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Old Sep 20th, 2012, 06:56 AM   11
Mahoghani
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Thank you all of you. For your stories and your hugs. Yesterday, for brief moments I almost felt normal. My husband has been so wonderful. He hasn't left my side for a moment. I think he knows it isn't a good idea to leave me alone. He alternates between letting me talk about it and cry on his shoulder and trying to distract me to give me a break. Some how he just knows what I need even when I don't.

We still haven't told anyone. Except of course my boss, and since my husband is in the Army you tell one person and everyone he works with knows. But not family. I'm generally okay, can hold it together unless I have to say it out loud... so I just can't bare the thought of having to call my mother and my MIL. I don't think I can handle their grief coupled with my own right now.

On the other hand... When I went to pick up my son from daycare yesterday one of his caretakers made a comment about how I was going to have a hard time bending over in a few months. I haven't told my son yet. It was all I could do not to burst into tears in front of him... She didn't know but... It just made me realize how many people there are to tell. That I am going to be hearing things like that over and over and have to find a way to deal with that. It isn't their fault of course... But I can't help but feel resentment.

I go in to talk to the doctor today. To find out what happens next. I keep having night mares when I try to sleep. About what miscarrying will feel like. Empty. I want to see the baby. I feel like it might bring me some sort of closure. But I'm afraid to. I don't even know if they will let me. If I was far enough along... They told me they won't be able to do a drug induced abortion because I'm too far along... So I'm not sure what the other option will be. I want to get it over with, every time I think about the baby being dead inside of me I feel like I am going to throw up... and have once or twice. Still, I am dreading whatever I am going to hear today.



 
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Old Sep 20th, 2012, 09:43 AM   12
Stardom
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I can understand that hun, having baby inside you knowing that baby is dead is a traumatic feeling. Like you want to get baby out soonest feeling.

I hate that part about telling people. It's tough. But you will get there. I dread going to work and even thought of quitting as i fear to face people. I already had a baby bump as i was 20 weeks. Everyone will be shock to see my flat belly when i return. but we all have to face it sooner or later and when it comes, it's not as tough as I thought.

I hate to inform my MIL too. We waited almost 2 months before we break the news to her. Get sorted on yourself first, give it a step by a step, we just have to be kind with ourselves. We won't get over for sure but we will get through! Be strong honey. You still have a son to look after It was my first baby though, but I am determind to ttc again



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Old Sep 20th, 2012, 10:04 AM   13
BlessedWomb
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I am so very sorry for your loss. It's a really hard life journey that we have to go through. I hope that you have the strength to keep going. Take it one second at a time because sometimes a day can be too much. God bless you.



 
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Old Sep 20th, 2012, 10:57 AM   14
nicksi27
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Im so sorry that you are going through this. No woman should have to hear those dreaded words at a scan, I know what you are going through and its the worst pain in the world. i hope you find some comfort in the coming weeks. sending you and your little angel lots of love. im sorry there are no words to take the pain away xxx



 
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Old Sep 20th, 2012, 14:18 PM   15
dizzy65
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Old Sep 21st, 2012, 14:40 PM   16
Mahoghani
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The doctor's appointment was... I guess awful is the only way to put it. The OB I spoke to is an active duty doctor. Which means she was professional and informative... but had very little in the way of tact. She went into details about each of my options that I didn't want to hear. I suppose perhaps I needed to hear it, to make the right decisions but she was sort of cold and as-a-matter-of-fact about it all. She said they could do something called a D&E (dilation and evacuation). The second option is inducing a chemical miscarriage with drugs. The first she made very clear would be dangerous because I'm so far along and because I am over weight. The second... She actually wanted me to go home and do it alone. This after telling me all about my risks of bleeding, infection, and the fact that the baby could come out in pieces (sorry to be graphic). But she scared me off of the D&E, also the procedure sounds barbaric to me. So I took the drugs and warily went home. On the way she called to tell me that she'd checked with the labor and delivery department and they said I could come in and do it there, so that they can monitor my bleeding and make sure nothing went wrong. She said she could tell I was afraid to do it at home and thought I would be more comfortable in the hospital. Which was true. So I told her we'd be in that night, around 6 so that we'd have time to talk to my son.
My son took the news like an adult. I can tell he's upset but he doesn't want to upset me. He's so grown up for an eight year old. We left him to stay with my friend who was at the ultrasound with me and headed to the hospital.
When we got there I was told they didn't have room for me that they would call me the next day around 11am. I wasn't pleased to feel like I"d been brushed aside but honestly I was a little relieved. I want to get it over with but I'm afraid and anxious about the actual process and possibly seeing my baby... Another thing the doctor told me, once again in a very clinical tone, we most likely won't be able to tell if it was a boy or a girl. The baby is just barely not far along enough. I was devastated by that. I think I thought if I knew, if I could give the baby a name I would feel some sense of closure. Now I'll just always wonder... She also kept saying what felt like over and over that losing a baby at 14 weeks is "not normal." Not normal... I don't know why but those two words put together just make me feel like a freak. Like there is something wrong with me. Like I did something wrong...
At one today we called the hospital to find out why they hadn't called us yet... they'd forgotten about me. Apparently the night shift doesn't talk to the day shift and they had no idea who we were or why we were calling. My husband left them our number and they said they would call when they had a room, "hopefully in a few hours." It's been 3 days now since I found out and the waiting is starting to make me feel sick. I can't eat, I have trouble sleeping and I've been sick to my stomach all day. I just want to get it over with and I feel like the hospital doesn't think I matter because my baby is dead and they have so many live babies to concern themselves with.
I am so upset and so exhausted. Waiting is torture. I wish they could just understand that. Or care maybe...



 
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Old Sep 21st, 2012, 17:15 PM   17
shirlls
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You poor thing, I don't know what to say. I am thinking about you and sending you lots of love and xxxxxxxxx



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Old Sep 21st, 2012, 21:20 PM   18
Warby
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I am so, so sorry.



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Old Sep 23rd, 2012, 21:44 PM   19
Mahoghani
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My son was born yesterday, September 22 at 6am. And though he will never open his eyes, take his first breath or speak his first word, I love him with every fiber of my being. We named him Silver... I'm not sure why but it seemed appropriate for him. We haven't given him a middle name. We asked my son to choose his middle name and he still hasn't decided... He says it has to be just right.

They aren't sure what happened... what went wrong. We will know more after tests, the doctors say. They think that it might have been a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18. From what I've read about it online... I try take comfort in knowing that he will never know the pain and difficulties that a life in this world would have brought him. I need to believe that he is happier where he is now than he ever could have been here on earth with me. Still, I miss him and always will.

I wanted so badly to get it over with... to get him out of me. And now, home from the hospital and beginning to heal physically... I can't help but hold my belly where he used to be and wish he was still there. I feel empty and weak and listless... Like I know I want something but have no idea what that something is...

I spent the day today with Caleb, my eldest. My first... I can't bring myself to say my only as though Silver never existed... Caleb and his father have been so good to me through out this. My husband hasn't left my side for more than a few minutes since we found out that Silver had passed. And my son is so careful about what questions he asks and how he speaks to me. So eager to do anything that he thinks will make me smile... He really is too grown up for an 8 year old... All day I've been stroking his hair, holding his hand, kissing his forehead. Staring and just marveling at him. He is so perfect and so amazing.

I know there are many ways I could be feeling right now. I feel all of them one moment and none the next. Sometimes I just feel numb like I need to slide out of myself for a moment so that I don't go crazy... I don't know which is the right way to feel. Or if there even is a "right way." I've never felt a loss like this. Nothing even close to it... So, I am choosing to feel grateful. Or at least to focus on that as much as I can. Grateful that I have an amazing husband who takes such good care of me and grateful to have a beautiful healthy son, both of whom love me and care about me so much.

My heart aches to read all of your stories. I thank you all for posting them here to bring others feeling the same loss comfort. This forum has been a source of strength for me these past couple of days. When everything is less raw I hope I can bring others the kind of comfort you've all brought me. Thank you.



 
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Old Sep 24th, 2012, 19:31 PM   20
confused2011
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If you ever need to talk, Im here. I delivered my son ten days before you delivered yours. I went in because I hadn't felt my son moving in 2 days. We soon found out his heart had stopped so I was induced and had to push my son out on the 12th of September. He was only 11.8 oz and 10 inches long. The only thing they can find is that I was infected with paravirus B19. I too have done reading up on what happens to babies exposed to the virus and I find great relief that the good Lord took him home to wait for me. I know the pain you are feeling.



 
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