Hi ladies,

I feel like such an idiot but I had to bail from work last night. Some of you will know I work p/t in a restaurant, just a wee place (so nowhere to hide), alone (the other staff are downsatirs in the kitchen and shop/cafe).

I've been dreading the day someone comes in who saw me before and says "Oh have you had your baby?"

So it finally happened last night - it was a guy, who had been really nice before and I managed to hold it together when I told him that yes, unfortunately I'd had twins and they came too early to survive. He said "Oh sorry to hear that" Good start. I wish he'd left it there, but you know what's coming, don't you? Yip, he added "never mind, you can have another."

Well, I managed to hold it together somehow to finish fixing his drinks and get out the back door before I lost it. I had to go downstairs to get a tissue which meant running through the kitchen so my co-workers all saw me making a prat of myself. The chef is really nice and sent one of the other girls upstairs to take over. I got myself together to go back up but she offered to do the rest of my shift as downstairs was shutting up anyway, so I let her. I felt really bad doing that but I just couldn't handle serving that guy again.

If I was anywhere else I would point out how offensive that was to say, so he doesn't ever say it to someone else, but I can't do that at work. I hate working there, I want to leave but can't afford to and am not in a space to look for new work, do interviews etc. It's ridiculous, I'm a qualified jeweller and I'm waitressing but it fitted in with our lives and school etc. I have to do my next shift on Sunday night, I'm dreading it now more than ever.

It's something I'll need to get used to, how have you all managed it? I realised that it was the first time I'd had to explain it to someone who didn't already know, except for my family, friends and boss when it first happened. Every one else I've spoken to about it already knows so it's digfferent. I was quite proud of how well I handled it until he said that.

Being in a restaurant as well, I was kinda minimalising it to make him more comfortable and that makes me feel awful, like I'm playing down the boys' importance to us to keep others happy. it feels so wrong but I can't lay it on thick to customers, they'd never come back.

Oh God, what am I going to do? Is anyone else working in the public and have you any tips?

xxx

sorry, I can't give you any advice, I haven't been brave enough to go back to work yet (going back in November), and luckily for me, when I do, it's not with members of the public! However, I do work in a big company, where I interact with lots of people, so I'm sure the same thing will happen to me at some point - a lot of people knew I was pregnant.

I know that we have to put on our 'I'm okay' brave face when we are at work, and try to be professional, but, at the end of the day, we are human beings who have been through a heartbreaking time, so there's bound to be moments where you break down. Sounds like you handled it pretty well until he came out with one of the stock 'stupid comments'.

Don't beat yourself up, and don't think you have let your sons down either...unfortunately I think there are just times where we have to downplay what has happened to us, your sons know you love them lots and thats all that counts xxx

Oh, that sounds rotten, I'm sorry to hear that. It's amazing that people can be so insensitive, but like you say, you probably slightly downplayed it when you told him because you had no choice given the situation, and unfortunately he totally misread it and made a terrible comment. Nothing quite prepares you for those kind of moments, and in work it's even harder.

I'm hoping to go back to work next week, and I work with the public. My colleagues have been great and I'm actually looking forward to being around them, but members of the public can be so unpredictable. Thankfully no one outside of work knew about my pregnancy, but the nature of my job means that people can come in and talk about very personal, very emotive subjects, and I am going to have to be very much on my guard.

And speaking of downplaying....When we lost the baby on the Saturday, obviously my husband was off work all week after that, but later during the week he took a work related phone call off one of his clients, who obviously knew nothing of the situation. The guy on the phone was doing all the normal small talk chit chat and said 'how was your weekend? Have a good one?' Obviously he wasn't expecting a real answer, and this was a business call, and my husband had no choice but to say 'fine' which made him feel terrible. Sometimes the most throwaway dumb 'how are you' type questions are the worst, because you have to give a false answer. I wish people wouldn't ask stuff like that when they have no interest in the answer.

Hopefully the dumb questions will get fewer as time goes on. I hope when you go back to work things are a little easier for you.

Aww I work with the public over the phone so I never had to explain to them what happen and all my family, friends, and coworkers all knew I lost her So I couldnt give you any advice but to stay strong girl

I am here if you want to talk

I hate when that happens, i don't work but I know how it feels and people really don't mean to be offensive, they just don't realize
I probably would have teared up and left, I would not even waste my time correcting people anymore, I am just so sick of doing that.
I hope tomorrow is a better day, I am so sorry this happened.
XOXOOXO

Hi Girlie

I am terribly sorry you had to encounter that ... It is absolutely awful... and what's more terrible, you are stuck there....

I took off work for about 6 weeks and do thankful I did, I honestly wasn't ready then but had to... When I did return, I worked in a local doctor's office, the kind that everyone knows everyone...patients know staff and staff knows patients... Yea, it was nice but not once I returned ... While I was off work, all the patients noticed I wasn't there and started asking where I was, so staff asked me if it was ok to tell them a tiny bit just to prepare them all for when I did return it might help...so I agreed, sounded like a great idea... and it was, it did help, SOME .. Most of the patients didn't know and when they seen me for the first time and they seen my baby bump was gone, they had a puzzled look on their faces and asked every freakin' time... It got to be everyday having to explain that I did have Emma but she was too tiny to make it... Needless to say, I quit! I actually quit my job to take more college classes but the timing was perfect, I needed to get out of there... I have been going to college part time, just a few classes here and there and working full time but last month we made the decision to get me out of there.... It has helped tremendously!!! It was pretty much everyday I would have to run to the bathroom while I fell apart all over again by someones comment, by seeing a preg lady or a baby! That was the worst.. then once I was a teeny bit better about seeing babies and preg ladies my co-workers , trying to help me, bless them, was making it worse, cuz as soon as a patient would walk in with a baby, everyone's eye's about popped out of their heads and ran to find me to hide me away to save me from the pain...but that got out of control... I felt like a 3 ring circus ....

I am so thankful to be home, just going to school where no one knows ME and my story... Think that is why I hide from everyone... Tried of THAT look, or hearing the "I'm sorry's" ....

I'm sorry I just exploded on your page... LOL...Wheww... It just breaks my heart, I felt your pain you felt that night at work... I know exactly how you felt that night... I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy ...

Thanks, girls! I really do wish I could quit, maybe I should get my sh*t together and try to get a proper job anyway. The thing is, this is a beautiful place, but quite small and there aren't many jobs around. The ones that are are mostly in hospitality of some sort. we have no family to support us for childcare either so that's why I was working at night, but it is depressing having to work through all the school holidays etc and DD never even getting away camping with us, so I was sooo looking forward to getting mat leave and getting out of there, so it's doubly depressing now.

Oh Kam, I don't know how you were able to explain it again and again like that - it's my biggest fear. It must have been hellish. I was off for about 6 weeks as well, I only went back a few weeks ago, then got a virus so was off again for about a week and it's been quiet, with not many locals in so it's been quite anonymous really and OK. I've still been struggling with keeping eveything in check while I'm there - it's exhausting - and breaking down afterwards but I've been feeling like I was making progress until now. I'm glad it's resulted in a positive life-change for you. I was hoping the same for me but the time off for us both (poor DH only got a week off after we came back but he was down at hospital with me for the week after the rupture as well, it's in a different place, 4 hours away from home, then stayed with his Mum down there, did the wee funeral thing and all that so 3 weeks lost wages & self employed so no help) and having to buy clothes/toothbrushes/toiletries etc etc for us all (we were all choppered to hospital as the roads were closed with snow) seems to have eaten our entire savings so no-go at the moment. DH didn't want me to go back but I did the sums and I had to, it's depressing. We have a shed on our land that is supposed to become my jewellery workshop but it needs power to go to it and stuff like that costs a fortune here. I was hoping to save to get it put in but on my crappy wages it's never gonna happen, it's such a catch22.

Hellylou, I hope your work is fine and I hope I've not put you off! Unfortunately because I was carrying twins, it was unmissable that I was pregnant from very early on, so most folk outwith my co-workers did notice and I was being asked about it all the time before I lost them so it was bound to happen. I hope your work goes well, it can feel like something achieved, something else conquered.

I'm also just secretly hoping I get pregnant again before I get another job and get the maternity pay I didn't get to claim this time, so i feel i need to stick it out, but being on my feet all night and rushing around may well have contributed to the membrane rupture so if I do get pregnant again I would want to leave immediately anyway (especially if there is any cervical shortening/funnelling) so would lose my rights to maternity pay from the government (it's a tax credit thing you get here, not paid by the employer), so maybe I should look for something else. I think you are entitled to pay if you've been with the employer 6 months by birth, but you only get your job held for you if you've been there a year - I wouldn't want this one back anyway. Argggg! I'm so confused, sorry for the ramble. I think I've just talked myself into trying to get a new job, haven't I??!! I've become so nervy thoough, I don't know how I'd push myself forward for an interview, I'm crap at them at the best of times!!

Thanks all for listening and replying, sorry again for rambling on...

xxx

I understand the "secretly hoping to just become pregnant" ...

Me and Bill have talked and we both have decided we want to wait to TTC again, IF we do at all...but lately, I have had this deep {hidden} desire to TTC ...NOW!!!!

I know, realistically, I have to wait...should wait... need to wait...but can't shake these thoughts and wants...

I feel like I can NOT bring this topic up with Bill anymore, ecspecially right now... Crap, I just quit my job LOL.. but just wish these thoughts and feelings would just leave me alone...

I feel so bad for you dear.... You and your family have been thru a LOT... Your guy is self employed too, mine is and I know how you feel about that... It's not like a "normal" dependable paycheck is it...

Sounds like you live in a nice lil town, I live in a medium sized city, not a fan... we are looking to move out in the country a bit eventually... well, once I get done with school ....

Big Hugs Sweets... Take care friend

I know it's a primal urge, isn't it?! How long have you got to go with your course, if you're doing it full-time? Can you make a plan at least? I think that would help, if you could work towards something, then say, we may TTC again after this and this. It's so scary though.

I have 1 more year, for first degree I'm after...then goal is to keep going another 2 years after that... Dunno if I'll make it tho to be honest... All I'm thinking at the moment... Finish this last year, get working and make a baby! LOL... Coo Coo ...

Primal Urge... Very well put my friend!