Feeling a rant coming on...can't shake MILs comments
Sorry ladies, this may be a bit long and possibly very uninteresting but I feel this is the only place I can rant about this as I know some of you guys will know full well how I am feeling!
I think my OH's mum is getting a bit too obsessed with having time with our baby. Either that or I am starting to get keenly protective over my baby before he or she is even out of the womb! She's always making comments about taking the baby off my hands and wanting to put in lots of babysitting hours. Which is great, and I'm not complaining about having an enthusiastic babysitter on hand when I do feel I want to go out without LO. It's just that yesterday we were round there for dinner and she'd had a bit to drink and the comments seemed to increase quite dramatically to the point where she was suggesting activities for me and OH to go out and do so that she could have LO.
OH's younger brother said he wanted to see a film, so she was saying 'Oh great, you and OH can take him to the film, and I'll take this one' (pointing at my bump). She also did the pointing at the bump thing and saying she'd 'take' my baby while I went Christmas shopping, and when I said I hate the shops at Christmas and will be doing it all online she was like 'damn it' and seemed genuinely disappointed. It's hard to explain because it all sounds really nice and normal when I put it in writing, but it was just the way she kept on about taking my baby that really got to me. I don't like the thought of anyone 'taking' my baby, and I will not be doing so until I am happy with our routine and leaving LO, and then it will be on my terms, not because I've been forced to go out christmas shopping because someone is dying to have time with my child.
I haven't even had the baby yet and the thought of anyone trying to make plans involving my child that excludes me just really gets to me. I've been thinking about her comments all day and just can't shake them. I think for some reason she's worried that she won't be a big part of the babies life, even though I've made it clear that I'm happy for her to step in and look after LO if I need some help/time off or to go and do something. She's also obsessed that OH is not going to call her first with the birth announcement (to be fair, we probably will call my mum first but she doesn't need to know that!) and OHs Dad even made a remark to me yesterday about her being desparate to take the baby off my hands...it's just all a little strange.
I know it sounds dramatic, but it really makes me feel like the minute I have this baby, she's going to be breaking down the hopsital doors to come and take the baby. She was saying how she and her sister are planning a dawn raid on the hopsital if the baby arrives when her sister is visiting - I've never even met this woman before! I've told OH that under no circumstances is he to invite anyone to the hospital unless I've given the go ahead so not too concerned about this actually happening, but i would appreciate everyone giving me a bit of space and privacy after I've just given birth! My mum mentioned ages ago that MIL had said something weird to her about needing to draw up a rota to make sure neither of them spent more time with the baby than the other, I laughed when mum told me this and said she was obviously joking, but now I'm thinking maybe not?!
Part of me wants to tell her to eff off, but I won't bring it up with her because I can always fob her off with excuses if she starts getting too demanding, and for another thing she's been extremely helpful with provding things for the baby and I don't want to be rude. Just thought she would be a bit more understanding and respectful of a first time mother wanting her own space with her baby, she has had four kids after all! It's making me depressed about christmas as well because I think I'm going to have a fight on my hands as I'd so much rather go to my mums than to OH's for christmas but judging by all this I doubt that will go down too well at all!
I'm just so irritable at the moment as it is, I think my hormones have taken the end of pregnancy dip, that all of this really isn't helping. I've come to the conclusion that there really is nothing good you can say to a pregnant woman! If you made it to the end of this rant, thank you for listening, I feel a bit better now that I've written it all out.
awww hun i know its probably hard to have such an over bearin mil... but she's probably jus over excited.
i don't think u'll actually need to say anythin to her because once the lo is here nd u settle into a routine, she'll soon realise that its not gonna work out in real life the way it does in her head... nd then if she has a problem with it she'll have to discuss it with u nd u can tell her straight.
my mum is also slightly paranoid that she's not gonna get as much grandparent time as my dad nd step mum... i thought it was quite sweet but i jus told her straight that in the grand scheme of things it didn't really matter.
i know you dont know me and im new here but i think i may be able to help....
my MIL was doing the same before my daughter was born and I started to fee as though she thought I wanted to cut her out of my baby's life... for the first few weeks of my daughters life she was a nightmare!!
She invited herself into the birthing room and stayed for the delivery despite me saying all along that i wanted my hubby and MY mum there... then she came to the hospital the next day and stayed ALLLL day, and the next day too, she called at 10am on the dot every day for about 4 weeks just 'checking' how the baby was... when we saw her she told me i mustn't tickle my own baby because she 'might get shocked and die', I couldnt pat her bottom whilst she was on my shoulder because 'it can cause meningitis' etc etc, everytime we saw her she was asking when she could babysit and when i had appointments with midwives/health visitors she was offering to look after her whilst i went (even though my daughter was the one with the appointment not me!) she even showed up to her first swimming lesson despite me telling her that nobody was allowed to come in and watch....
You're going to need patience, and a lot of it, but please dont let ANYONE tell you when you should be ready to leave your child. my daughter is now nearly 9months old and i have only been apart from her from one day as i had a tummy bug, i'm nowhere near ready to leave her yet and I made it quite clear to my mil when Naomi turned about 2 months that i will decide when i feel ready to leave her and that she can offer all she likes, when im ready i'll ask. yes i felt rude and ungrateful telling her that, but she has since backed off and it's only affected our relationship in a positive way...
Glad you feel better after getting it all out.... and I can totally understand how you feel. One good thing for you -- she hasn't insisted on being there during the delivery like mine has ... I've had to tactfully explain.. "Sorry, but.... no, you are NOT going to be there for the delivery; however, we will contact you as soon as she is born... I promise."
I've had the same situation happen to me and after taking a bit of a break from her and really trying hard to be objective, I've come to the conclusion that my MIL misses that newborn part of her life so much that she wants to re-live it a bit with my LO (your MIL had 4 children, so did mine..). I've looked back on conversations and many times she has mentioned 'how fast it all went'..'wow, they grow up so fast'... 'i wish i could have enjoyed it more'.. etc. etc... so I guess in a round a'bout way, this is going to be her stepping back in time and for a few minutes (or hours), this baby (although her grandchild) will be kind of like her own... if that makes any sense... I did feel empathetic. It really made her comments a bit easier to swallow after I came to this conclusion, and now it doesn't bother me as much -- and honestly, as soon as Madelyn starts to get fussy, needing to be nursed, she'll be passing her right back to me.
Hang in there.. and remember.. you can always escape to your home and just not answer the door..
My OH's Mom passed years before I met him, but if I imagine myself in your situation... I'd probably let her have her time with you there, and be consistantly insistant that you are not ready to leave baby... I mean thats honest right! Keep saying it till you are ready. Its not like you're leaving bubs with everyone else and not her, right?
I have a friend whos made comments like...'well make sure baby will take a bottle then you can bring her to my house for the day'. The mere suggestion makes me panic at this point. lol
Overbearing MIL's are not what you need right now hun! Mine was exactly the same when I had my first. She has backed off now (after some harsh words when i was very hormonal 2 weeks after giving birth!!), but I do still get regular comments now
In my opinion, yes it's nice that family look forward to a new baby, BUT I really HATE the way some grandparents (i.e. my in-laws) feel they have rights over their grandchildren. They are mine and DH's children and NO-ONE else has any rights over them & have no place in demanding to take them out for the day etc.
I know some people feel differently, but to me I just don't get it. When my time comes, I will be here when my children need/want help, but I will never make demands (just like my own parents!).
Ladies I completely understand, I'm not in the MILs good books at the moment because "I dont want her to be a part of her grandchilds life". *rolls eyes*
This is all because she had made plans to take my baby on holiday early next year, without asking me or my partner. She just assumed that it would be ok and that we would go along with it. When I told her no she decided to tell people that I had been calling her an unfit mother when infact I had just said no you will not be taking the baby anywhere without me or my partner present. I had explained my reasons for her not taking the baby for weekend trips but again I was calling her unfit to look after a child when infact my partner works away all week and is only home Saturday/Sunday so he wouldnt be able to see the child if she had taken her away for the weekend. When my partner confronted her about it and told her to stop being silly as she was our child she acted all innocent and told him she understood why she wouldnt be able to take the baby on weekend trips or go booking any holidays for her and the baby. She hasnt spoken to me much since and I like to keep it that way because my hormones are telling me that everything she does and says something that concerns my baby annoys me.
My mum is really excited and has offered to help but hasn't made me feel like she'll be around all the time-although I feel like I'm going to need her help!
As for MIL-she hasn't spoken to me since about 14 weeks! I'm just waiting for them to turn up as soon as LO is here and I'm sorry but they will be coming over when they are invited and we will not be spending days and days with them at their place! They've given us no support, shown no interest throughout the pregnancy!
Thanks for your words, guys. I knew people on BnB would understand. I know she is just overexcited and a lot of it is probably just me being irritable and very much in a 'my baby, my life' sort of mood.
Think I might have another chat with OH because I'm thinking it would be best not to let her know when I've gone into labour (worried about her planning impromptu hospital visits), and maybe we should have a chat about how we want visits to go in the first few weeks/months because if we don't set ground rules now it will be difficult to change things in the future if MIL (or anyone else for that matter) gets into the habit of popping round without clearing it with us first. She lives very near by so I can see this happening. Although I am aware that we may be grateful for all the help we can get once LO is here, I really want as much of the early days to be about me, OH and the baby, and would like to try and keep any visits very short, especially for the 2 week paternity leave, so that we can concentrate on being a family. Really hoping that she realises all of this without us having to spell it out, because I don't want to put OH in a difficult position, nor do I really want to come out and be blunt about it. OHs parents have pretty much paid for our house and without them we would have been in a right mess financially, so I really don't want to seem ungrateful.
I'm just feeling a bit glum because I've just moved an hour away from my mum and family and we've moved 10 mins away from OHs family which is lovely for him but I'm finding it a little overbearing living in a house that's basically funded by them, in an area I haven't been able to fully explore yet now that I'm as big as a house (and probably won't do for a while until I've established a kind of routine with LO), and with an MIL who is popping by a lot and clearly has ideas about when LO is here. I just don't have my own sort of life here yet, feel like I'm just conveniently slotting into everyone elses lives.
Khloeee, are you in my head? I totally understand how you're feeling and I am more than relieved to hear I am not the only one (sorry but true!) ... I did wonder if I was going mad with my own MIL problem.
Well what can I say other than I really feel for you. My MIL doesn't seem to approve of much I intend to do for our child, everything's got 'But why don't you... I would do this" at the end of it. I could scream - and have done on a number of occasions.
The problem we seem to share here is that we both have a 'dear' MIL .. sometimes I wish my MIL was bloody awful all the time just so what I am saying or feeling makes more sense to people around me, in particular my husband. Crazy eh?
My MIL and I had a bit of a blow up (well my husband got the brunt of it) regarding Moses Baskets when I was around 18 weeks pregnant. Cut a long story real short - there was a stillborn death in my family some years ago involving a Moses Basket. So naturally, I have ill feelings towards the things. Oh and then there was the 20 week scan - my husband decided he would invite his mum along infront of me (post 12 week scan), and me being the sweet DIL I am went along with it (even though I was secretly wanting my sister there) - ultimately this feeling didn't go away and I ended having to ask my husband to un-invite her in the hope she would appreciate having been at the 12 week scan. Well that didn't go down well, however 'nicely' we tried to tell her.
So anyway, I understand how you feel... and like you I feel the pressure that it is only going to get worse (and have been told it does) but we will see. So far my MIL has been a little bit better, but every so often something creeps back up and I am feeling like you again.
Everything you said rang true for me - esp the 'Breaking down the hospital doors bit' - oh how I chuckled at the thought of my own MIL doing so... I wont be laughing if she does try this but I will be awfully surprised if she get's anywhere near us seeing as I have been more than specific about it in my birth plan (the nurses are going to laugh-out-LOUD when they read mine!)
I just wonder... how does your partner deal with his mother? Does he stand up for you? Mine has been a bit of a mummy's boy, esp in the first few instances but I think things are getting better as my husband has been more supportive and agreeing on certain aspects of his mother's behavour... although I am still battling the "My mum will babysit here, and there and then" issue... my poor father hasn't been mentioned once!
At least your OH is not an only child, mine is and it is VERY clear. Least she will have your OH's brother in her life, I think that will work in your favour.
I wish I could give you some assistance - perhaps we can swap stories about our 'dear' MIL's and how they deal with it all and find comfort from knowing out there somewhere is someone who is on ... 'our side'
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