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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 02:16 AM   21
sethsmummy
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I hope you are doing ok hun and got to do everything you wanted to do on saturday with your precious little one. I have been thinking of you over the weekend



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 03:01 AM   22
LDC
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Thank you so much for all of your kind words, I feel like my world has collapsed.

I had 4 rounds of the pessaries every three hours starting at 11am on Saturday - they said they couldn't give me the usual amount because of my previous c section in 2012 in case it made my scar rupture. They said if nothing happened after the four pessaries then I'd have to start again Sunday morning.

I had a lot of pain; in the end was given gas and air and pethidine. Baby Reuben was then born at 12:15am Sunday morning after the final pessary at 8pm. He was 29cm long and weighed 442g. With dd being born by c section I'd never had a natural birth before and, if anything, I'm so glad I was able to push my baby into this world. Once I pushed my waters out he came quite quickly; they told me bother was happening because I'd bleed before anything started - I didn't bleed before.

Then things started to go wrong - my placenta wouldn't all come out and was stuck in the neck of the womb and I was losing a lot of blood. Everyone just started rushing around and the Dr was calling for more and more people saying EBL. This completely freaked me out and the pain was horrendous. They ended up taking me to theatre under anaesthetic to remove the rest of my placenta and to stop the bleeding. I got back to my oh on the ward at around 4:30am and was told the next morning I lost around 2 litres of blood.

So I didn't get the chance to even talk about my little boy until 10am the next day. We got the chance to go and see Reuben, but I couldnt. I couldn't do it. I was scared and just frozen to where I was. My oh went to see him and took him the bunny we brought him; he was really upset when he got back and said he didn't think I should go but that he was glad he did; he said he thought I'd be too upset seeing him. The hospital had put him in a Moses basket with a little hat on and a blanket - we got to keep the blanket that wrapped my son up.

We had Reuben blessed by the vicar and had hand and foot prints given to us. We are now waiting to try and arrange the funeral after the PM.

Now I'm at home and we are expected to carry on as though nothing has happened. My son is real but not here. Where is the justice? I broke down this morning to oh about it, I don't know if I regret not going to see him. We have pictures but I can't bring myself to look at them either, what is wrong with me? Oh spoke to me and said he needed to see him as for him he wasn't real whereas for me he is real because I felt him move and pushed him into this world. Maybe being rushed of to theatre didn't help either - it was meant to be calm but it wasn't, I honestly thought I was going to die.

All I know is I am devastated. For those 21 weeks my son brought me so much happiness and I just wish that I could have given him the health and strength to be strong enough for this world. My dd keeps me busy and I'm so grateful that she is here to keep mine and oh's spirits as high as they can be, I just wish things had turned out differently.

Xx



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 03:25 AM   23
sethsmummy
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awww hun i am so so sorry things didnt go so well Thats the last thing you needed to be happening after everything else.

Please please do not beat yourself up, there is no right or wrong and there is 100% nothing wrong with you. you have just gone through one of the most traumatic things that can ever happen to a parent When you feel the time is right you can look at the photographs of your precious Reuben.

I am so glad they managed to stop the bleeding and that you are still here hun as thats an awful lot of blood to loose.

Everyone will be here for you to help you through this hun. I hope you also have lots of support around you at home.. and please do not feel like you just have to cope. What you have just been through no mummy or daddy should ever go through that and you need time to grieve




 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 03:39 AM   24
LDC
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Thank you so much for your reply.

Oh and I had a really open talk during the labour and it really helped us to just say exactly how we felt and how horrendous the situation feels. He's been so good today and yesterday too, just letting me know it's ok to be upset and taking a lead on things.

I felt really poorly yesterday when I got home, like weak and lightheaded which I imagine is from the blood loss (they decided against a blood transfusion at the last minute) and he just let me rest and took charge of dd, despite how awful he was feeling.

Ive been given two lots of antibiotics and a dose of iron tablets to take and have woken up today feeling less fuzzy and just a bit achy downstairs and in my arms (I had three canulars in) but I can deal with that. I can just picture the bloody woman coming at me with these forceps to try and get the placenta out...definitely put me off a natural labour if we choose to have any more children! I was opting for a planned section with Reuben.

My MIL gets back from holiday tomorrow and she doesn't know anything about it Yet as oh didn't want to tell her whilst she was on holiday, which I understand as she can't do anything. So that's anther bridge to cross tomorrow.

Xxx



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 03:50 AM   25
Jessicahide
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You have your pics and they will always be there for when and if you are ready xxx nothing is wrong with you apart fro having your precious baby stolen from you.... And that is frankly more than any person should have to go through, people will never understand the horror and hurt and injustice or the way you will try to plead with the universe to take it back for the rest of your life. People will say stupid things to you, hurtful and spiteful and they will have no idea how much they effect you. The world keeps going and I remember thinking "how can people just be going to work, and doing their washing.... Don't they know what has happened?!" Its a strange sensation and I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I am glad you had him, even for such ashort time because he is yours no matter where he is xxxx



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 06:29 AM   26
LDC
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Jessica, I think that it exactly it. It's like my world has been ripped apart but nothing at home has changed if that makes sense. When I lost my mum it was just me and her at home so there was a huge gap where she would sit or check email or cook dinner, yet with this loss there is nothing as such. Just my stupidly empty stomach and hole in my heart. Nothing visible? Maybe that's what makes it harder. You know there was an existence, I have proof of an existence but then nothing at the same time?

People keep asking what they can do, I just want to say "bring my baby back" because, actually that's all I want.

Your last sentence really meant a lot to me, thank you. You're right, Reuben is mine. He was here and we love him with all of our hearts, he's just in a different place right now

Xxx



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 07:32 AM   27
Jessicahide
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Sending my love xxxx



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 07:50 AM   28
LoraLoo
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. We lost Alfie at 18 weeks into the pregnancy, and Eve at 5 days old.
It's not a pain you ever get over but it's a pain you learn to live with in time.
I'm so glad you got some photographs and prints of Reuben. Also, it's not too late to see him after the pm. We saw eve after her pm and she still looked perfect, I'm
Not saying that to place doubts in your head, just because I don't want you to regret anything if you didn't know it was still an option.
Sands provided lots of support too, they were my lifeline in the early days.
My thoughts are with you all x



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 12:08 PM   29
Boozlebub
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I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling but I want to send you hugs and prayers and to tell you that I think you are an incredibly strong and brave woman. And your husband is also strong and brave and I'm glad you have each other and your DD to keep you going x



 
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Old Jul 13th, 2015, 12:59 PM   30
lizlemon
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Sending you a massive hug. Don't rush to recover too quickly, the blood loss will have wiped you out for a while. I'm glad you got photos, I've not looked at my lo's for about a year but am glad they are there if I need too. I expected people to say hurtful things but in fact everyone was very kind and upset for me and dh. Also if you did still want to see your baby you can ask as it takes a while for them to do pms so there is time if you really want to. Sending you big big hug, keep talking to your oh and cry when you want to xxx



 
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