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Old Oct 23rd, 2016, 08:28 AM   1
millianaire
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everyone told me i would be safe......


A week ago today i lost my baby boy nathan.

i went into hospital with what i was told a kidney infection on saturday night, and came out on wednesday without a baby.... It all happened so fast , two days they werent worried about my pregnancy they didnt monitor nathan or scan me until they scanned my liver and baby at the same time and realised their was not enough fluid around him, he died 4 hours later..... 20+3 but stopped growing at 17weeks.
so many questions no answers real pain i gave birth i held him, i took photos, i christened him and blessed him, took prints i sang to him, i had him with us for the night. I done everything and the pain is still there, i gave him the best send off i could when i say i i mean we, my partner was there the whole time.
my partner wants to try again when we get the all clear i dont know if i can do labour again or anxiety of pregnancy this was our 1st naturally pregnancy after 5 miscarried clomid attempts.... im mentally and physically exhaused and running to thailand on saturday for three weeks to distract myself waiting for postmortem am i crazy?
please tell me this pain gets easier, my sister in law is a benefit bum and she is due in decemember how am i going to cope with a newborn as my partner wants her here for xmas?
someone please tell me how im suppose to feel and why im fine one minute and wanting to take my own life the next just to be with my baby boy again... why am i not crying all the time why am i shopping for clothes? i printed out all the photos yesterday as if it was another normal day... i want to speak to people about him and show him off but no one will every understand what my baby boy looks like in my eyes he would look like an alien to everyone else... he was so tiny but fully formed all fingers and toes

my life feels like its not worth living right now i want him back i want answers but i dont want answers because i know someoone somewhere has messed up i know i had an infection and they did not catch it or treat it but what do i do to prove it how can i fight doctors and hospitals for neglect so that no one else has to suffer through my pain... im so sorry for everyone elses losses im being so selfish i just want time to go back to when i was 17 weeks please can someone make that happen?



 
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Old Oct 23rd, 2016, 08:48 AM   2
BunnyN
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So sorry for what you are going through. I know there are no words now that I can say that will make it all better. It will always hurt but in time the hurt wont be as overwhelming. I hope there will be some moments with your little boy you can remember with fondness. Did you give him a name? I am sure the photos of him are beautiful. We have a scan picture done at 10 weeeks of the baby we lost. It was so perfectly formed, just with no heartbeat. I still wish I could show that picture off like a proud mother but somehow it just feels awkward and strange. It is a comfort to have it though.



 
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Old Oct 23rd, 2016, 09:58 AM   3
Myshelsong
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First off I am so so sorry this happened to you. There are no words that will make this any better, and I am sorry for that too. The only thing that has helped me just wrap my brain about our loss, was to read about other people's losses as well. Just knowing that I was not alone, that someone did understand the grief and heartache I was feeling. It didn't turn those feelings off, but for some morbid reason made it sting less, Let me cry it out with those other mothers as I felt their grief I felt mine.

So here is my story. We tried for over five years to get pregnant, did 6 medicated IUI's and an IVF cycle and too our amazement I got a double line. First time in my life I was pregnant, it was a miracle. We were so happy until we weren't. It was a routine ultrasound, we had just had one done two weeks prior but we're moving onto an OB and they wanted one for their records. So at 21 weeks we got the horrible news that our son had passed in the womb, and it looked like it happened about a week prior. I had no complication or complaints, no cramps or discharge. My body had no clue. I have never felt so betrayed in my life, what did I do, what did I miss?

I was induced and gave birth to our little guy the next day and said goodbye a few hours later. My husband couldn't bring himself to see him, so it was just me in the room with our angel. I didn't take any pictures, but I did get his foot and hand prints in a little box. We have his ashes and memory box on my bedside table and I have had a few days where I clutch the box and scream and cry into the room about how unfair it all is.

The one thing to remember is that this is a trauma, your body not only is going through postpartum hormones but it is grieving your baby. It is going to be awhile until you feel like a human being again. It is ok to be pissed and angry and sad and depressed at the same time, but if you are feeling like you are down so low life has no meaning anymore I would suggest a grief counsellor. Talk to your partner about how you feel. Write it down, start a journal.

I am so very very sorry for your loss, if you would like to talk privately just message me.



 
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Old Oct 23rd, 2016, 13:00 PM   4
millianaire
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thankyou


wow what amazing replies,

thankyou so much for sharing your stories, i was so mad and sad when i wrote my post it all just seems so surreal, it all happened so fast and there are just so many unanswered questions and a long time to wait for the postmortem.
my little boy nathan had the best send off we could give him and we have all the memories we could of done with him, i have heard many stories out of the wood work since my tragic event but the problem is it will never take away my loss, i feel so sad for other stories and for anyone who has had full term losses i probably wouldnt be able to cope that far. my partner is a superhero i couldnt put one foot infront of the other if it wasnt for him.

i am very lucky to have a great support system that will get me through it but right now i sit here and feel like i dont want to get through it i want to go back in time and change it to make t better, everyone kept saying to me to stop worrying i got past the 12 week mark the chances and next to nothing but i guess im one of the very unlucky ones, if i ever get pregnant again im not sure if i could cope properly with the amount of anxiety i have, not only does my body have to get over the traumatic effect labour left on my body my body and mind i also mourning the death of my baby so many things to try and 'get over' before i can move on

im so sorry for everyone else losses i wish this never happened to us but apparently god has a plan for us all or hes playing a sick game not sure which one yet.
i just wish i knew my baby was safe and happy now from the suffering i feel he was in inside me due to stopping grow at 17 weeks but still fighting to 20 weeks

my love and thoughts to you all

G x



 
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Old Oct 24th, 2016, 09:42 AM   5
Twag
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I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Nathan there are no words that will make this better for you just wanted to send you some



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Old Oct 24th, 2016, 09:50 AM   6
OnErth&InHvn
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Why are you feeling that way and is it normal? Yes its VERY normal!! Grief makes you do "crazy" things. There will be moments of crying, anger, normalcy. There will be moments when you spit fire at other people for your loss. There will be moments you dont want to get out of bed.

YOU WILL MAKE IT THOUGH.

ETA: You dont have to " get over" anything. No one should make you feel that way. Its also ok to have anxiety about a new pregnancy.



 
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Old Oct 24th, 2016, 19:59 PM   7
klabro
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First of all I wan to say I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that all of the emotions are completely normal and your grief will continue to change every day. Some days I really felt how I did before any of it happened and some days I was a mess crying at anything and everything. It is all normal.
I delivered my twins alive at 21 weeks because my cervix thinned out. There was absolutely nothing wrong with them and it was heartbreaking. The only thing that helps heal is time. As for the anxiety of another pregnancy, it is very real. I am 18 weeks into my pregnancy after the loss now and I can tell you that I do feel joy, but it is harder to connect. The innocence of a first problem free pregnancy is gone. However, with each week that passes I feel a little better. Just give yourself time. You may not be ready right now, but in time you will start to think about pregnancy again and it wont sound so awful, or at least the fear wont seem so overwhelming anymore. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I'm here if you ever need to talk.



 
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Old Oct 26th, 2016, 15:52 PM   8
Left wonderin
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy , I'm sure he was beautiful xxxxxxx



 
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Old Oct 26th, 2016, 17:39 PM   9
Ashaford
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is something I wish no one had to endure.

I went into labor at 16w5d. I had a very large subchorionic hematoma that my doctor didn't take seriously. She just kept saying "lots of women have them and have healthy babies." What she didn't say was that the bigger they are the more likely you will go into pre-term labor. I landed in the ER with contractions and lots of bleeding on a Sunday. My doctor was out of town. The ultrasound showed our little boy was doing just fine. Plenty of fluid, moving and kicking, and a healthy heartbeat. 4 hours later I delivered him, still in his amniotic sac. He was still alive but for some reason my body just couldn't hold onto him.

This all happened in May. My husband was at a loss. I was just sad all the time. I couldn't be around pregnant women or even friends with small children. It took 4 months for me to feel like myself again. My little boy's due date is Friday - Some of those feelings are coming back. Why me? Why him?

All that to say - It gets better. the pain never goes away but it just gets more manageable. My sister sent me this quote from the movie The Rabbit Hole. It holds true today. I still carry him with me and it's fine.



Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda... not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.



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Old Oct 26th, 2016, 20:18 PM   10
Myshelsong
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashaford View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is something I wish no one had to endure.

I went into labor at 16w5d. I had a very large subchorionic hematoma that my doctor didn't take seriously. She just kept saying "lots of women have them and have healthy babies." What she didn't say was that the bigger they are the more likely you will go into pre-term labor. I landed in the ER with contractions and lots of bleeding on a Sunday. My doctor was out of town. The ultrasound showed our little boy was doing just fine. Plenty of fluid, moving and kicking, and a healthy heartbeat. 4 hours later I delivered him, still in his amniotic sac. He was still alive but for some reason my body just couldn't hold onto him.

This all happened in May. My husband was at a loss. I was just sad all the time. I couldn't be around pregnant women or even friends with small children. It took 4 months for me to feel like myself again. My little boy's due date is Friday - Some of those feelings are coming back. Why me? Why him?

All that to say - It gets better. the pain never goes away but it just gets more manageable. My sister sent me this quote from the movie The Rabbit Hole. It holds true today. I still carry him with me and it's fine.



Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda... not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you all the love this Friday.
Thank you so much for this quote, it is beautiful.



 
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