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Old Aug 26th, 2016, 22:49 PM   1
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Baby Luke

I had no intentions of getting pregnant. My husband and I were separating, even moved to different apartments. But somehow we ended up always hanging out, and usually that lead to welll.... anyways, we had an oops. 2 days before my ovulation day. I knew it. I knew id be pregnant. I tried to ignore it but the night before my period was supposed to start i decided to take a test. And there it was. 2 very pink lines. Over the next week i took about 10 tests. I was upset, This was not an ideal situation for a new baby.
After a few weeks, My husband and I decided to get back together and began making plans for baby number 3. I was convinced itd be another baby girl. But at 13 weeks 2 days we found out he was a boy i cried. We bought a little brother onesie and told everyone. We started planning our starwars nursery. We were so excited. Everything was lining up and falling into place. Around 14ish weeks my severe morning sickness vanished, i thought nothing of it, just relieved.
19 Aug at 15 weeks 2 days we went for another private ultrasound to confirm the gender. Right away i knew something was wrong. He was curled up into a tight little ball. The technician wasnt talking. She turned off the music and said "I'm so sorry you guys but im not getting a heartbeat, I'm going to have to refer you to the ER or to your dr." I burst into tears.
My husband grabbed our girls and rushed us outside. I picked up my 17 month old and held her crying. I felt like the world was moving in slow motion. I called my parents on the way to the ER, and My mom prayed for us over the phone. I remember thinking why would God give me another miracle?
When we got to the ER i had to wait an hour before i was finally seen. The dr did an ultrasound and also could not find a heartbeat. They sent me for a formal ultrasound but i had to wait another hour because it was after hours and they had to call in a technician. At first i refused to look at the screen, But I knew it may be the last time i saw him. So i watched her zoom in on his little heart at every angle she could. Watched as she recorded silence and a flat line, confirming no heartbeat. I went numb.
My dr showed up (also pregnant, about 2 or 3 weeks further than i was) and gave me my options. I knew i wanted to deliver him instead of d&c. I chose to do it in hospital, i didnt want to have that memory in the house. Didnt want my girls to see or hear. On the way home all i said was "I want to name him Luke."
All day Saturday i laid around and cried, holding my belly and asking God why. Its like it washes over you in waves. My mom and sister drove down 12 hours from Oregon to take care of my girls.
Sunday my husband and I went to the hospital. I was checked in to the same room i gave birth to my last baby girl in! I requested another ultrasound, one last time to be sure, and the dr was so sweet. She continued to look at him until i was ready to start. She asked me what my sons name was and told me he was in Heaven. I didnt feel anything from the first set of tablets they put in. I had another dose 3 hours later. At one point my husband went to get a drink and left the door open, I heard newborn babies crying. I lost it. He came back and i was curled into a ball crying you left the door open.
Soon the contractions started and i wad given morphine.
Another hour and there was intense pain and i was bleeding. One hard push and pop. Water broke and He was out. I was sobbing. They gave him to me on one of the pads. He fit in both my hands, tiny but perfect. His face looked like his sister Katies....and he was smiling.
We chose not to do an autopsy. We are having him cremated and should recieve his ashes this week. We bought a box to put his ultrasound pictures and the onsie we bought him. I have a pregnancy test i want to put in there along with my hospital band, though that may sound strange.
I sit here playing peekaboo with my 17 month old (a miracle rainbow baby) and im so grateful for her and her sister. But this is hard. Unbearably hard. Because you know what sucks the most about miscarriage? After a few days, everyone around you is over it. They keep right on. So they expect you to be over it. To just go back to how you were before. Problem is, im not that person and i dont know how to do that.

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Old Aug 29th, 2016, 13:55 PM   2
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I can't imagine what you are going through. I just want to say I am sorry for your loss.

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Old Aug 30th, 2016, 09:59 AM   3
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I am so sorry for your loss xx

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Old Aug 30th, 2016, 10:18 AM   4
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Im so sorry x

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Old Aug 30th, 2016, 10:30 AM   5
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I'm so sorry for your loss x

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Old Aug 30th, 2016, 11:51 AM   6
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Thoughts are with you and your family xxx

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Old Aug 30th, 2016, 14:00 PM   7
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I'm so sorry for your loss. It will get easier in time I promise, but a little bit of you will always be sad because you'll never forget. Big hugs to you.

"I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today,
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with up you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one."


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Old Aug 30th, 2016, 20:41 PM   8
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Dolly bird that poem is lovely, thank you.

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Old Aug 31st, 2016, 09:47 AM   9
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I'm very sorry for your loss hugs xxx

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Old Aug 31st, 2016, 10:23 AM   10
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I'm so very sorry hun, sending many hugs to you and your family xxx

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baby , luke

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