I have never been so aggitated,really need to vent. Kinda long!
I really need to just vent! For the past 6 months my SIL has been staying with us to help watch our 18 month old daughter while I work. At first it was a little rocky, but we all finally adjusted. Well we have always had a problem with her not really helping when it comes to house work. We would have to ask her to do stuff, but at least she would do it. Now it's getting to the point to where when we ask her to do anything, she either acts like it bothers her, cocks an attitude, or like tonight, just not do it! My husband works and goes to school full time, I work 27-30 hours a week, and when I come home I watch after our dd of course. I'm at that stage of my pregnancy where I'm so uncomfortable, and it's really starting to get hard for me to work, yet alone work all day and come home and clean and watch our baby. I really try to rest as much as possible since I have bh allllll the time. I'm not asking for a spring cleaning all day every day, but I would love for her to volunteer to help, ask to help, or just do it. She at least cleans her own dishes, but she won't wipe off the counters when she makes a mess, and she leaves her wet dishes on the counter to dry off, well they sit there for a week!!!!!! I tried talking to my husband about it tonight and I told him I'm pretty sure it's because she's getting tired of being here and having to watch our dd so much through the week, she has always been a lazy person and she doesn't like a lot of responsibility. So I told him, either talk to his mom,which will either back fire on us because when we tell her that we are moving her out at the end of this month instead of around when our baby will be here, we are kind of worried that she will think we're trying to hurry up and kick her out, or he needs to talk to his sister and ask her to be honest and see if she wants to leave, and if so I'll go on maternity leave early and let her go. I feel like he doesn't want to deal with the situation cause his response is, why does every option have to end with you leaving work a week or so early...hmmm idk cause Emma can't watch herself! He is so consumed by the financial aspect that he doesn't take into consideration that I'm 34 weeks pregnant, I'm still working, have a daughter to raise, I hurt a lot and have a lot of bh which makes me so uncomfortable, and that I'm hormonal. On top of he isn't home nearly as much as I am, so I'm the one that is having to deal with it, not him. He just wants us to deal with it for the next 3 weeks so we can have that extra, what $150 or so. It's only getting worse and her attitude is only getting worse and it's really stressing me out. He doesn't see this, he only sees it from the money point of view. This is the worst time for me to be stressed, and I feel like he doesn't want to do anything to help me out with it. I'm sorry this is so long, but I've been holding this in for a long time and needed to vent!
Hmm... Well you need to think of it from her point of view too.
Is she living with you guys? If she's living with you guys and not paying rent then I would say, yes, she should be helping with household chores. But if she's just over during the day to babysit then no I don't think she should because she's taking time out of her day to help you guys out.
I guess I should have been a little more clear about the arrangement. Yes, she does live with us and has been for the past 6 months. His mom came to us and asked if this is something we would consider, because his sister is lazy,doesn't have a license, doesn't have a job, and doesn't go to school. She is pretty immature for her age and his mom wanted her to be around people that had responsibility so she would grow up pretty much. His mom does give us $200/month, that is to supplement her food and electricity, but she also has told us to make sure she is doing stuff around the apartment because she is here to help us out for right now. Don't get me wrong we do appreciate that we have someone to watch our dd and we have told her that and we don't ask for much, but when we do ask for her to put up her stuff or clean the bathroom that she is using she really gets irritated. Trust me if she didn't live here I would never say anything. On top of her not willing to help do anything, she stays in what will be the nursery day in and day out. The only time she comes out is to watch our dd and to fix food. She won't even keep that room clean. It's also gotten to the point to where when we need her to watch our dd you can tell it bothers her. I'm pretty sure that we are all just at that point where we just want to all go our separate ways and with it being 3 weeks ago, it's just getting tense. I should also mention that we have had conversations with her where we have asked that she help clean and she said sure, we have also made sure that there was nothing that we were doing that made her feel uncomfortable or to make her feel like she wanted to leave and she said no. I have told her on more than one occasion if there was anything we could do or that she needed to tell us and she just kept saying I'm fine, I love being here. This was also about 2 months ago and you can definitely tell things have changed.
Im sorry but I disagree with you. Its not that shes immature its that she didnt ask to be a mommy/nanny or have your life at 22. She watches your child all day and you want to clean up after everybody too. you already said she at least cleans up after herself. having a first child and a pregnant with a second was your choice not hers. your getting money for her to be there so its not costing you anything and you have a free babysitter that would cost a lot more.
She should at least keep her room clean and do her own laundry and things like that though if she's living rent free. If the whole point of this was to teach her responsibility and she accepted that then she needs to do her part. Especially if she agreed to it. I agree that she is 22 and watching a kid that isn't her own all the time is kind of frustrating, but she understood what she was going into when she moved in.
My question is, what are you going to do when baby number two is here? It's hard now, but when baby number two is here you won't have your sil around to help much anymore. I'd keep up with it for the next three weeks until she leaves.
In all honesty, she's not your kid and you can't raise her. Her mother shouldn't have put this home situation on you. Her mother should be the one trying to teach her responsibility. If I was her mom I'd tell her either go to school full time or get a job or get out, not push her on somebody else. Plus, whether she acts this way or not, she's an adult now so there's not much you could say or do to change her habits. Something drastic has to happen and she needs to grow the hell up, but she's not going to do that with everybody babying her all the time.
So to clarify my jumbled thoughts on this:
Part of me would say kick her out and let her learn the hard way
But the other part of me is thinking no, just deal with it for the next three weeks since you could use the help anyway and let her mother handle it like she should have done awhile ago.
Sorry I'm not much help Hun. I do agree that the situation is very frustrating. You should sit down with your OH and his mom if it's still bothering you so you can compromise on what to do.
I didn't say we wanted her to clean up after us I said she washes her dishes then leaves them all over the counter and that's the only way she cleans. I would never ask her to clean up after us. We really don't ask for much other than for her to clean what she messes up and we never really push her on that. She has said to us recently that she loved being here for our dd and wouldn't want it any other way because we didn't want her to think that we were using her and I wanted to make sure that she was comfortable. But it seems that recently that has changed.
Thank you for understanding. I feel like some of what I said was misunderstood or missed all together. She did know what she was taking on and like I've said we have asked her if everything was going ok, if there was anything we needed to be doing, or that she needed to feel more comfortable and she said everything was fine.
After our 2nd baby is born we actually have other plans set aside with different baby sitter, she will be helping but only once or twice a week, but this won't start until after I go back to work in July.
Now she does do her own laundry so that's not a problem, and like I said she cleans her dishes, but she piles them on the counter until they are pretty much falling off and won't put them up. I can't stress enough that I would never ask her to do much, I would never ask her to clean up after us, we actually make it a point to make sure that if we do anything or mess up anything that we clean it so she doesn't feel like she's cleaning up after us.
When I say she is immature for her age, I mean she's very smart, but she's never had a job and only went to school for one semester and that was more forced on her by her parents. Her mom has tried a lot and even got so tired of it where she had he stay with her dad for a few months hoping that would help, but it never did. I never asked her to have my life at 22 and like I have said 10 times, we have made sure to ask her if she was ok with everything. We appreciate more than anything that we have someone to watch our dd for free and that has been a huge burden off of us. I just really feel that this is kind of getting out of hand and that what I'm saying is being misunderstood.
While I understand that not putting the dishes away is really annoying, I really don't see why it is stressing you out this much from just one thing. Yes she should put them back, but I don't see that as a reason to want to have her leave early. It's only three more weeks. :/
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