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Old Feb 4th, 2013, 15:44 PM   1
3xscharmer
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Anyone have the bad dreams come back close to DueDate?


So, I've always been a vivid dreamer and after losing Zane at 17 weeks I did have a few bad dreams, but they stopped, until recently anyways. My due date is in exactly 2 weeks and I keep dreaming that I'm looking for my baby and I can't find him, so I spend the dreams in agonizing fear because I can't find my baby and I don't know where he is and I wake up crying and usually have a bad day because I understand those dreams and they make me even more incredibly sadder than I normally am. Just wondering if anyone else has been there and if it's normal...although how losing a child can ever be normal is beyond me. Just don't want to feel alone I guess because misery loves company and I am so friggin miserable!



 
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Old Feb 4th, 2013, 20:08 PM   2
Hopefulagain
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I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Zane. I just wanted you to know that you are not at all alone. My daughter's due date is not until April 26 (we lost her at 21 weeks in December), and I'm not much of a vivid dreamer but I do remember some of my dreams. From what I can remember, I have not had bad dreams but I do wake up some mornings severely depressed and it does affect the rest of my day. There just seem to be some mornings when I am more aware of the fact that my child is dead, its final and she is NOT coming back. I'm not sure if I have actually been having bad dreams on those nights that I just don't remember or what. But I certainly can relate to your experience. Please take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.



 
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Old Feb 6th, 2013, 03:40 AM   3
Andypanda6570
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I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Zane.
I lost my beautiful Ava Sofia at 22 weeks and it will be 2 yrs. March 3rd/
I did have dreams and sometimes when I am alone I hear a baby crying it is just so sad, but it seems SO real. I hear the cry when I am wide awake, so I jump up and then realize it is only in my mind , still hurts though.

I dream Of Ava all the time so yes it is very normal and probably a way of our heart coping with this massive grief. Don't ever feel alone, I promise you are not. If you ever need me to talk or anything, I am always here.

All My love, Andrea



 
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Old Feb 7th, 2013, 02:21 AM   4
Mahoghani
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Right after Silver was born I had a lot of very morbid, disturbing dreams. Seeing him after he was born was very traumatic for me and I woke up in a cold sweat nightly for weeks afterward. They've subsided for now but I still have another month before his due date. The closer it gets the more I feel anxiety resurfacing... Of course that might just be PMS horemones. They hit me worse since he was born for some reason. I've started tracking how big he would be again... This week he'd be 36 weeks. I know it isn't healthy. To keep tracking where he would have been. But I can't seem to help myself. Maybe after his due date has passed I'll be able to let that go...



 
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Old Feb 7th, 2013, 03:59 AM   5
ginny83
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My son's due date was 3rd April, I lost him at 16 weeks in October.

I don't have dreams that much about him, but I think about him a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get over this.

I'm not looking forward to his due date, it kinda feels like a timebomb ticking away getting closer and closer



 
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Old Feb 7th, 2013, 04:31 AM   6
Andypanda6570
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahoghani View Post
Right after Silver was born I had a lot of very morbid, disturbing dreams. Seeing him after he was born was very traumatic for me and I woke up in a cold sweat nightly for weeks afterward. They've subsided for now but I still have another month before his due date. The closer it gets the more I feel anxiety resurfacing... Of course that might just be PMS horemones. They hit me worse since he was born for some reason. I've started tracking how big he would be again... This week he'd be 36 weeks. I know it isn't healthy. To keep tracking where he would have been. But I can't seem to help myself. Maybe after his due date has passed I'll be able to let that go...
I am so very sorry for your loss. I also did the same as you, it is healthy and it is normal, very normal. It is our way of coping, this will pass and you will stop tracking. I kept my pregnancy ticker here on BNB cause I could not take it down, I left it up for a long time and then one day I took it down and replaced it with a ticker of losing Ava . Don't ever feel alone in your feelings, cause I can almost guarantee you aren't..XOXOXXOOOXO



 
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Old Feb 13th, 2013, 10:35 AM   7
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Thanks guys, glad to know I'm not alone.
AndyPanda - glad you pointed out that the keeping track of milestones is normal, I do that too. And thank you so much for always being there for me, it means so much and I will never fully be able to express my gratitude for your kind words.

Hopefulagain - same here, I remember most dreams and they really set me on edge for the day and I just can't seem to shake them. Thank you for sharing your experience and comfort.

Maho - I'm on edge too, due date is in 5 days and I feel like just losing it! I'm kinda angry and this really isn't fair. I keep up with milestones too, I started doing that again when I got that overwhelming need to paint the nursery and I just couldn't seem to stop myself so after I painted I counted up my dates and sure enough, I would have been 32-33 weeks at the time and that's when I had planned to paint. It was like somewhere in my head my mind recognized that I SHOULD be preparing for a baby. I also go over to the third tri section and torture myself with looking at bumps and knowing that should be me and wondering if I'd be carrying higher or lower than those ladies. That IS really unhealthy and I don't stay long, but it sometimes comforts me in some weird way knowing that those babies are going to be born alive and healthy and screaming. Plus I was friends with some of them and want to see how they got on.

ginny - absolutely a time bomb, I know that feeling. I break down and cry at random times still even though it's been 5 months now and even when I'm not actively thinking about him, I still feel that loss, it's like it's a part of me even if I'm smiling or laughing at something funny, the sadness, the feeling of loss is still there. It's kind of comforting to me though to know that no matter how happy I am in any given moment, I still feel the pain of losing my son and that pain is really the only thing I have left of him, it's a part of me now, it's who I am and it is my constant reminder that he was here and he was loved and I will never forget him, never stop loving him.

So, 5 days away and thankfully, my dreams have been much more kind to me lately. I have been dreaming of love and happiness and I wake up still feeling the love of my dreams. Course I'm still falling apart, but my DH has decided that I deserve a new wedding ring (mine doesn't fit b/c I dropped 10lbs after losing Zane from not eating) and I have been spending every waking moment looking for the perfect ring and loving on my DD. We are also trying to get my cousin who's two from foster care and hope to adopt him in the future, but everything is still in early stages but so far things are going our way. Hope everyone else is doing okay. Thank all of you again for reaching out to me, still miserable and still loving the company. Hope we all find our healing and rainbow babies, no matter how they come to us.



 
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Old Feb 14th, 2013, 03:51 AM   8
Andypanda6570
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Ava's 2yrs Anniversary is coming up on March 3rd and I am just crying so much lately. I can't believe it has been this long . I can't believe how my happiness was turned into horror and heartbreak. I was so excited just to be pregnant , but them to know she was a girl , I was just so happy.

I still search for the answer why this beautiful little Butterfly had to leave us, I miss her so much. She would have been 16 months and walking and laughing and spending her days and nights with her family..

It is so earth shattering this pain. I wish to God she was here. Nothing , tears, broken heart, praying will bring her back.. I know I have done them all.

You just get stuck in this horrific pain that never leaves, it never leaves.

XOXOOX



 
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Old Feb 14th, 2013, 22:36 PM   9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andypanda6570 View Post
Ava's 2yrs Anniversary is coming up on March 3rd and I am just crying so much lately. I can't believe it has been this long . I can't believe how my happiness was turned into horror and heartbreak. I was so excited just to be pregnant , but them to know she was a girl , I was just so happy.

I still search for the answer why this beautiful little Butterfly had to leave us, I miss her so much. She would have been 16 months and walking and laughing and spending her days and nights with her family..

It is so earth shattering this pain. I wish to God she was here. Nothing , tears, broken heart, praying will bring her back.. I know I have done them all.

You just get stuck in this horrific pain that never leaves, it never leaves.

XOXOOX

I'm falling apart too, I feel so off balanced. I find myself falling apart at random times and then I usually feel restless, like I'm supposed to be doing something and of course that gut-retching pain that makes me want to just scream until I can't scream anymore. I wish I could change things for us, wish that this pain wasn't real, just another one of my bad and vivid dreams and that we could wake up...but this is our lives and yes, we have to live with this un-ending pain for the rest of our days. Just 3 1/2 more days until my due date, I don't think we are going to do anything special but cry, his birthday we'll release balloons and celebrate that he was born, but his due date is a day of mourning, meant to be spent with tears and pain. This just really sucks. So sorry you are still in so much pain, what are we supposed to be doing? Hoping you know because I have no friggin clue.



 
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Old Feb 18th, 2013, 21:43 PM   10
Mahoghani
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Just under two weeks until Silver's due date. March 3rd... I keep trying not to think about it but I find myself increasingly sad "for no reason." If I stop and let myself think about it I know exactly what the reason is. But I try not to.

We were going to start trying again this month. The closer it gets the more I'm not sure I'm ready. I keep thinking I'll feel different once we pass his due date. That I'll feel closure. Ready to start looking to the future. But the closer it gets the more I think March 3rd isn't going to be a magic date when I'm going to suddenly start feeling like the night mare is over.

To make matters... more complex, a friend of mine is due in March. She was supposed to be induced March 21st but she is already dilating and I can't help but think wouldn't it be funny if she delivered on Silver's due date. Funny and kind of awful. She's having a boy and as it is I am struggling to detach myself from her and her pregnancy. She is so close to where I would have been. If she has Ayden on Silver's due date... I don't know how I will cope with that.



 
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