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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 02:44 AM   1
Miss Mitch
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The 'chit chat' thread


Hello everyone,

I hope this is allowed, I thought I would start a thread where we can all come onto whenever we want to and have a general talk/chat about how we're feeling and updates on our progress. I know there is a general chatter area, but (thankfully) most of those ladies havent suffered a 2nd tri loss. I'll start....

I'm Tayla, i'm 22 years old, and we lost our darling Olivia at 21 weeks on 18th January. We are still waiting for her post mortem results, and it feels like its taking forever.

Today, I feel......lost? I feel nothing, like it didn't happened to me and its some distant memory that i'm trying to forget. I'm sure tomorrow, i'll be feeling completely different, as my emotions are so up and down, like a rollercoaster.

I hope you will all get involved, have a great day and love to all xxxx

Tayla (Miss Mitch) - Olivia Tracy Gibbard, born at 21+5 weeks - 19th January 2012
Anouska (WILSMUM) - Angel Baby, born at 18+1 weeks - 10th March 2012
Lisa (dancareoi) - Angel Baby, born at 13-14 weeks - 12th January 2012
Zoe (yellowyamyam) - Baby CocoPop, born at 16+5 weeks - 19th December 2011



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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 04:12 AM   2
mhazzab
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Hi Tayla (I love your name!). I'm so sorry to hear about your angel Olivia.

I hope you don't mind me joining in, I'm not in here as much as I used to be but still pop in.

A bit about myself. I'm Mhairi, I'm 32 and am mummy to gorgeous twin angels, Eve and Megan who were born too soon at 23w last June.

My world crashed apart the day they died. I spent weeks in disbelief, blaming myself and wishing for this all to be a bad dream. Slowly I came to accept that they were angels forever now, and I truly believe that my acceptance came thanks to the support from the amazing ladies in here.
Eve and Megan's story is in my signature, I never got a reason for my premature labour but was possibly due to it being twins. It took 8 weeks for all our test results to come back and it seemed like forever.

In the first few days after losing them I swore I would never put myself through that again. But it didn't take long to be obsessed with TTC again. I bled for 14 weeks after birth but as soon as it stopped (after my second AF) we tried again. We were amazingly lucky and I got my BFP two days after my twins' due date. My little rainbow is due five days after its big sisters' first birthday and I think they will be delighted with the present.
This pregnancy is hard but I have to believe it will work out. I am desperate to be a mummy with a baby to hold. The consultants and midwives have been fantastic and are holding my hand through this pregnancy, despite the fact they have no medical concerns and don't believe I will have the same problem again, I have had a lot of extra care which I have been told is primarily for my own sanity!

The first few weeks and months after losing a much loved and wanted baby (or two in my case) are like being on a rollercoaster, like you say Tayla. All i can say is this is normal and it does get better with time even though it feels like it never will. There are so many emotions to deal with. It's important to keep to talking to your partner or a friend or the ladies in here who know exactly what it feels like. I could write so much more about my journey from broken mess to where I am today but I won't bore you all! If ever anyone wants to ask me anything feel free to PM me.
Xxx



 
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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 04:24 AM   3
Miss Mitch
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Thank you for sharing Mhairi I'm sorry for your losses, but i'm sure they are guiding you every step of the way through this rainbow xx It is such a rollercoaster, sometimes I randomly burst into tears when I think of her, or I can talk openly with friends about her with a smile, or I can talk to a stranger such as a doctor or nurse and feel overwhelming emotion, or today I can think of her and feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I think my brain gets to the point some days where it literally blocks all emotion cause it just cannot take it for that chosen day? I so want to try again, but my bloods came back positive for antobodies so they think I may have crest syndrome which I really hope I don't xxx



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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 04:51 AM   4
Andypanda6570
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Hi girls.. What a great thread..
My name is Andrea,, (Adriana) and I have 3 boys 20 18 and almost 12. I got pregnant by total accident in October 2010. I was in total shock and so was my husband, but I was so happy . I remember feeling my belly before I had a belly and just talking to my little peanut and thinking I am so blessed you have come into my life Everything was going fine , her heartbeat was picked up at 7 weeks it was 192 every sonogram was fine and I thought everything would be fine, I was oblivious to being 40 and maybe having higher risks. It was 10 yrs. since I had a baby , I didn't even realize I would need Amnio, I was just blind , I guess.

Went in for my Amnio at 20 weeks and before they do the amnio they do a sonogram and when they did the sonogram the machine started to light up everywhere and the girl ran out of the room, I still sat there not thinking anything was wrong? Why didn't I react and realize something was wrong? My best friend was with me and she ran out and after the girl screaming what is happening, I kept saying everything is fine she just probably needed to get something It seemed like forever until a doctor came in and picked up the machine and started the sonogram again , then that look , I will never forget it He said I am so sorry there is no heartbeat. I said WHAT, i just got a sonogram 10 days ago I was fine the baby was fine. I was in complete denial I just screamed and cried. I then had to go to my doctor who confirmed it , now I know what that word devastation really means He told me I had to get a D&E cause the baby was to big for a D&C. This was a Monday and they could not prepare me for the procedure till Thursday and then Friday perform the procedure. I had to stay here for 3 days with this life inside me, my child, dead. I just went home and cried and cried. My SIL was also pregnant at the time she was 8 weeks behind me and I didn't know at the time the flood of emotions that would follow me after loosing Ava, i could not even see my SIL ..
Went in that Thursday for the procedure and they put what they call seaweed sticks up you, it expands the cervix and get it ready for the D&E. I didn't know what A D&E was at the time and nobody was telling me, I just thought they take the baby out and that is it, was I wrong... I am still upset that even my best friend didn't tell me, she said at first she thought I knew then she figured out I didn't know and she didn't have the heart to tell me, she said they would have explained it before i had it done in the hospital.
Google became my best friend, when I found out what they exactly do I could not go through it, I just couldn't. It was my body my child and she would come into this world my way. I felt the contractions and I refused to go to the hospital, I had her in my bathroom, my labor was maybe 30 minutes. March 3rd 2011 my beautiful Ava Sofia was born . I went to the hospital and we held her and we told her how much we loved her and wanted her . This was the daughter I never in a million years thought I would ever have and now she is gone Something inside me died along with her and I still can't get it back, I will always be broken, always.

I longed my whole life for a daughter for that bond and now it was taken from me, from us both. I have been in mourning ever since. I could not see anyone especially my SIL, i was petrified of seeing her , she also had 3 boys older and only got pregnant cause I did, now I had nothing and she had a baby to look forward too,. On April 18th my husband called me and said Ann my sister lost the baby I was in total shock she was only 36 and she was 16 weeks. She choose to get the D&E which is fine it was her choice, just wasn't mine. Now 1 year later we both have not gotten pregnant and I just don't think I want to be. I did try for a bit but now I am going to be 42 in June and I just feel like I have so much against me and if this happened again to me, I don't think I would get through it. We buried Ava on 3/11/2011 and I go to her grave all the time and just talk to her and I tell her how I wish she was with me and how sorry I am. They did test her tissue and it didn't grow so they can't tell me why she died, they just say they are 90% sure it was chromosomal? How they can say that, I don't know. There were no signs at all the sonograms were fine the Nuchal Fold was normal, so i don't know and I will never know. This is my story and I wish we all didn't have to go through this. I will miss this child till the day God takes me to be with her. Ava is all around me and gives me signs all the time that she is here, i know for a fact she is watching over me.
I miss her so much, my little peanut..



 
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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 04:59 AM   5
Miss Mitch
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Thank you andrea for sharing xx I see its the 1 year anniversary coming up, I hope you are coping as well as you can be xx And yes, she is 100% looking over you, as all our angels are! xx



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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 08:29 AM   6
dancareoi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Mitch View Post
Hello everyone,

I hope this is allowed, I thought I would start a thread where we can all come onto whenever we want to and have a general talk/chat about how we're feeling and updates on our progress. I know there is a general chatter area, but (thankfully) most of those ladies havent suffered a 2nd tri loss. I'll start....

I'm Tayla, i'm 22 years old, and we lost our darling Olivia at 21 weeks on 18th January. We are still waiting for her post mortem results, and it feels like its taking forever.

Today, I feel......lost? I feel nothing, like it didn't happened to me and its some distant memory that i'm trying to forget. I'm sure tomorrow, i'll be feeling completely different, as my emotions are so up and down, like a rollercoaster.

I hope you will all get involved, have a great day and love to all xxxx
Hi Tayla,

i`m Lisa and i am 40 years old.

I have 3 beautiful children, my eldest boy is 10,my daughter is 7 and my youngest boy is 21 months(2 in may)

Before I had my youngest i had MMC at 8 weeks gestation. i was heartbroken at the time, but i seemed to recover quite quickly as I was pregnant again in the September. The due date wasn`t too bad as i was PG again, but Idid shed a tear on the 1st anniversary.

However, this time has been so much worse. Last october i found I was PG by accident.i was so happy but DH was not too impressed as he did no want any more kids.

We had a nuchal scan at 12-13 weeks. We were told we were very low risk for DS and that we had a lovely healthy pregnancy.

On 9th jan, at 17 weeks, i went to hospital for a routine check up in the diabetic clinic (i had gestational diabetes in first pregnancy and had to inject insulin 3 times a day. Luckily next 2 were diet controlled)

The midwife checked my blood pressure and urine, which were fine and then got the doppler so we could listen to baby`s HB,but she couldn`t find it.

They took me for a scan, I was on my own, Dh hadn`t come as it was my usual 4 week check up (i had been going to hospital since October and had been checking my bloods 4 times a day to check my sugar levels)

The lady doing the scan couldn`t find HB, so went to get someone else who confirmed the same. I just lay on the bed sayiong, nooooooo, nooooo, this happened before it can`t happen again. I didn`t cry at first, just kept shaking my head, i felt likeI wanted to hit the ladies there, like it was their fault it had happened.

i than had to phone my DH to tell him the news. He came straight away and we held each other and cried.

The midwife then explained we had to go back the next day so they could give me some oral drugs to prepare my body to give birth to our baby.

We went back on the tuesday afternoon. I insisted they used the doppler again, clinging to the hope they may have got it wrong, but still no HB, so I took the tablet and arranged for me to return 9.00am thursday morning.

however,during wednesday night i started bleeding, so we were back in the hospital by 7.00am thursday morning. Ihad to call my mom at 6.00am to come over to look after the kids.

i kept thinking she should be doing this when we go to have a live baby not a dead one!

At 7.40am they inserted more drugs vaginally and said this would be done every 3 hours. I wasn`t getting any pain of discomfort, do about 8.30am DH went to get some breakfast.

At about 8.45am I felt a little uncomfortable, so went to the toilet where my baby was born into a bed pan. Fully formed,lying with it`s little head resting on it`s arm as if fast asleep. I sent text to DH " come back"

The placenta followed shortly after.

i then took some painkillers as I had a little discomfort, but nothing too bad. In that respect i was lucky it was so quick and pain free. Makes me think baby would have miscarried on it`s own very soon without the medical intervention. i still have the mark on my hand where they inserted the needle, ready for a drip, if needed(can`t remember medical name)

i was able to hold my baby and talk to it. Too small to tell the sex and we decided not to find out.

We had a funeral service on 23rd jan and buried the ashes in the babies memorial garden at the hospital the following day.

I have never known such dispair as I have felt these last few weeks.

To start with I thought someone was playing a joke, or I was in a nightmare. I couldn`t believe it had happened.

I then did to start to feel a bit better, but then went down hill again.

however, over the last week or so i have tried to pull myself together a bit. DH is not re i we should TTC again, but said we can`t discuss properly until
I am able to talk without crying.

Things have improved slightly. I do shed a little tear still most days and i am always thinking about my little angels.

Everybody says it and it is true, time is a great healer and everything happens for a reason. I know this to be true, but in the early days is so difficult to understand.

We will never be the same again, but hopefully we can move on, and God willing, will get our little rainbows.



 
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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 09:15 AM   7
Miss Mitch
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Hi Lisa,
Thank you for sharing, I am sorry for your loss' xx Thank you for sharing your story! It is just so strange isn't it, going through all this? You never think it will happen to you, and what it does, well, you just can't believe it and 6 weeks later I still don't. xx



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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 11:14 AM   8
dancareoi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Mitch View Post
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for sharing, I am sorry for your loss' xx Thank you for sharing your story! It is just so strange isn't it, going through all this? You never think it will happen to you, and what it does, well, you just can't believe it and 6 weeks later I still don't. xx
Hi Tayla, I have always considered myself quite a lucky person, and never thought i would have to go through this.

Once was bad enough, but to go through it again in unbearable.

It`s been 7 weeks for me and sometimes I still can`t believe it and feel myself sitting there shaking my head at times.

i have had to pull myself together though for the sake of my other kids because it was making them sad to see me so sad. Especially my 10 year old lad because he is so sensitive. There were a few times when I was feeling down, he sensed this and would come up and give me a hug!

iam so hoping DH will agree to TTC as that will help a lot in moving forward.

I really hope all works out for you, but i we keep chatting on this thread, we can keep everyone posted on what is going on.



 
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Old Feb 29th, 2012, 11:23 AM   9
Miss Mitch
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Oh bless him, sounds like you have some lovely children We are currently wtt atm depending on Olivia's results, so I will definitely keep posting xx



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Old Mar 1st, 2012, 04:35 AM   10
Miss Mitch
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Oh Shiza. Me and OH DTD for the first time last night, didn't use anything, then I came to reality with a huge thud after! CRAP!!!!!!!



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