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Old Oct 17th, 2012, 10:41 AM   1
3xscharmer
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Ready to share my story - 5 weeks later


I lost my son Zane 5 weeks and 2 days ago at 17 weeks. I have had 6 early miscarriages (1 healthy DD) and to loose my son so far in is devastating. My pregnancy with him was going pretty good, I'd had some spotting from weeks 4-6 but he held in there and I finally made it past the dreaded 12 week mark. I wasn't neive enough to consider myself "safe" and I was constantly worrying about every little thing and constantly dreaming that he wouldn't make it, waking up crying so relieved it was just a nightmare...until that nightmare became my reality. On Thursday September 6th we went to one of those early ultrasound places and were told he was a boy and he looked perfect, HB was good, I wasn't dissapointed even though I wanted my DD to have a sister, I was coming to terms with it and we named Him William Zane because William is the family name. I love his name so much and it made me really excited to be having a boy. 3 days later on Sunday September 9th I woke up feeling funny, I had been feeling him moving for about 2 weeks and I just felt empty, I couldn't feel him at all. So I grabbed my HB monitor and started trying to find his HB but couldn't and I remember DH coming in and asking me if I'd found it yet and me telling him NO and then falling apart crying asking him why I couldn't find our baby. So I went to the local small hospital which didn't have an ultrasound department and they tried on their doppler and couldn't find anything so they transported me via ambulance to the big hospital with DH following us in the car. At the big hospital I waited forever for an ultrasound and when they gave me one they wouldn't let me see the screen but from my angle I could just see that green HB line and it was flat, I told DH and cried forever until the ER doc came in, I could see she was having trouble telling me, so I just said "it's bad news huh"? she said "yeah kid, I'm sorry there's no HB (fyi, I'm not a kid persay, I'm 24) so they sent me to L&D and I waited there for my doc, when she came in she did another ultrasound to be sure and she didn't hid the screen. I was given some tabs to bring on labor and at 2:22am on Setpember 10, 2012 my son was born with his umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck 3 times and his face discolored where he had been strangled. He was perfectly tiny, had his sisters nose and so beautiful. He was 4.4 ounces and 7 1/2 inches. I cried before I had him and after, but I didn't cry when I held him, he was just so beautiful and I wanted to remeber every detail so I just stared at him, I didn't speak except to ask DH if he wanted to hold him, I only touched him with my fingertip because he was just so fragile looking. I had some complications with my placenta so I had to have a D&C about 12 hours later. We left the hospital that evening and we brought him with us, we decided that too many times we've walked into a hospital pregnant and walked out with empty arms, so this time we got to bring our baby with us. I cried the 45 minutes to the funeral home and the 45 minutes home, sobbed actually. We creamated him and he's now in a heart necklace for me to wear. I picked the heart instead of the cross to replace the heart he took with him when he left me. I haven't worn it yet, DH was not happy with the chain part of the necklace, he said it was too flimsy and will get me a good one so it doesn't break. My house became a prision for me after that, I couldn't take showers with my dd because I knew the last time I took a shower with her my son was alive, doing laundry I would come across maternity clothes and other clothing I'd worn with Zane and I'd fall apart, on my knees in the laundry room sobbing while clutching those clothes. I would find myself holding my breath waiting to feel movements that were never going to come. It's been 5 weeks though and I'm doing somewhat better, I still cry at random moments and have been crying the whole time I've been typing this. We have decided that even after 7 losses and no explanations we are going to try again soon and that fills me with so much hope, I know that nothing can replace my son, I've had enough losses to know that one baby cannot replace another, but I need something positive to look forward tood. I hope that someday I will find myself back in the hospital but this time with a screaming healthy baby in my arms. I am so sorry to those who have had to endure this, the pain is un-measurable and pray that someday we are all blessed with our rainbows.



 
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Old Oct 17th, 2012, 13:42 PM   2
Lottelotte
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I am so sorry. There are no words....
All i can hope is that the coming weeks and months are gentle on you. And that we get our rainbows soon...


I lost my Rory last week, and we had the funeral this afternoon. I hate that any of us have to go through this, it is just so unfair. I also lost a little girl last year.

Thinking of you

Xxx



 
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Old Oct 17th, 2012, 16:53 PM   3
3xscharmer
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I am so sorry for your losses, I know today must have been so hard, fly high babies, fly high



 
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Old Oct 18th, 2012, 03:27 AM   4
Hellylou
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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little boy at 16 weeks on 10th September 2011, exactly a year before. My loss was to PPROM and he passed during delivery but that date will forever be set in my heart and I am so sorry that the date will have the same sadness for you too.

Wishing you gentle days and weeks ahead and hoping for that rainbow baby for you soon.



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Old Oct 18th, 2012, 08:58 AM   5
Andypanda6570
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I am so so deeply sorry for your loss of Zane, what a beautiful and fun name. I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, i gave birth in my home, we buried her on 3-11-2011. I was 40 when i got pregnant by accident, i already had 3 boys 20, 18 and 12, so Ava was just a blessing to us, the little girl i never thought I would ever have Now she is gone and my heart still aches for her, things were getting better until my Sister In Law announced her pregnancy, she is now 37 weeks and is not saying what she is having, i just know it is a girl. She also has 3 boys 16,13 and 10 and she is 38. The baby will be here soon and I don't know how I am going to get through it. All we can do is take it one day at a time. The pain gets a bit easier as time goes by, you just accept it is a new normal now, but you just never ever get over this, it is impossible. I am always here if you ever need to talk, I am so sorry you are here with us, but these women are amazing and if it was not for them I just do not know what i would have done..
All my Love, Andrea



 
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Old Oct 18th, 2012, 12:55 PM   6
3xscharmer
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Hellylou - so sorry for the loss of your son too, in some strange (hopefully non-offending way) I am glad I will not be alone in my grief on September 10 of next year. So glad you were able to get your rainbow, with all the losses I've had, I don't know if I will ever have a rainbow as they can't find anything wrong with us.

Andypanda - So sorry about Ava, I'm pretty sure you comforted me with some of my other losses, so glad you reached out to me again. I hope you are able to find away to cope with your SIL's pregnancy, it's hard when everyone else is getting pregnant and having their babies and we know in our hearts that it should've been us. I know I don't deserve to have a baby any more than anyone else here, but after 7 losses, I'm just ready for it to be my time, my silent prayer to God is "please let it just be my time now". Are you done having babies or are you going to try again? Good luck either way and I pray for all of our healing.

RIP babies, fly high..



 
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Old Oct 19th, 2012, 17:47 PM   7
SabrinaKat
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I'm so sorry, sweetheart -- I am glad, however, that you were able to come on and tell us your story....

I hope that little William Zane is looking down on his mummy and knows how much you love him....

best wishes, honey........

Pamela



 
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Old Oct 20th, 2012, 06:40 AM   8
Andypanda6570
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3xscharmer View Post
Hellylou - so sorry for the loss of your son too, in some strange (hopefully non-offending way) I am glad I will not be alone in my grief on September 10 of next year. So glad you were able to get your rainbow, with all the losses I've had, I don't know if I will ever have a rainbow as they can't find anything wrong with us.

Andypanda - So sorry about Ava, I'm pretty sure you comforted me with some of my other losses, so glad you reached out to me again. I hope you are able to find away to cope with your SIL's pregnancy, it's hard when everyone else is getting pregnant and having their babies and we know in our hearts that it should've been us. I know I don't deserve to have a baby any more than anyone else here, but after 7 losses, I'm just ready for it to be my time, my silent prayer to God is "please let it just be my time now". Are you done having babies or are you going to try again? Good luck either way and I pray for all of our healing.

RIP babies, fly high..
I am trying now but only till December. I am 42 years old so even if I do get pregnant I will be 43, that for me is the cut off So if it happens it happens if not, at least I can say i tried. All My Love To You XOXOXO



 
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Old Oct 20th, 2012, 08:33 AM   9
3xscharmer
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Thanks Sabrinakat, such kind words mean a lot.

Andypanda - I hope it happens for you and you get your rainbow, if not then I hope that you are at piece with your decision to stop trying. Good luck, wishing nothing but the best your way.



 
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Old Oct 21st, 2012, 02:48 AM   10
Wilfbown
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I am so sorry Charmer Stay strong.

My thoughts are with you and your family xxx



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