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Old Jul 7th, 2015, 13:18 PM   1
LDC
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I don't know where I belong anymore


We had an appointment today following severe water on the brain found at 20 week scan. We got told today that the prognosis for baby is really not good, and that if we continue then there are likely to be further complications and extremely impaired motor skills at the very best.

Oh and I made the horrendous decision to end the pregnancy (I can't even bare to call it anything else) after having discussed this following the poor diagnosis at the 20 week scan.

I'm due in for the tablet on Thursday and the delivery on Saturday.

I don't even know how to feel. I'm so confused, I don't feel that it's fair. It's not fair to anyone.

I've bawled my eyes out and am now numb. Just waiting for the day for it all to happen.

I don't even know if we're having a girl or a boy.

I feel like a monster for making such a decision.

My oh has been wonderful and he's off work now until next week. I've called work and told them not to expect me in. I'm panicking now about work - because it's happening at 21.5 weeks I'm not covered by our maternity policy (I would be if it were 24 weeks plus) so it goes to sick leave. I can self cert for 5 days (taking me to Tuesday) but what do I do? I feel like it's an extra stress I don't need right now. I'd like to think I can't work 3 days after delivering but then I've chosen this so does that mean I can? I don't want to be racing to the drs next week after what is going to be a horrendous time to try and get a sick note.

I just want to crawl into a hole and forget.
I feel so alone xxx



 
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Old Jul 7th, 2015, 23:04 PM   2
NerdyMama
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I'm so sorry you are going through this hun I saw your other thread in gestational complications and was so hoping things would be ok... I know they have a forum here for ethical losses that may have a good support group for those who have had to make this very tough decision.



 
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Old Jul 8th, 2015, 01:50 AM   3
mummy2o
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Doctors can give you longer than a week sick notes if its for something like this. I've just had my 2nd 2nd trimester miscarriage. And no one can blame you for wanting to end the pregnancy. Only you know how you'll cope. Just take one day at a time and allow yourself to recover properly. I'm sorry your going through this, my thoughts are with you



 
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Old Jul 8th, 2015, 02:20 AM   4
Autumnflower
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My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you've had to make this decision. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Im so sorry and I wish a speedy recovery from the procedure.



 
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Old Jul 8th, 2015, 03:50 AM   5
LDC
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Thank you everyone.

It's so hard not knowing anyone who has been through anything similar.

I'm scared that I'm going to be scared of the baby. I want to hold the baby but then I'm scared of what he or she will look like. Will that be forever etched in my mind? What will they look like?

Sorry, I dont want to offend or upset anyone.

I've contacted my managers manager today who is getting in touch with HR so that's something I can forget about for a little while.

I had a dream last night that everything was ok and the drs made a big mistake and my baby was fine but I found out after I had gone through with it. Why is life so cruel.



 
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Old Jul 8th, 2015, 10:55 AM   6
Andypanda6570
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LDC View Post
Thank you everyone.

It's so hard not knowing anyone who has been through anything similar.

I'm scared that I'm going to be scared of the baby. I want to hold the baby but then I'm scared of what he or she will look like. Will that be forever etched in my mind? What will they look like?

Sorry, I dont want to offend or upset anyone.

I've contacted my managers manager today who is getting in touch with HR so that's something I can forget about for a little while.

I had a dream last night that everything was ok and the drs made a big mistake and my baby was fine but I found out after I had gone through with it. Why is life so cruel.
I gave birth at 22 weeks.I didn't want to see her at first, thank God the nurse told me to think a bit about it..I did hold her and I just fell in love, it was the most precious moment of my life.. Don't be scared, it will come naturally.. One thing I regret is not taking pictures, I should have, but that is something for you to decide.. You are not offending anyone, we all deal with this in different ways, no way is right or wrong..I wish you nothing but peace and so much love..I am thinking of you and your precious baby..I know how hard this is, I wish things like this just didn't happen Please know you are not alone..XOXOXOXOOXOXOXO I am so so so sorry



 
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Old Jul 8th, 2015, 22:38 PM   7
Jessicahide
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I am heartbroken for you, woke up thinking about you and bubz hoping everything was OK. I am so so sorry xxxx



 
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Old Jul 9th, 2015, 02:10 AM   8
Bunanie
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Hi LDC, I remember you from baby club (in threads about sleep)... Our DD are similar age...

I'm so sorry to see you here... I'm posting because I went through something similar earlier this year. I opt for terminating the pregnancy at 13weeks as poor bubba had t13. I thought I had the easiest pregnancy ever because everything seem so perfect.

The whole process was heart breaking and painful. I even broke down in front of DD, I cant forget the innocent look on her face, probably thinking why mummy is crying. But having her there makes things so much easier to cope, made me really appreciate her just being the healthy happy kid that she is...

You are not alone... Lots of hugs..
Stay strong x



 
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Old Jul 9th, 2015, 06:16 AM   9
LDC
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Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to post. I hate that so many people have had losses, but it is comforting to hear the experience of others. It's horrendous.

I've been to the hospital this morning and taken the tablet, I know the name but have chosen not to read anything about it in case I get more upset. The ladies were so lovely at the hospital - they were so understanding and made me feel like it was ok to sit and bawl my eyes out and ask questions. I just really hope that come Saturday everything happens quickly and that I can come home that night.

My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.

Andypanda thank you for sharing your experiences, our children will be similar ages when they were born. The lady today spoke about the chaplain and how they can take hand and foot prints and also photos. OH said he doesn't think that he wants to see baby, but that he will judge this on the day. I think I do want to see baby, I think he or she will look like a baby because of the gestation, I just worry that, I don't know, maybe they won't look peaceful or will be grey/blue so not look real.

Bunanie I remember you too, I could not forget your gorgeous picture of DD. my dd has definitely helped me keep going so far; she is beautiful and keeps me and Oh filled with hope. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so awful how common decisions like this are, I never had a clue before this situation. Thank you for sharing

Xx



 
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Old Jul 9th, 2015, 08:03 AM   10
Bunanie
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My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.
That! I was exactly the same. I was up and down for a while. My DH gave me peace when he reminded me that we were lucky to find out something was wrong, and given the option to end the suffering. But sometimes I just think, why me? Why us? Then I started bawling again.

As cliche as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. My original due date was 29/08, as we are getting nearer to that date, DH and I are feeling a bit emotional again but we are coping much better now.

Hope the procedure goes well, thinking of you X



 
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