MIL wants to be at birth..
So, my MIL has pretty much said she wants to be our birth of our baby.. Now, I will not let this, but how can I say no? without being rude, my husband, wont say a damn thing, because its not him....
Now - I love my mother in law, but its akward, shes not my mom. not to mention its our private time. My mom wasn't at our wedding, nor is she going to be here, because they cant take time off..
So tonight i said that the hospital only allows one person, and she said oh well i'll get a hotel and help set up the house for daddy.
First off; I cant STAND when she cleans my house, everything ends up in places that I cant find it. So i dont want her cleaning it, plus i feel bad. Than i'm off work for the next three months, so i have all the time in the world to get my house ready for baby, most of it is already ready for baby.
I want to breastfeed, but i know if i have relatives, in laws around my house im not going to be able too, i'll feel stressed, than when i want to breastfeed i'll have to get up to go to another room. Because of this im scared it'll make me give up, where as if I have time to adjust get to the hand of breastfeeding I feel it wont bother me half as bad.
How can I tell her that we want it to be just us, for at least the first week?
I love the fact that they want to give us a hand, and be here to help us. But at the same time, Its exciting for us, its our first baby, I want our FAMILY time. Because my husband can only take a week off, with his parents here, i feel like we wont get our family time. ugh.... what to do what to do.... this is stressing me out, because my husband doesnt seem to understand... UGH.
Can you just ask her nicely, like in a way where you phrase it so that if she pitches a fit she'll come off like the bad guy? Something like 'I'm really nervous and just really want it to be me and x for the first week but I'm afraid people won't understand...' etc without flat-out telling her 'leave us alone!' You've still got a lot of time to keep planting the seed that you can have guests after the first week. I never understand people who get so hung up on seeing the baby straight away, it's so selfish, they'll have the rest of the baby's life to spend time with him/her!
Ya, I just need to figure out the best way to do it.. Id feel horrible having them here, when my parents cant be. So that i think would drive me more up the wall than anything. Its not like they wont see the baby, I think my biggest issue is the fact that hubby wont say it to his mom, so it leaves me to be the 'mean one' per say. UGH.... Just have to play the no sex card if u dont talk to mom i think hahaha.
Well for me, my OH just said to me one night "My mom said she'd like to be at the birth if you want her there" .. I kinda ignored it and just said "Oh that's sweet" .. because at the time I was considering it (she's like a second mom to me since my ma passed) but I didn't give an official answer. As my pregnancy progressed, I realized I was getting sick of her company (thanks a lot hormones!) and knew I wouldn't be able to cope if she was in the delivery room with me. We were talking about my labour/birth a bit and she asked who I was going to have in the delivery room with me, and I just told her straight up "Matty (OH) and my Dad" .. well, apparently my sister will be there too now since she's travelling all the way from England for the birth of her nephew lol.
So, for me.. it was easy because I didn't really have to reject her. I was just glad she didn't ask me if she could be there straight after I said who I wanted at the birth!
As for after the birth, my OH and I are the same and just want it to be us and baby for at least a week before we get visitors. I'm sure your MIL will understand as it's bonding time for your family.
If she doesn't understand, then doom to her. She will get over it xx
I'm feeling the same way about my MIL. I feel bad because she wants to a part of everything, but she's not MY mom so I don't want her there. Instead, I find myself not including my mom in things I want to so as not to have the fight with my OH as to why I do not want his mom there if my mom can come. He doesn't understand that it's nothing against his mom, but the one between a mother and daughter is different than a mother and son, especially now during my first pregnancy. It's her baby having a baby of her own, which my OH argues his mom feels too, but come one, no man has no idea what the actual feeling of pregnancy is.
So I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I was telling my OH tonight that I didn't want our house full of family 24/7 when the baby is born and he pretty much said it would be. My parents live in the same town as us, but have jobs with actual schedules and are respectful with regard to my wishes and privacy. My mom knows we will call her when we want her at the hospital and if/when I'm ready for visitors at home. My MIL expects to be the one to drive me to the hospital (she lives closer to us) if my OH is at work and is fully prepared to help out in the weeks following the birth. I'm sure I will appreciate the help, but I feel strongly about the "just us" family time too. I want to fumble through the first days of parenthood with my OH and probably my mom, but like you, I don't know how to voice it in a non-offensive, unappreciative way.
So if you figure out a way, please share!!
You arnt mean! There's no way I'd want my mil there after last time I don't want my mum either just DH as I feel like my mum took over abit last time and it affected my bonding.
You are the one giving birth and it needs to be as relaxed and stress free as possible, if mil being there won't make you feel that way then it's tough she can't come! Your feelings are way more important when it comes to this! x
Tell your oh that its not all about the baby your body has to go through some major changes to give birth and you are going to need recovery time there will be times you need to air your stitches a little and also your cracked nipples if breast feeding (ok this is worst case sinarios but he dosnt need to know that ) make it sound as painfull as posible say your going to need time nearly naked to help all your child birth wounds heal and state how uncomftable you are with the posibility someone could walk in ask him if he had to push a melon through his penis and it split in half would he feel like having your family around constantly wilst trying to recover . mabey compramise on the week and say the first 3-4 days alone but when you do have visitors go into another room to feed or if your feeling tired and need a rest and make sure hubby knows no one is to desturb you as you may not have clothes on hehe it sounds harsh but i had to resort to these shock tactics and now hubby realises. i even came out blunt strait to mil the other day when she said to ring once im in labour with im sorry but im not comftable with giving hourly updates on how many cenemeters my noonie has opend and how long its been opening it would make me feel very uncomftable for me and make me feel exposed and violated its bad enough doctors knowing and checking this but at least i wont have to see them again we will be sure to tell you once shes out she looked a bit shocked but completely understood . good luck hun sorry about gory details lol x x x
I'm having similar problems managing family expectations. It drives me mad. You just need to tell her that you and OH need time to bond ALONE with LO and they'll be welcome to come and visit when you give them the go ahead. If she starts with the "yeah but" then tell her it's the same rule for everyone and you're not prepared to compromise on it. Tell her in a friendly but firm way.
I think you should have a serious conversation with your OH and get him to talk to your MIL. Just say that the first few weeks is going to be stressful and that you will both need time to adjust and that you have no problems with her coming round to see her grandchild but you don't want her to be there constantly. You could get her a thank you card and say something like 'Thank you for all your help with LO you have made our life a lot easier' Just so she doesn't feel left out.
Your OH needs to talk to her though and explain that the first few days are very important and special and you want to cherish them.
Good luck! x
i laid it out just like you said in your orig post; some of my fam members were hurt by it but they'll have to get over it. it's my life, my baby and it only happens once!
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