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Old May 5th, 2017, 18:08 PM   1
PrettyInInk42
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Whose last name should the baby get?


So, here's the situation: I've been "with" the father of my baby for like 9 and a half years. He's never asked me out though, and I don't foresee that happening right now. This pregnancy was not planned and he had always said he didn't want kids, but he took the news really well and is definitely stepping up to his responsibilities. I always envisioned being a single parent, so I'd get to pick my kids' names and they'd get my last name. But now that I have another person's opinion to consider, I'm probably gonna have to compromise on the name I like and we have to decide which last name to go with.

I'm feeling like it'll probably be easier to give the baby my last name. I mean, if we were married, or in a very committed relationship, then it'd be like we're on the same team and I could see giving the baby his name. But, as it stands, I've "done all the work", so why does he get to swoop in and put his name on the child I carried? Also, he has 2 male cousins with the same (fairly common) last name. Whereas I have one sister and if none of our kids get our last name, then it'll just dies out.

Now, if he'd like to make an honest woman out of me one day, then I could see myself changing mine and my kids' last names to his, but I'll only cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

And hyphenating the names is not an option: he doesn't like hyphenated names and his name would still end up being the last name in that scenario.

Any thoughts?



 
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Old May 5th, 2017, 19:17 PM   2
DobbyForever
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Honestly I think I told you but I forgot, without a commitment this is your baby. Make your choice. It sounds like you want baby to have your last name, and I know plenty of ladies who do that. It's not my personal choice, but everything about pregnancy is so personal that what works for me might not suit you.

I'd bring it up and guage where he is at. Who knows, he might totally understand. Or maybe it'd be a great start into a more serious conversation about your relationship. Worst case, he pouts and gets butt hurt a while lol



 
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Old May 5th, 2017, 19:25 PM   3
xdxxtx
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When my OH and I decided we'd get married (6 1/2 years ago), I said straight up that I was keeping MY last name and that if we were to have kids, they'd get my last name, too, because I'm not going to have a last name that differs from that of the children I carried. (I wanted to keep my last name anyway, but I really, really, really hate my OH's "maiden" name, Hunter (and I'm an animal lover, lol), so that made it easy for me to choose.) Regardless, that was my decision, and if I was going to carry a baby and then push it out (or worse, have someone cut it out), I wasn't going to budge on this decision.

I don't mean to sound like a complete arse because I wasn't willing to hear anyone else's opinion on the matter, but that's what I wanted, and yes, I felt like I was going to do all the work, and I was NOT going to have a name that differed from my kids' because of some stupid tradition.

I was probably a lot nicer about it to my OH as I am being right now, since I'm being so point blank, but our whole relationship was hanging in the balance because of this stupid issue. OH came to me about a week later and asked to take my last name. So now my OH, my children and I all share the last name I was born with. And we're all very happy with that decision.

I'd advise you do what YOU want, but of course take your co-parent's feelings into consideration (maybe). At LEAST let him in on the idea, which it sounds like you already have done.



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 02:12 AM   4
6lilpigs
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Sounds like a good idea to give him your last name, maybe babies dad could pick his middle name?



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 03:53 AM   5
SonnyH
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I'm not married to my OH but we are in a committed, happy relationship of 4 years, we own a house together etc., so for me, no question that baby was getting dads last name. I really hate the idea of having a different surname to my baby but we do both want to get married in the future, so it'll change eventually.

My very unusual surname dies out with me & my cousin. But I won't be that sad to loose it, I've spent my life having to spell it out for people!

It sounds like you have quite a different relationship to me. If you are not really 'together' it's more complicated I imagine. That said, it does take two to make a baby and the child is half his. I know we carry these little ones but I hate this attitude of a child 'being mine'. No, they are half mine. Half dads. I just happen to be the one who can get pregnant. My OH is just as excited as me and I'm quite positive will love baby as much as me. If dad is showing little/no interest or commitment etc, then it's obviously different. They don't get to pick & choose when they care. But if he has, I feel he should at least be able to discuss his opinion on surname with you..? Maybe you have? If he's happy with your surname, then def go for it!



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 16:50 PM   6
ALiKO
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I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 17:36 PM   7
Mummafrog
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Your last name all the way in this case. If you do become very committed/married somewhere down the line and have more kids etc, the last names can always be changed so you all have the same. But as it stands you aren't sure how it's going to be or how he's going to manage so it seems the best option x besides kids don't have to take dad's name, that's just the tradition. You're going to be the main carer in your home xx



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 17:46 PM   8
loeylo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ALiKO View Post
I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.
This rubbed me up the wrong way if I'm honest.

My child is 18 months, I have been with her dad since 2010. Our first baby (who we lost) was conceived after 1 month together when we were technically not a couple, didn't live together etc, but the baby wasn't all my baby and my partner had the same rights to spend time with my baby as I did, men are just as much a parent as women are, whether they choose to marry the mother of their baby or not. Is my partner any less of a father since we are not married?

To the op, I'd suggest you need to initiate a discussion to find out whether this will be an ongoing relationship or not. The response to this question depends on my next steps.

If he wants to be involved in the child but not you, then I'd hypehenate the last names so you are both represented, since you are both involved and raising the child.

If he wants to not be involved with either of you, then use your own name.

If he wants to be involved with both of you, then I think the decision to name your child belongs to both of you.



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 17:57 PM   9
DobbyForever
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ALiKO View Post
I would give the baby my last name and even go a step further and not include the father on the birth certificate. I know this may sound extreme but if you want full parental custody and rights over the child you carried for 9 months and not having to deal with the bull-ish with a partner who you guys aren't fully committed to one another, having a child thrown in the mix can make matters worse especially if the other person wants to be spiteful.

They can battle you over custody agreements, dictate where you live and move to, prevent you from leaving the country with your child whether it be you wanting to go on a vacation, work obligations, etc by not co-signing for a passport. You always have to consider the other parent even when making decisions concerning your own life if the other parent doesn't consider it in the best interest of the child and just so much drama.

--
I do agree it's been hard going from this is MY child/single mom mentality to sharing. It really hurts my SO when I say my son instead of our son. It's easy to forget that men don't have a choice about carrying or breastfeeding the child. So while we put in more work physically, the baby is still equally theirs.

But I stand by talk to him about it, but if you feel adamant about keeping your name and having baby take your name that's totally up to you. Like you said, it can always be changed later. I'm sorry this is still stressing you out

Until he makes the proper moves and commits and put a ring on it I will assure that the child is all mine for now as things can always change in the future. Good luck sweetie.
I don't know how to phrase this subtly but this is terrible advice. It can be used AGAINST the mother in custody and child support cases. My stepdad is a family law attorney of over 40 years. It works if the guy wants nothing to do with the kid any way, but if he wants to be involved and is willing to take you to court for it then this definitely works in his favor.



 
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Old May 6th, 2017, 18:50 PM   10
psychochick
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DS has my last name since my parents don't have a grandchild and DH's parents already have two. It's a pretty good reason and everyone's fine with it here so if that's your consideration it's a valid one.

I don't think the child should always get the father's name without any discussion. It's an outdated tradition and I see it changing now. I think if I were in your shoes, the only reason I'd give him the father's name would be if it's actually important to the father AND if I believe that doing so would allow the father to feel more bonded with the baby. If so then it may be a nice connection between father and baby.



 
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