Part of me wants to get stronger but the other part of me is just gone I have been crying ALL day and it wont stop for me, why? I can sit here and type to everyone in need and say it gets better but why isn't it getting better for me?
Why do I miss her so much why am i always angry and fighting with my family, why can't i just accept she is gone and move on, why? I can't sleep i dream every night sometimes good sometimes bad, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!
Nobody understands me so what is the point in talking to people in my everyday life, there is no support or understanding just telling me to move on and I can't, why am I still stuck, why?

I am so scared if I do get pregnant and lose this child it will break me and I will leave this earth
that I am sure of. I feel so helpless, I want her back I want to hold her and love her and dress her and feed her.

I really feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown, I try so hard for my 11yr old to keep myself together but he knows he hears me cry every night.
I am afraid that if I don't get better i am not going to make it, I am so lost, i just want my baby back...

I will tell you what someone wise me. It is okay to let her go, and it is okay to say goodbye. She will always be with you, but you need to live, and you need to heal, and part of that is letting go. It is so hard, and seems nearly impossible, but you cannot live your life ruled by this grief, and sorrow. Ava would not have wanted that for you. So as sad as it is, it is time to say goodbye. I am so sad for you, because I know your pain, and I dont think it ever fully goes away, but it will get better, if you let it. Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for you. I am thinking of you.

I think Jenni's said it way better than I could have, hon. You need to give yourself permission to let it go, to let her go. She will always be in your heart but you don't need to punish yourself forever, she would want you to live until you meet again. I don't want to be another one of those people telling you to move on, as I don't think there's a worse phrase to make you feel like you are leaving your wee girl behind and I don't think that's what happens - I think she'll travel your journey with you and she will long to see you smile again.

You're right, you are always there for others, you need to listen to yourself, you are such a brilliant person, Andrea, so kind and thoughtful. The world would be a lot worse a place without you in it, hon. I hope you can get past this darkness soon and try for your rainbow, you can do this and it's OK to do this, she would want a wee sister or brother to watch over with you. xxx

Andrea I have been right where you are now, and this is why I am off work again - it comes and goes in waves for me. At the weekend I felt like there really was no point and I didn't want to carry on. Those thoughts are frightening. People may not understand, but talk to them. Talk to us. Talk and talk until those thoughts are released because they eat you up from the inside.

It is and will always be very painful, and Jenni has said it perfectly. All I will add is just remember what that lady said to you that day. Ava is ok, and your prayers are being heard. Hold on to that, and one day you will find some level of acceptance of all this. It's the hardest thing in the world to accept, but you will find a way to live with it, and find some peace. We are all here with you.

Thank you SO much, you all are the wise ones. I feel like I type here and I do mean what i say to everyone, but in the meantime I am not moving on like I am telling people they will do in time., It has been 9 months and let me tell you not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wonder what she would look like. I have very thick hair and I just know she would have had my thick dark hair and my husbands light blue eyes. Ava meant so much to me and loosing her has just killed me and my spirit and I really don't think my family (All boys)have no idea of not only the pain I am in but the enormity of it, how could they , they are boys. I am not saying men don't feel this pain, but it is our bodies these precious lives are coming out of . I never believed it when people said a part of their being, soul heart was missing I mean i knew they were in pain but my God how true it is, your just broken and never to be whole again. I would not wish this pain on the devil himself.
I Love You All SO Much, So Much

Andrea darlin, I am so sorry that you/we have to go through this. I wish you were beside me- I would give you the biggest hug ever.

Ava was and still is a part of you and it so normal for you to miss her like this. She was going to be your little princess after having 3 boys. Ava really would want you to get better and I truly believe that Ava sent that woman to you because she wanted you to know that she is ok and that she wants you to get better. She would not like for you to have thoughts about being with her right now. She knows that one day you will be with her and you will spend eternity with her and I bet she would say to you "Mommy now is not the time, now is the time for you to be with my brothers and my Daddy. One day God will decide when it is your time to be with me but right now I am happy here with God and my angel friends and I want you to be happy too."

Feeling better does not mean that you love or miss Ava any less because the intensity of your love for her and how much you miss her will always be immense. Do you remember how positive you felt when that woman said them things to you? You were so positive, you truly believed that it was a sign from Ava that she was ok.

I really hope you can find it in yourself to accept that Ava is happy where she is right now and I hope you can find a way out of this terrible grief that engulfs you. You are such an amazing, thoughtful person and I hate that you are going through this. Massive hugs my good friend.

Thank you Ya know I kept and keep thinking back to that encounter and I say to myself how can I sit here and cry and be so selfish in the sense how many people can say that a total stranger came up to them and said that??????? How many ? She just kept looking at me and I knew that look was her debating if she should approach me and I thank God she did. I should be more grateful , I feel very selfish.
I just want my life back, I want to be whole again. I just miss her so much , thank you for being such a good friend to me

Andrea,
I don't think I could ever find any better words to comfort you, than what has been said already, everyone else has said it all so perfectly and I completely agree with everything above.
You mean so much to me, to all of us here, and of course to your husband and sons, and Ava would never want you to leave everyone to be with her, she will watch down on you, a perfect angel, until the time you meet again. Keep hanging onto your encounter with that woman, remember she said that Ava told you she was okay, and that she wants you to be happy...try and remember that, always, I remember how good you told us you felt that day. read back that thread, if you need a reminder of that feeling.
love you xx

I love you too, so much.. Thanks...

My dearest friend,
First of al i want to give you a big hug. I wish i can do it in person or atleast give you a call, but i am stll away. Here is the virtual one though. I know its easily said then done, but we all have our moments ! *Think of it as a good sign, a sign that her memory is kept alive . You have to be strong , strong for Ava because she would not want you to be sad. She sent you a wonderfull message a week ago , because she loves you and feels how much you love her. Its okay to be sad, but at the same time you have to be strong!

Your family *is not suppose to understand this, they are " allients" when it come to this issue Its really hard to accept this, but after some time its not worth to try to explain or mske thm feel the pain that you are expriencing.What is important is that *you have connection to ava and that you can feel each othe. She def feels the warm of your heart, even though she is not physicaly with you. She is very proud of you, but wants you to be able to continue and be the best mom to her siblings.

I am sorry, i got to run for breakfast with family

I will call as soon as i come back on sunday! Lots of love!