How do you deal with the "so when are you having a baby," question?

Serene123 · May 30th, 2010, 16:51 PM

I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I'm finding it hard to relate with people who have been trying for 3 months and think it's a long time. I know it is to them, I've been there, but I could never have imagined being here when I was there.

I'm in the middle of cycle 15, and I'm really struggling with people asking me when we're having another baby. I've taken to just saying, "not yet," or even worse, "never!!!" It upsets me to be honest. I want to say, "you tell me!!" I have my recurrent miscarriage clinic appointment coming up (June 25th so not far away) and I don't know whether it's time to just be honest with people now the doctor agrees something might actually be up with me.

We went to a family party over the weekend, and I can't count on both hands the amount of people that suggested it was time for another baby, demanded I have another baby, or asked me when I'm planning on popping out another.

I know it's probably a personal thing. What do you say? Are you honest?

todteach · May 30th, 2010, 17:51 PM

I don't deal with this question well anymore. My husband seems more tactful tbh. I am quite honest with people now, and I know that isn't the right way to deal either. I tend to avoid people now because of this.

Lyns · May 30th, 2010, 18:01 PM

I'm in a similar situation.....I have a 3 yr old daughter, 2 yr TTC and 2 mc's under my belt, and at 40 the clock is ticking with me (as people cruelly and frequently remind me), only I'm also battling cancer at the moment to boot, so even TTC is on hold!

The bad news is there is no perfect answer, the good news is that people give up asking eventually...well so much anyway!!

To be honest, whilst there is no real answer, all I can encourage you to do is remember that when someone utters those words, smile sweetly and remember that you've probably tried harder and wanted harder than 99% of them ever did.....and therefore know that when it does happen for you, it will be that tiny bit sweeter.

If all else fails.....I just say "When the time is right....and for reasons you really don't want to know....its not really right now!" That usually shuts 'em up, and doesn't give anything away!

Huge hugs to you darling.....I know just how you are feeling x

Blue12 · May 30th, 2010, 18:06 PM

Oh I wish I had some suggestion. As I do not have any children yet, I find it hard to answer this question, yet probably much easier than it is to answer when you already have one as people assume you had 1, why not another.

goodluck

Hope you get some answers soon too.

Terangela · May 30th, 2010, 18:29 PM

I say honesty is the best policy. I am blatantly honest and it honestly stops the stupid questions! I would say, well, we have been trying for 15 months now and we hope we are able to have another as we love our first so much.

It took us 2years and 8 months to get pg the first time. I let everyone know that i had to take drugs to get pg and it might not work. Then when we were ttc#2 we told people we were ttc but hoping it didn't take as long that time. Now we are ttc#3 and all we get bugged about is having triplets, or twins. All I want is one, and all I got both other times was one. So i don't get why they have to joke about it. I find it all rather annoying. My brother is the worst and him and his wife aren't having kids. I think i might start joking back and see how he enjoys the thought of having twins himself.

lola13 · May 30th, 2010, 21:54 PM

I'm with todteach on this one. I try to avoid situations where the question might come up. When it does, my DH usually answers with "we'd like to, but it just hasn't happened yet". I'd like a dime for every time I've heard him say it.

I don't know what makes me feel worse - that people ask it, or that it's been so long that some have stopped asking.

Blue12 · May 30th, 2010, 21:59 PM

Ugh you are right lola - that is devastating.

Springflower · May 31st, 2010, 01:53 AM

I hate this question but have to admit when I was younger I used to ask it. Never again!!

I've been honest with my close friends and mum, OH hasn't told his friends and won't. He's very private. Luckily we're not that close to his friends wives (who have all had baby no. one) so manage to avoid that question.

It#s really difficult and I have to admit that my OH and I don't go out as nealry as much as we used to and have pretty much stopped hanging out with our friends who have kids. Really sad, but we find it easier.

It must be harder when you already have one as people always have an expectation that no. 2 is on the way!

Hugs to you

prettyshoes · May 31st, 2010, 03:00 AM

Hi,
I must admit I'm finding it difficult. Just yesterday I decided to grasp the nettle and admit to a few friends who have children that yes we are TTC and it's just taking a long time (they were TTC for 3 months on average for their kids). For everyone else, we just mumble 'not yet' or 'maybe in a couple of years, plenty of time'.

I have also muttered the old chestnut 'babies? I find it hard just to look after myself!' and give a little laugh which must sound like the falsest thing ever...

zowiey · May 31st, 2010, 03:15 AM

I hate myself for saying it, but I usually just say, that we so aren't ready for one yet! Which is absolute bullshit, but if I didn't have such a firm answer I'd break down every time. But then I get paranoid that maybe if I'm denying it so much,maybe I'm stopping it from happening!! Which I know is complete rubbish, but sometimes my mind goes a little crazy!!

But like Lola said, it's not very often we get asked anymore, can't always decide if it's a good or bad thing?

Good luck with your appt, hope you get some answers.
xxx

May 30th, 2010, 16:51 PM	#1
Serene123 Other Active BnB Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 32,045	How do you deal with the "so when are you having a baby," question? I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I'm finding it hard to relate with people who have been trying for 3 months and think it's a long time. I know it is to them, I've been there, but I could never have imagined being here when I was there. I'm in the middle of cycle 15, and I'm really struggling with people asking me when we're having another baby. I've taken to just saying, "not yet," or even worse, "never!!!" It upsets me to be honest. I want to say, "you tell me!!" I have my recurrent miscarriage clinic appointment coming up (June 25th so not far away) and I don't know whether it's time to just be honest with people now the doctor agrees something might actually be up with me. We went to a family party over the weekend, and I can't count on both hands the amount of people that suggested it was time for another baby, demanded I have another baby, or asked me when I'm planning on popping out another. I know it's probably a personal thing. What do you say? Are you honest?

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May 30th, 2010, 18:06 PM	#4
Blue12 Pregnant (Expecting) BnB Addict Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,295	Oh I wish I had some suggestion. As I do not have any children yet, I find it hard to answer this question, yet probably much easier than it is to answer when you already have one as people assume you had 1, why not another. goodluck Hope you get some answers soon too.

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May 30th, 2010, 18:29 PM	#5
Terangela Mum (Mom) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: Canadian Posts: 1,122	I say honesty is the best policy. I am blatantly honest and it honestly stops the stupid questions! I would say, well, we have been trying for 15 months now and we hope we are able to have another as we love our first so much. It took us 2years and 8 months to get pg the first time. I let everyone know that i had to take drugs to get pg and it might not work. Then when we were ttc#2 we told people we were ttc but hoping it didn't take as long that time. Now we are ttc#3 and all we get bugged about is having triplets, or twins. All I want is one, and all I got both other times was one. So i don't get why they have to joke about it. I find it all rather annoying. My brother is the worst and him and his wife aren't having kids. I think i might start joking back and see how he enjoys the thought of having twins himself.

Status: Offline

May 30th, 2010, 21:54 PM	#6
lola13 Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Midwest Posts: 441	I'm with todteach on this one. I try to avoid situations where the question might come up. When it does, my DH usually answers with "we'd like to, but it just hasn't happened yet". I'd like a dime for every time I've heard him say it. I don't know what makes me feel worse - that people ask it, or that it's been so long that some have stopped asking.

Status: Offline

May 30th, 2010, 21:59 PM	#7
Blue12 Pregnant (Expecting) BnB Addict Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,295	Ugh you are right lola - that is devastating.

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May 30th, 2010, 17:51 PM	#2
todteach Mum (Mom) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 2,440	I don't deal with this question well anymore. My husband seems more tactful tbh. I am quite honest with people now, and I know that isn't the right way to deal either. I tend to avoid people now because of this.

Status: Offline

May 30th, 2010, 18:01 PM	#3
Lyns Mum (Mom) BnB Addict Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: North Wales Posts: 5,633	I'm in a similar situation.....I have a 3 yr old daughter, 2 yr TTC and 2 mc's under my belt, and at 40 the clock is ticking with me (as people cruelly and frequently remind me), only I'm also battling cancer at the moment to boot, so even TTC is on hold! The bad news is there is no perfect answer, the good news is that people give up asking eventually...well so much anyway!! To be honest, whilst there is no real answer, all I can encourage you to do is remember that when someone utters those words, smile sweetly and remember that you've probably tried harder and wanted harder than 99% of them ever did.....and therefore know that when it does happen for you, it will be that tiny bit sweeter. If all else fails.....I just say "When the time is right....and for reasons you really don't want to know....its not really right now!" That usually shuts 'em up, and doesn't give anything away! Huge hugs to you darling.....I know just how you are feeling x

Status: Offline

May 31st, 2010, 01:53 AM	#8
Springflower Trying to conceive (TTC) BnB Addict Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Surrey, England Posts: 2,917	I hate this question but have to admit when I was younger I used to ask it. Never again!! I've been honest with my close friends and mum, OH hasn't told his friends and won't. He's very private. Luckily we're not that close to his friends wives (who have all had baby no. one) so manage to avoid that question. It#s really difficult and I have to admit that my OH and I don't go out as nealry as much as we used to and have pretty much stopped hanging out with our friends who have kids. Really sad, but we find it easier. It must be harder when you already have one as people always have an expectation that no. 2 is on the way! Hugs to you

Status: Offline

May 31st, 2010, 03:00 AM	#9
prettyshoes Trying to conceive (TTC) New BnB member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 2	Hi, I must admit I'm finding it difficult. Just yesterday I decided to grasp the nettle and admit to a few friends who have children that yes we are TTC and it's just taking a long time (they were TTC for 3 months on average for their kids). For everyone else, we just mumble 'not yet' or 'maybe in a couple of years, plenty of time'. I have also muttered the old chestnut 'babies? I find it hard just to look after myself!' and give a little laugh which must sound like the falsest thing ever...

Status: Offline

May 31st, 2010, 03:15 AM	#10
zowiey Trying to conceive (TTC) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Leicestershire Posts: 1,483	I hate myself for saying it, but I usually just say, that we so aren't ready for one yet! Which is absolute bullshit, but if I didn't have such a firm answer I'd break down every time. But then I get paranoid that maybe if I'm denying it so much,maybe I'm stopping it from happening!! Which I know is complete rubbish, but sometimes my mind goes a little crazy!! But like Lola said, it's not very often we get asked anymore, can't always decide if it's a good or bad thing? Good luck with your appt, hope you get some answers. xxx

Status: Offline

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