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Old May 7th, 2017, 09:16 AM   11
ALiKO
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I am not saying if you are not married to your partner they are any less of a partner, but if you are unsure if he'll be around why live with limitations. I have a cousin who has gone through this very situation. She was with her baby's father for years even though things were constantly on and off but the minute she became pregnant she thought everything was going to finally come together as he was "there for her" and seemed involved in the pregnancy.

In the beginning she was contemplating the same thing if the baby should have his last name but since she thought everything was going to be ok she went along and hyphenated the last name and put him on the birth certificate. Well shortly after the baby was born they had a fall out and broke up and she became the sole provider for their baby with him making occasional visits. About 2 years later he had already moved on but as soon as my cousin started seeing someone else that's when he started to make her life a living h3ll. Taking her to court and meditations every 5 minutes, opening up a case with CPS (child protective services) trying to say she was an unfit mother in attempts to get sole custody (of course baby stayed with my cousin as she is a great mom), and he even denied to co-sign on the baby's passport when my cousin wanted to go on a family vacation to Australia with her new fiancÚ.

I also know someone who didn't put the baby's dad and she can move around freely etc. anyways this is my last comment on this. My advice doesn't come from a malicious place I just get passionate when I hear things like this as I feel so bad for women in these positions, so I apologize to you Pretty if I've hurt or offended you. Not only that but this stuff is not permenant, names can be changed birth records amended, etc. At the end of the day it's your decision to make. Maybe consult a lawyer. But hey I don't know you or your situation after all we are all just random people on the internet right? Good luck



 
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Old May 7th, 2017, 09:34 AM   12
DobbyForever
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ALiKO View Post
I am not saying if you are not married to your partner they are any less of a partner, but if you are unsure if he'll be around why live with limitations. I have a cousin who has gone through this very situation. She was with her baby's father for years even though things were constantly on and off but the minute she became pregnant she thought everything was going to finally come together as he was "there for her" and seemed involved in the pregnancy.

In the beginning she was contemplating the same thing if the baby should have his last name but since she thought everything was going to be ok she went along and hyphenated the last name and put him on the birth certificate. Well shortly after the baby was born they had a fall out and broke up and she became the sole provider for their baby with him making occasional visits. About 2 years later he had already moved on but as soon as my cousin started seeing someone else that's when he started to make her life a living h3ll. Taking her to court and meditations every 5 minutes, opening up a case with CPS (child protective services) trying to say she was an unfit mother in attempts to get sole custody (of course baby stayed with my cousin as she is a great mom), and he even denied to co-sign on the baby's passport when my cousin wanted to go on a family vacation to Australia with her new fiancÚ.

I also know someone who didn't put the baby's dad and she can move around freely etc. anyways this is my last comment on this. My advice doesn't come from a malicious place I just get passionate when I hear things like this as I feel so bad for women in these positions, so I apologize to you Pretty if I've hurt or offended you. Not only that but this stuff is not permenant, names can be changed birth records amended, etc. At the end of the day it's your decision to make. Maybe consult a lawyer. But hey I don't know you or your situation after all we are all just random people on the internet right? Good luck
But I'm saying the second case where she can do what she wants it's because the father doesn't care. If he cared, his lawyer could use the exclusion to both up his custody and lower his child support on the basis that she prevented him from being the father he wanted to be, thereby hurting the child and him. I'm not making this up. Like I said, my stepdad has been doing this for 40 years and has been the attorney to use that successfully against the mother.

A simple paternity test will prove he's the father. So regardless of birth certificate or paperwork, guy #1 can easily file a paternity suit AT THE MOTHER'S EXPENSE then file to have the birth certificate amended ALSO AT THE MOTHER'S EXPENSE. And then battle her for parental rights. So honestly if you're worried about that, it boils down to the guy any way and he could at any point between pregnancy and 18 years change his mind and be an a*. Granted, the longer he waits the less ground he has in court for custody.

I don't think Pretty is worried about the certificate, just the last name. But I don't want this advice floating around without all the facts. My stepdad sat me down when SO bailed from 12-16 weeks and walked me through how my case would play out in court/ how he was going to represent me.

But back to last names. Do what is comfortable for you. .



 
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Old May 7th, 2017, 15:55 PM   13
Tanikins
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I don't see how being married to the man means they won't bail out in 5 years. There is zero guarantees about the future at all. Regardless of how the situation is now.

My only comment would be how would you feel if you give his surname and he was daddy's say a year and then bailed completely. Are you happy to raise a child with that surname for the rest of your life? My kids have there dad's surname (actually changed mine by deedpoll) and I'm fine with that. Even if he was to bail



 
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Old May 7th, 2017, 16:01 PM   14
JenzyKY
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I, personally, would always give my child my last name. I'm married so it is my husband's as well. If I wasn't, the child would have mine.



 
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Old May 7th, 2017, 18:54 PM   15
PrettyInInk42
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Personally, I'm not trying to be malicious. I doubt that my baby daddy will cut and run, but there is always that possibility. I'm ok with his name on the birth certificate, but I would really prefer the baby has my name. It would be nice if this convo (with him) turns into a convo about our relationship, but the last reason I'd want him to consider marrying me was cuz we have a kid together.

Question for all the married women though: I've heard when considering marriage, you shouldn't try imagining what your life would be like WITH the person, but what your life would be like WITHOUT that person. And if you can't imagine being without them, go for it. True?



 
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Old May 7th, 2017, 22:12 PM   16
DobbyForever
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I heard that. I'm a imagine life with that person and see if you like it, but I've always been about the end result. I'm also cynical and can imagine life without just about anybody lol. And sometimes that level of neediness, for lack of better wording, isn't always healthy. Just because you can't live without someone doesn't mean you should live with them. But that could be my abused/victim mentality.

Ii hope that the Convo leads to a commitment talk



 
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Old May 8th, 2017, 12:30 PM   17
psychochick
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The marriage question, I would not say imagining life without them is the right question to answer. It can easily be confused with fear of change. i remember when I was in a bad relationship, I couldn't see a way out either because we had been together so long. There were many things I wanted to do with him but he didn't share my vision. So it was not to last.

Now with DH I am happy but I also know that I would find a way to be happy without him. It wouldn't be the same of course and he gives me no reason to even want to imagine life without him.



 
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Old May 8th, 2017, 15:02 PM   18
LoveCakes
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In this situation I'd give the baby your last name. If nothing else it will be a nightmare explaining to schools and travelling on different names etc... but it's your name and you're the main carer. If things change down the line then so can the name.

I would also put the name on the birth certificate; he is the father. Imagine explaining to your child you kept their father off the birth certificate just in case he ended up an arse. Also as pp said a paternity test would quickly resolve it anyway. I imagine it would be deeply hurtful to the baby's father to be omitted especially as he has been so on board with the pregnancy so far. If he changes his approach down the line excluding him now will probably look worse anyway. Do what you think is in the child's best interest.



 
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Old May 10th, 2017, 11:23 AM   19
minties
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I'm gonna sound blunt, but it's 3:21am. If he's just a fuck buddy, then no, I wouldn't give baby his last name.

Our kids have their dads last name, we aren't married, we've been tether since were were teenagers (15.5 years) and to be frank, his last name is nicer than mine. If he was just a friend with benefits or we didn't live together then I probably would have given the babies my last name.



 
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Old May 10th, 2017, 14:38 PM   20
Orglethorp
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If you're concerned about his feelings in the situation, then it's time to have a discussion with him about your future together as a couple and as parents. If you don't even want to consider any of that right now, and just give the baby your name, though, go for it.

Even if you were married, you would actually still have a choice. I didn't realize this until someone made a comment at a family gathering when we were speculating how my cousin's daughter doesn't have her father's name, yet he never agreed to a legal name change. I was recalling how I randomly had the girl in one of my classes when I was a high school student volunteering with a primary summer school program, and I found out then that she was registered under her mother's name. Her parents had been married when she was born, were only recently separated at the time, and her father was fighting for custody. Yet here she was, in a situation where the name on your birth certificate must be used (school registration) with her mother's name. When we were reflecting on this, my grandmother decided the girl's mother must have recorded her maiden name on the birth certificate right from the get-go and just never told my cousin (the father).



 
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