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Old Jul 14th, 2015, 04:29 AM   31
LDC
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Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they really do help me to get through every hour of the day. I'm so sorry that you have all been through this too, no matter what stage or what happened. It definitely changes you as a person and if there weren't forums like this then I don't know what I'd do.

I'm hoping the bereavement midwife will call today so there is some more support there, I also emailed ARC and asked for support from them. They replied really quickly yesterday so am sure they'll be in touch soon.

I feel like my friends don't know how to speak to me, I know they've not been through it and I think because I'm not usually an emotional person this new emotion is kinda hard to manage - for them and me both.

My milk has come in now, another painful reminder of the truth. I didn't even realise I would get my milk, but my boobs are so sore. Been putting cabbage leaves on so hopeful they will calm down soon.

I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a time warp at the minute - it seems so long ago, yet it was two days ago. I've done a lot of reevaluating of my life, sounds dramatic, but I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't enioy it, it takes me away from dd for 38 hours a week and actually, it's not worth it. I'd need another job first; but I was planning on going part time once Reuben was here anyway. I'm trying not to be rash and taking things a day at a time, but I feel like there's been a lot of realisation about what is important in my life.

We're going to buy an evergreen colourful shrub tomorrow for the garden whilst dd is at nursery for Reuben as a memorial for the garden so we have something to remember him by. I think we will get some ornaments too to put there.

Does anyone know how long I will bleed for? I've not actually bled as much as I thought but do you think I will stop for a while and then get AF? I'm not really sure what to expect, no one mentioned anything at the hospital about that or when oh and I could be intimate again - not that that's even on my mind but I just don't know the answers.

Xxx



 
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Old Jul 14th, 2015, 08:51 AM   32
Bunanie
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I'm so so so sorry... I just can't imagine how much pain you ar going through right now... Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to look at the photos, I too have not touched or put away the ultrasound films with my last. I simply shoved it to a corner of a table, it's my way to heal.

The shrub sounds like a great idea...

Hugs....................... Please take good care of yourself



 
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Old Jul 14th, 2015, 08:58 AM   33
Peanutt
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LDC View Post
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they really do help me to get through every hour of the day. I'm so sorry that you have all been through this too, no matter what stage or what happened. It definitely changes you as a person and if there weren't forums like this then I don't know what I'd do.

I'm hoping the bereavement midwife will call today so there is some more support there, I also emailed ARC and asked for support from them. They replied really quickly yesterday so am sure they'll be in touch soon.

I feel like my friends don't know how to speak to me, I know they've not been through it and I think because I'm not usually an emotional person this new emotion is kinda hard to manage - for them and me both.

My milk has come in now, another painful reminder of the truth. I didn't even realise I would get my milk, but my boobs are so sore. Been putting cabbage leaves on so hopeful they will calm down soon.

I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a time warp at the minute - it seems so long ago, yet it was two days ago. I've done a lot of reevaluating of my life, sounds dramatic, but I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't enioy it, it takes me away from dd for 38 hours a week and actually, it's not worth it. I'd need another job first; but I was planning on going part time once Reuben was here anyway. I'm trying not to be rash and taking things a day at a time, but I feel like there's been a lot of realisation about what is important in my life.

We're going to buy an evergreen colourful shrub tomorrow for the garden whilst dd is at nursery for Reuben as a memorial for the garden so we have something to remember him by. I think we will get some ornaments too to put there.

Does anyone know how long I will bleed for? I've not actually bled as much as I thought but do you think I will stop for a while and then get AF? I'm not really sure what to expect, no one mentioned anything at the hospital about that or when oh and I could be intimate again - not that that's even on my mind but I just don't know the answers.

Xxx

I'm about to lose my baby due to Trisomy 18 and so I know how you're feeling.
Unfortunately, I'm no stranger to loss and the only way I can make sense of it is when I come across someone hurting and perhaps I can help if only a little.

Your friends don't know what to say. There are no words that will make you feel better right now. Even someone who has been through the exact same thing can't make you feel better.
On a cut, you can apply salve. You can take medicine for a headache. But for a heartache, there's nothing for it but time. And it works so, so slowly.
You stand there, time seeming to stand still, the tick-tock paused. But the rest of the world continues as it has, rushing around and unaware of the great loss you've had. That's how it feels for everyone and it feels so cruel.
But as time passes, you heal and get better.

You will be okay. I promise. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but believe me.
You. Will be. Okay.
Take it slow and easy. This type of wound will always be a scar upon your heart. And just like a scar, sometimes it'll hurt, pull or itch and remind you it's there. But it won't be like the pain you're feeling now.
Put one foot in front of the other and just trust that things will get better.




 
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Old Jul 14th, 2015, 13:26 PM   34
lizlemon
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I think I bled small amounts for about 4 weeks. It is gutting the milk comes in. To help dry it up do not touch your breasts whilst showering and wear a bra at night, the lack of stimulation there will dry the milk up.
Some of my friends were crap, they didn't know what to say so said nothing, that hurt and one close friend it has never been the same. I suppose this is when you find put who are the strong good friends xx



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Old Jul 15th, 2015, 15:16 PM   35
LDC
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Originally Posted by lizlemon View Post
I think I bled small amounts for about 4 weeks. It is gutting the milk comes in. To help dry it up do not touch your breasts whilst showering and wear a bra at night, the lack of stimulation there will dry the milk up.
Some of my friends were crap, they didn't know what to say so said nothing, that hurt and one close friend it has never been the same. I suppose this is when you find put who are the strong good friends xx
Thank you for the milk tips, it's bloody unfair getting it in. I'm hoping it will dry up soon although I imagine that again i will feel sad because then there is another thing gone. It's a bit like 2 of one 3 of another.




We brought our shrubs today for the garden, a blue flower and a white one. I think they'll look really pretty once they flower. We're going to try and find some ornaments tomorrow to put a few down around the plants. Nothing too much but just something to decorate and give us something to look at and remember.

My MIL came round tonight after her holiday, we had a cry together in the garden when I showed her the flowers. It was nice to speak to her and offload, we've never really had anything emotional happen but it was lovely having her here to speak to.

Xxx



 
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Old Jul 16th, 2015, 13:34 PM   36
LDC
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Thank you everyone,

I feel like my sense of time is completely warped. Everything seems so long ago but also that it was yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself that it was only Sunday.

I've still not managed to look at the pictures, but I have opened up a lot to oh and to one of my best friends which has helped me to try and not let the grief build up.

I've been focussing on our garden too and giving Reuben somewhere beautiful to rest. I'm really happy with how it looks so far.

The chaplain called today to discuss what kind of funeral we would like, I think we're going to have an individual service but the hospital plot. They also said that we can put something in Reuben's coffin so I think we're going to put in a picture of oh, dd and I and a teddy. I think I'm going to write a letter too after reading a lot of people having done this. I get a lot of comfort from thinking about it, despite the heartbreak I think the letter will bring.

The bereavement midwife also came over this evening, she was lovely. We spoke about my guilt for not seeing Reuben and she made a lot of sense about how things impact on mothers and fathers. We also spoke about us having a consultation once the PM results come but that this won't be until late October/ November time. That would be our due date

We said we wouldn't ttc until we had the PM results come through, but now this could be another 3 months it feels like a long time to wait. I know it's not...but it feels like it. I was hoping to ttc before that. Now I feel confused about it.

Xx



 
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Old Jul 16th, 2015, 15:40 PM   37
lizlemon
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We had the private funeral too but it was a cremation so we got the ashes too. It took ages to find out about what exactly was wrong with our baby (T13) we started ttc about 3 months after the loss as I was ready. I'm not sure what country you are in, we did pay for a genetic screen on is to check we did not carry mosaicism of chromosome 13. Which we didn't have. Most trisomies are completely random and should never occur for you again.
One thing we do to remember our little girl is to release a balloon each on her birthday, first year on her due date too, it's quite therapeutic xxx



 
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Old Jul 16th, 2015, 15:50 PM   38
LDC
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We had the private funeral too but it was a cremation so we got the ashes too. It took ages to find out about what exactly was wrong with our baby (T13) we started ttc about 3 months after the loss as I was ready. I'm not sure what country you are in, we did pay for a genetic screen on is to check we did not carry mosaicism of chromosome 13. Which we didn't have. Most trisomies are completely random and should never occur for you again.
One thing we do to remember our little girl is to release a balloon each on her birthday, first year on her due date too, it's quite therapeutic xxx
Oh the balloon idea is beautiful. I can see how that would be therapeutic, it's a lovely way to remember.

I'm in the UK, essentially they said we'd be referred onto genetics if it comes back as something. I do think the fluid was an isolated incident as nothing else was picked up at my additional scan and they said everything else on baby looked normal (even more heartbreaking). From what I've read, hydrocephalus is on average, a 1 in 1000 chance for the average joe. In my head I think I'd just thought once we can have intercourse again we would just see what happens and what will be will be. I kinda crave that intimacy already, but think that's more wanting to be close to my oh after everything. I don't know if I'm just being irresponsible. 3 months isn't a massively long time, it just feels like it. I kinda just wanted to go with what felt right?

Xx



 
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Old Jul 16th, 2015, 18:21 PM   39
ceve
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LDC,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.

Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!

Just a thought on that comment :-);-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...

Hugs, Cee



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Old Jul 17th, 2015, 04:48 AM   40
lizlemon
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I'm in the uk too, we lost our little girl just before Christmas 2011 and we also had to wait ages. I think her body was released about 5 weeks later and the gentetic tests came back about 3 months later. The wait is a killer. One way we found solace was to go to Rome on a mini break during half term (I was a teacher at the time) and it made me realise life can be good again xxx



 
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