unless he trusts me we aren't going to work.



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 13:28 PM   6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Ducky View Post
So basically, should your partner die, he doesn't trust you enough to leave you in the care of any equity he wishes to leave behind for the child that you and he have parented... and if you die, you don't trust your partner enough to leave that very same child in his care whatsoever? Not forgetting that neither of you plan to leave anything to each other, should the worst occur.

Sorry, but if it were me in your shoes, I would be questioning why on earth the relationship is still going...
You seem to have gotten me confused. I would like him to have co custody with my parents should the worst happen. That is only because I worry about his mother's input in regards to my parents seeing him and because my partner works full time. I don't beleive he trusts me to leave any equity to me, until we are married at least. However i think alot of it is he feels he has to look after his mother which is understandable as its been mainly them two since his dad did a runner. However she'd be better off than the rest of us if she just got off her high horse and accepted a smaller house or a "lower"- In her eyes- job.

I realise we have a Bizzare way of going about things but the reason we are still together is that we love each other . We both have really bad relationship history and early on in the relationship I broke his trust but I've tried everything including surrendering up my trust issues . I just wish he'd do the same. His mother suggests these things to him that makes him think because we aren't married he won't have any rights etc , and he loves her enough that he trusts her more than me .



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 13:31 PM   7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wemustntpanic View Post
wow you poor thing! Not to be too harsh but it sounds like your partner really has some trust issues... I can sort of understand his fears of losing his house if you were to split up but surely if he were to die (god forbid) then he would want you to remain the primary carer of his child and therefore would like to be able to provide you with a home to do this in...
See I agree. I don't want his home for my benefit I just feel if the worst were to happen and lets say three years down the line , if we didn't get married, me and his baby would have to uproot everything LO would know because he didnt trust me.



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 13:44 PM   8
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If we could afford it I would suggest counselling but we can't and he doesn't like discussing our relationship with anyone else.



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 14:05 PM   9
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Wow. Well, I think that if you (God-forbid) died...I think that the father of your baby would get custody. I'm not sure, but I don't think that you would even (legally) be able to make it so that your mom and him had custody. Are you going to put him on the birth certificate as the father? You don't have to. That may be the only way to go unfortunately.

That's kind of awful of him to not leave you money to take care of your baby. Might I ask...you said that you did something to break his trust in you. Was it something financial?



 
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Old Mar 25th, 2013, 14:57 PM   10
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I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't be able to stop him getting full custody of your child if you were to die, and as he'd have full custody it would be his decision as to how LO was raised and who looked after him when your OH worked etc. But you could definitely write down your wishes so that if something did happen to you your OH would know how you hope LO would be raised. It wouldn't be a legal document but hopefully your OH would honour your wishes.



 
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