Hello, I am posting my question on this forum in hopes that someone could give me their perspective on the issue of having a new baby after a loss. Last month my husband and I loss our baby girl, Zoi Emerson, at 21 weeks gestation. For some reason, that is unknown to the doctors, I began having contractions and as a result went into preterm labor. We have a 7 yr. old little girl and were all really looking forward to welcoming Zoi into our family for all the reasons that a new baby brings.
Because my past medical history was uneventful (before now) and because I am 36, we have been encouraged to try again right away for another baby. I still very much would like to have a baby and a sibling for my child, but there is fear and to some degree guilt that we would be replacing Zoi somehow.
In my grief process, I realize that I am grieving many different aspects of my loss. Not only am I grieving the loss of my actual baby but also the idea of having a baby at all, a second child, a sibling for Elise and all of the experiences that we planned in our heads that will not happen. It was our assumption that Zoi would be the child who would fullfil all of that, but God has acted, and that is not to be. My question is...did a new baby fill any of these voids for anyone? I will forever miss Zoi for the individual that she is until I meet her again in Heaven, but does having another baby help at all in healing those other areas of loss?
I can only tell you of my experience of course. but I had my baby frazer in 2005 he was born sleeping at 36+6 weeks... I couldn't be a mummy with no baby... it was destroying me inside so we got pregnant as soon as I stopped bleeding... and in July 2006 had my little boy Alexander. I was still grief stricken and I still am now. but my arms were full of love and joy xxx I am so sorry you lost your baby xx wish no one would ever know that pain!
I don't know the answer to that yet, but for me i found out i was expecting again on the 31st dec, less than 3 months after losing Rory. I have had feeling initially of just wanting Rory and feeling quite ambivilant to the new baby, to now of warming to my new baby and guilt for feeling that i am leaving Rory behind. It is really hard. And it is still very early days for me.
I know that the first baby i lost, i didn't fall pregnant for 9 -10 months and emotional i didn't feel the guilt i feel now.
But i do know, that i want to be a mummy more than anyhing and would have done anyhing to be pregnant again. My losses have just strengthened that.
My story is not quite the same as my loss was quite early on, but I do know that having Riley has eased that pain somewhat. The guilt and sadness remain, and I will always wonder about Little Baby Guthrie, but if nothing else getting pregnant again told me that I was not "broken", that it wasn't anything that I had done wrong or hadn't done right -- it simply wasn't my or LBG's time.
I will always mourn LBG as the individual he was (I was always convinced it was a boy, a big brother to smile down on his little sister now), and Riley could never and was never meant to replace him. Losing him has made me appreciate her so very much, more than I ever expected. It made pregnancy a nightmare, true, but also made me so, so grateful for the good times.
This is what I have found in carrying to term after loss.
I lost my Ava at 22 weeks, I gave birth to her in my home and we buried her on 3-11-2011. I already had 3 boys 21, 19, and 12. Ava was my surprise baby, I was 40 when I conceived and would have been 41 if she lived . For me now at age 42, 43 in June, I would tell you to please please try again. I can't cause I will be 43 soon and I feel it is to late for me, I will never have my rainbow and that hurts more than anyone will ever know. You are 36 and if I was your age I would have tried again in a heartbeat. You will always miss Zoi that will never ever change but I think having a rainbow helps so much on the journey of healing. Almost all the wonderful friends I have met have their rainbows and I know it has helped them, healed them fully no but has helped so so much. I am not saying to have another baby just to heal yourself, it is just so beautiful to be able to go on in a little way and I feel a rainbow represents you going on and having another blessing not only for you , but for Zoi also I wish to God I could do this for me and Ava and I know people say your not old and this and that but I am old 42 will bring some problems my eggs are not young and for me I can't not go through another loss, it is just a chance i will not take, if it happened again it might literally kill me . You do what you feel is best, I wish all the very best . I am so sorry for your loss of Zoi.. XOXOOXOXOOX Andrea
I lost my twins. They were born at 24 weeks on October 20, 2010. They were given the chance to thrive outside of my womb in the NICU... unfortunately due to the complications they had in the womb and the complications they started to have from being 16 weeks premature, neither of them lived... Today, I have a 5 week old baby girl.... And to be honest, she has helped the healing process. She filled the hole in my heart. I will always be heartbroken from the loss of my sweet boys and I will ALWAYS miss them and think about them EVERYDAY but if I would have never had my daughter, I may have never moved forward in my life. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you do have another baby one day.
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