Why do I even bother? Every month I'm crushed. I'm depressed. Why do I still get hopeful that maybe sometime it will be different? Every test negative. Staring at it. Willing it to be positive. Searching for another line. Maybe if I hold it sideways, upside down, spin in a circle, I'll see a little glimmer of hope?
I know exactly what you mean. I've done that song and dance before and had to make myself stop. After a few years of nothing, I came to accept that I'm not going to make myself pregnant by pretending there's a line. In fact, when I did get a positive test I threw it away because I convinced myself I was just searching for a line again.
It's been harder lately, especially after those two early m/c. I find myself doing the same thing: hold it this way, bend it that way, take a picture of it and photoshop the everloving crap out of it to see if MAYBE I somehow missed a line with my own two eyes.
I'm on CD31ish and keep getting negatives, but I'm still doing the same thing because I'm so ticked that I'm not only late but haven't gotten a positive test yet either.
A friend from work told me today she is pregnant. Another friend had mentioned to get that she thought I would appreciate hearing first hand. While I appreciated this it was still hard to hear. She is about 18 months younger. But said she had a very low AMH and was told it was almost impossible for her to get pregnant. Happy for her. But still hard to hear when at 41 and 2 failed IVFS and several years NTNP all hope is gone.
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