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Old Feb 18th, 2016, 03:53 AM   1
biglebowski
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Loss at 14 weeks


I can't believe the last couple of weeks have happened. I feel so lost, lonely and broken.
We went for our first scan 2 weeks ago. I expected to come home with a grainy pic of a jumping bean. However the midwife advised that she had serious concerns as lo's nuchal fold was greatly enlarged at 8mm. We were immediately ushered to a room to meet with a consultant who advised the baby had a high risk of chromosome issues / heart defect. He said the hopes of a healthy baby or carrying to term were slim. We decided to have a CVS test which was arranged for the following Tuesday.
The wait was agonising and I tortured myself with google. However I still held a glimmer of hope as there were some positive stories. The CVS itself wasn't pleasant, and the Dr asked if we wanted to still go ahead as the fluid had increased and she seemed doubtful baby would survive. We had the test done and had more waiting for results.
The results came back and confirmed our worst fears. Baby had a chromosome issue. We arranged to meet with the consultant 2 days later to discuss options as pregnancy wasn't "viable" or "medically safe" for me to continue.
When we met with consultant a further scan was carried out and baby's heart was no longer beating. We were devastated. We had so many emotions as we had been preparing ourselves to make the awful decision to end the pregnancy. Consultant advised I'd have to take a tablet to stop pregnancy hormones. And then I was to retun at 8am at hospital in 2 days time to have a medically induced miscarriage. I could hardly breathe and asked if I could have a sugical procedure. He said at this stage in the pregnancy it was too risky. We left in a state of shock.
I was so scared but found an inner strength from somewhere to arrive at the hospital. I also have a 3 yr old so had to make arrangements for him so life would carry on as normal. We expectd to be away 1 night at most so arranged a "sleepover" at my mums. He was so excited and picked a Spiderman readybed. It was a welcome distraction.
We were met by a lovely midwife who discussed the procedure and also the options for baby afterwards. The 1st tablet was inserted at 9.30am. I was terrified every time I had to go to the loo as I didn't want the pregnancy to end. The torture went on for so long as I didn't have lo until 6.10pm the next evening. When I delivered lo I was so shocked and numb. The next stage is a bit of a blur as I kept passing clots but hadn't passed the placenta. A Dr was called upon and I was quickly prepped for theatre to remove the placenta and hopefully halt the bleeding. I was terrified but managed to stay calm. My OHs face was chalk white and he looked terrified so I tried to stay calm for him.
The surgery seemed to be over quickly and I was taken back to OH. He returned home after midnight to take lo to nursery and I just felt numb as nurses were in and out checking me overnight.
We met with a bereavement service on the Wednesday and received a lovely memory box that I still can't look through. We are also having an engraved heart put on the memory tree at the hospital so we can visit one day. We will receive the heart back in a year to add to our memories. She also gave us a birth certificate that we can fill out to recognise the little person we lost too quickly.
I'm home and just feel like the last 2 weeks have been a nightmare. My body is so bruised and battered, and I feel so weak from blood loss, lack of sleep and food and grief. I'm terrified to move much as I'm do scared of bleeding more and needing readmitted. I've been given a course of iron tablets so hope they work quickly. I just want to heal physically so I can try and make life normal for my son. He can't understand why I'm not getting him dressed and playing with him. My heart breaks for him, as I miss him so much.
Sorry for the long post but I had to get it out. My SIL who we see lots is also pregnant. We have only shared the pregnancy and loss with our parents so she doesn't know. Her due date is 2 days later than mine would be. I'm terrified to see her and dread her lo coming along as I'm scared I won't be able to bond with my niece or nephew. Her son is 6 months younger than mine and is such a joy, I adore him. I don't want to feel sadness or jealousy about her new baby. I'm also scared to tell her about our loss as we don't want to cause her stress but feel she needs to know as it will be so hard once she starts to show. Sorry, just so confused.



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Old Feb 20th, 2016, 13:58 PM   2
youngmamttc
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I'm so sorry Hun. My best friend gave birth 3 days before I gave birth to my Aurora. We both had little girls and it was so hard to see my goddaughter at first but now I adore seeing her and love her more than i thought I would. I find great comfort in my memory box, i hope you do to xx



 
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Old Feb 23rd, 2016, 11:33 AM   3
LDC
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Oh lovely I am so sorry for your loss. It's all so new still, please don't be too hard on yourself and take each day a step at a time and roll with any emotions you may be feeling.

Our labour stories are quite similar; I delivered my son at 21+5, also a long process and also rushed the theatre for manual removal of the placenta and severe PPH. It's so traumatic on top of everything else that is happening, I honestly remember crying as everyone was rushing around prepping me for theatre saying that on top of everything else this was so unfair. I thought I was going to die. The blood loss and your surgery trip will knock things out of you even more, and iron can take a while to kick in and make you feel slightly normal again (at least physically).

I think not looking at your memory box is normal, I know a lot of ladies that were the same, myself included. The hospital also took pictures of my son which I couldn't look at for months afterwards as I was scared of what he may have looked like on them. Like pp said, they now bring me a lot of comfort but it's all a healing process and I really believe that our bodies and minds will only let us do things that we can psychologically cope with, like a protection for ourselves I guess.

Are you from the UK? There is a wonderful charity that I would really recommend, ARC, who help those who have found abnormalities on scans. They've helped me no end.

Take care of yourself xxxx



 
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Old Feb 23rd, 2016, 12:08 PM   4
biglebowski
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Thanks so much for sharing your story, it makes me feel a bit less isolated. It's the one thing I've felt the most, really lonely and vulnerable.
I looked through the memory box yesterday and found out we had a girl. It gave me a lot more comfort than I could imagine. I've also given baby a name (just for me), which helps make her seem more real. OH has been great at taking care of our son, the house and me but we aren't really talking about what happened. He doesn't want to know baby's gender and couldn't look at the box. I certainly won't push it, he may never feel strong enough to look at it. I really worry for him as he lost his dad extremely suddenly a year and a half ago, and then his Grandad a year later. He was still grieving and then this nightmare happened. It's tough as everyone sympathises with women but men have lost their babies too.
My milk came in overnight on Saturday and it just seemed so cruel. I had a better day today as my bleeding had really eased up, and I took our son out for the first time to his swimming lesson (he goes in himself). It was lovely to spend time with him, but I'm so tired tonight. I honestly feel like an old lady!! I'm going to be kind to myself tomorrow as getting better physically is the only thing I feel in control of.
I'm so sorry to hear of your losses ladies. I'm glad there are forums like these where we can share our experiences and feelings, and feel understood.
Thanks for the info about ARC, I'll have a look at it.



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Old Feb 23rd, 2016, 15:06 PM   5
LDC
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A girl, that's wonderful I'm so glad the box gave you some comfort and now you've been able to give your daughter her own identity too which will certainly help you to create memories and gain some peace of mind.

You're completely right about men being a little forgotten about or that the focus is on us. It's so hard for them too, and I think naturally they put us first because we've had the trauma of birth and, perhaps but not always, have a connection there as we've been the ones to carry our babies. My bereavement midwife was really good with my husband after the loss and when she came to the house I would "go make cups of tea" so he had a few minutes with her alone to speak. I know he doesn't like talking with people but it was an open opportunity for him with no pressure.

I imagine your partner is also very much aware of everything after the birth too with your placenta, and that can have a big impact on them too. A little bit like us being so aware of what's happened but also being high on drugs/so tried/drained that it seems to slip by us a little easier, but they were stone cold sober watching it all. It's a scary thing, just make sure you talk. Even if it's just you unloading, there will come a time when he will too or will chip in on the conversation and add his own perspective.

I hope you're coping ok with your milk - I didn't even realise it happens and you're right it's cruel. I imagine it may ease off a little bit now but cold cabbage leaves really help xxx



 
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Old Feb 24th, 2016, 02:31 AM   6
biglebowski
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Thanks so much for your kindness LDC! I hope you and your hubby are coping after your loss. Big hugs xxx



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Old Mar 1st, 2016, 20:06 PM   7
Missys81
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So sorry. Your right about the men they don't get much support. I hope you recover soon so you can grief xx



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Old Mar 2nd, 2016, 08:12 AM   8
biglebowski
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Missys81 View Post
So sorry. Your right about the men they don't get much support. I hope you recover soon so you can grief xx
Thanks so much. I went to GP today and my recovery has gone well. No bleeding for the first time today and she said I can go swimming and start to exercise.
Im away on holiday next week to Centre Parcs. We had originally thought about cancelling but Im looking forward to spending the time as a family now. Im so pleased I can join in all the fun with my little boy. Im also going back to work tomorrow so thats a positive step. I feel better when staying busy.
We have talked about planting a tree in lo's memory in the garden. Ive also been thinking about running the half marathon next spring and donating money to Simba who made the memory box we received. It's helped to make plans and focus on the future. I still have low moments but Ive been really lucky to have fab support from family and friends.
We have decided that we won't try again for any more children. My GP said to not close the door completely but I dont think I could consider another pregnancy. I have a huge respect and admiration for the ladies who have been able to overcome their losses and try again. It takes such strength. Women are truly remarkable. Thanks to all the ladies who have sent such kind wishes xx



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Old Mar 7th, 2016, 00:48 AM   9
leylak
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Sorry for your loss. I hope you feel better soon...



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Old Mar 8th, 2016, 06:23 AM   10
laura_2010
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So sorry for your loss, I had a loss in May last year at 23 weeks but she was only 20 weeks measuring as she had a chromosome issue.
She was not Viable and I had to deliver her, we had been given a memory box too put buts inside but still now I cannot believe what happend.
Hear if you need a chat xxx



 
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