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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 05:09 AM   1
MyFavSurprise
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Worried about bonding..? (worried ranty thread)


Its going on 2am and I'm in the bath with a cup of tea just trying to relax. I'm having so much trouble sleeping lately and I think my fear of labor and everything this time is centered around bonding with this little boy.. with ds2 he was whisked off to the NICU right after birth as he wasn't breathing correctly and it left me in a room with some family members, shaking from the adrenaline, trying to act like I was all good for their sake, not focusing on the fact that I just had a baby and he's not breathing right... I never really dealt with being afraid that something was wrong with him, instead when I saw his picture he just didn't feel like my baby... when they finally stopped the slow hemorrhaging I had and I got to go see him he didn't feel like mine.. I didn't even change any diapers for the first few days..it sounds weird to focus on but I never even saw the meconium diapers, I should have been the one changing those.. it all affected me more than I realized.

He wasn't there long (the first nicu trip) but when he came up to the room I had to share him with other family, and I just never felt I got the time to really study him and connect with him and even now, as much as I love him... it is different.. I am so afraid of that happening this time.. for weeks I just wanted to hold him and be alone with him and cry, and I had some ppd and it was just so hard :/.

This time we've told everyone no visiting and they can meet him when we're home and well.. I am definitely glad we are doing that... with ds1 it was all so easy, instant bonding, everyone came, everyone held him, easy baby easy everything.. ds2 I'm still struggling with and it hurts to admit it... before I got pregnant this time, I just knew that this baby was meant to be in our lives, I could feel it and I cried every day because I knew we needed him...it sounds nuts but I felt it, and we concieved first try this time, something told me this baby will complete our family until we are ready to have more kids down the road.. but now that he is almost due I am scared! I want to meet him but I'm afraid of doing that all over again.

Has anyone else experienced that? Do you have any tips? I am terrified of the labor because it brings me closer to that moment.. I really don't know how to get past that. I feel like I NEED that instant bond with this little boy.. so badly. I know ds2 and I will get there, we already are.. it's really no different now, I just feel like I missed something in the beginning. He is amazing and I love him so much, I can't see my life without him, he is such a character. My husband is usually who I talk to about things but he doesn't get it, he just says it will all be okay and he will be there for me.. but selfishly that doesn't make me feel any better because, what if it's not?



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 06:27 AM   2
Xpecta
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I don't have any advice or words of encouragement. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I hope you get a better outcome this time!!



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 10:31 AM   3
MyFavSurprise
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Thank you I really appreciate that... I was up until 3:30 am thinking and thinking about it last night, omg I need sleep lol.. but I feel like writing it all out really helped. I was able to get past the fear and imagine his little face, and holding him, and his newborn cry, and I am seeing him as the brand new baby that we can't wait for instead of the fear that I cant get past.. I can't wait to meet him and I think I am finally ready to face another labor, for him

I am trying to focus instead on what if everything goes right, I have the chance again to focus on our bond and bring a new baby into our lives and I am excited... seems crazy late to finally come to terms, but for weeks I've been freaking out inside and I am just happy that I could get past it before he decided to arrive



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 10:37 AM   4
OnErth&InHvn
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DD1 was whisked to the NICU and was a c-sect... so when i was in labor with DD2 ( no NICU and a VBA2C) i was freaking out! She was fine though. ( her health issues didnt start until later)



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 10:41 AM   5
misspriss
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I had a traumatic birth with DS, EMCS after 36 hours of induced labor at 33 weeks. He was rushed off the NICU and I didn't see him for 27 hours, my husband and my sister got to go visit him before me. I was treated for my pre-e for 24 hours after the birth so I couldn't leave the bed and couldn't see him. He was in the NICU for 18 days. I wouldn't say I struggled to bond with him, but I felt like I was in shock, like I wasn't feeling any emotions, bonding or anything. I think that I did have some PTSD from his birth, I had difficulty celebrating his birthdays and other things, because they were reminders of my birth experience to me instead of celebrations of his life, which is sad in hindsight.

Everything changed with the birth of my daughter. I had to be induced for BP (with my history of pre-e) but at full term. The labor was long and painful, yes - but I got a successful VBAC with immediate skin-to-skin. It was amazing. Not only was it amazing and empowering, but it completely cured all of the negativity and anxiety and awful feelings from my first birth experience now. It was very healing.

I suffer from anxiety normally, but I suffered from some pretty acute severe anxiety for the last 7 weeks of my second pregnancy because of my fears from the first birth.



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 18:22 PM   6
LulaBug
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You know what? The fact you're already worrying shows how much you care already. I wasn't able to bond with Ethan when he was born. I planned the birth to the finest detail and was disappointed it didn't go the way I thought, delivery wise. I wasn't the first port of contact and I was so drained from 55 hours of labor, I was scared to hold him in case I dropped him. Then I felt out of my depth through the night when I was on my own with him. I couldn't get him to feed from me. Everything felt hard. My bonding issues with Ethan scared me into next week when I fell pregnant with Max. When he was born, although it was a long labor again and another case of where I wasn't first to hold him, I don't know...something clicked somewhere and we have a great bond to this day and it's strengthened my bond with Ethan too.
I have the same worries for this baby about bonding, partly because she's a new baby and also being my first girl, she's a whole different world and because people say girls are different from boys, I'm like ok....what does that mean? Lol

I'm sure you'll be fine. You're doing the right thing by accepting no visitors until you're ready. This is your family time don't be hard on yourself. He's your baby and I'm sure things will click. The fact you're worrying rather than sort of burying your head in the sand speaks volumes about your bond for Zephyr. It's there already, more than you know



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 23:03 PM   7
Xpecta
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyFavSurprise View Post
Thank you I really appreciate that... I was up until 3:30 am thinking and thinking about it last night, omg I need sleep lol.. but I feel like writing it all out really helped. I was able to get past the fear and imagine his little face, and holding him, and his newborn cry, and I am seeing him as the brand new baby that we can't wait for instead of the fear that I cant get past.. I can't wait to meet him and I think I am finally ready to face another labor, for him

I am trying to focus instead on what if everything goes right, I have the chance again to focus on our bond and bring a new baby into our lives and I am excited... seems crazy late to finally come to terms, but for weeks I've been freaking out inside and I am just happy that I could get past it before he decided to arrive
Oh boy. I can feel the change in your writing. I'm so glad that you feel more relaxed. Especially going into this!! That's wonderful!!



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 23:11 PM   8
MyFavSurprise
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Thank you all so much for sharing your difficult experiences with me... you have all given me hope that this time can be entirely different and that what I am feeling is normal It really makes me feel so much better and not so scared, I am looking forward to his birth for the first time, I can't thank you all enough



 
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Old Mar 20th, 2017, 23:47 PM   9
broodymrs
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Just thought I'd share my story too. Ds1 was emcs after 3 day labour, failed induction. Quite a traumatic labour. I was so out of it on various drugs by the time he arrived I didn't hold him. They tried to do skin to skin and I physically couldn't do it so they just lay him next to me. I didn't feel an instant bond at all although being my first I'm kind of glad I didn't know what to expect so I didn't think there was anything wrong. Over time our bond grew and we are very close now, realistically it didn't take long to bond once we were home. This time I had a planned section and it was an amazing experience. I had a natural section so immediate skin to skin, delayed cord clamping etc. I felt instantly bonded and it was absolutely incredible. So my tip would be control what you can, and let go of what you can't. It sounds like you had a scary experience before, hopefully this time is more straight forward for you



 
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Old Mar 21st, 2017, 21:12 PM   10
MrsMinx
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I imagine you're quite anxious as your due date arrives and that's quite normal.

Each child's delivery is different and special and each relationship likewise is different.

But focus on relaxing and having a safe and healthy delivery. That's all you can do.

Continue to give selflessly to both of your children, guide them, pray with and for them and instill good value and principlels. Continue to show unconditional love.
As they grow, so too will your relationship with them. God Bless.



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