i hope you dont mind that it has taken me 18 months to be able to write this, i feel that it is time,

i fell pregnant with twins in april 2010, i was over the moon, they were to be our 1st and 2nd born little miracle bundles

we found out at 17 weeks we was having a boy and girl (private scan)
everything fine, bought a nice buggy started planing nursery.

went for another routine scan at 18 weeks to be told that one had gone to sleep. we would no longer be having two, two little lots of giggles, two little mops of curly hair, two little lots of big beautiful eyes to gaze into. 17th august is a day i will never forget

then came the panic, whats going to happen, will my surviving twin be affected? how can i grieve for one and be happy about the other i was torn im not going to lie

i would feel guilty for crying because i still had one, and i felt guilty for feeling happy for my survivor when i was still carrying my sleeping angel.

i had regular scan and thankfully our survivor was strong she was born at 38 weeks gestation and i called her grace, her brother alfie was born shortly after her, they never let me see him just told me he was there.

i was hoping we cud get a certificate for him, to prove he existed but they said they didnt do that, so all i have of him are his scan photos and my memories

i will tell grace all about her twin when she is older, but losing one twin and having to carry them both to term is somthing i cant even begin to describe.

i am blessed enough to be expecting again, but i panic like mad, i had no symptoms when alfie closed his eyes and went to sleep

thanks for listening to me xxxxxx

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. It must have been heartbreaking.

We too lost a little boy, who went to sleep at 15/16 weeks back in October. We didn't get to see Samuel, but the hospital gave us a lovely memory box with some little footprints in a card.

Sam should have been a couple of weeks old now, and it is so hard thinking about it. But I never want to forget. It sounds like you feel the same way. Having Grace will be both a reminder and a joy to you.

I hope all goes well with this pregnancy.

Sending you lot of hugs and love

xxx

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I was pregnant with twins, and lost them both.
I'm not sure how I would have coped with one surviving - delighted of course but also unbelievably sad. I know exactly what you mean about missing out on the twin experience - it's something unique, you feel it is so special, and then it's gone. I'm pregnant again and I am so happy, but I'll admit there was a teeny tiny moment of disappointment at seeing just one baby on the first scan. which I still feel awful about, but, that's human nature, I can't control how I feel.

It's awful that you don't get a certificate or anything to recognise your little boy's life...I'll not get started on what I think of this as it's something that makes me so mad. Perhaps you could make something up, or, I have seen online certificates recognising the life of a lost one.

Have you ever done anything in memory of him, maybe make a memory box or something? I have loads of ideas of things you could do, if you feel it would help you recognise that he existed. Because I lost them both, I had a lot of spare time to do these sorts of things. It did help me, to have little reminders or things I can look at to remind me of them.

As for being pregnant again - well, that it is scary, but, once baby starts kicking regularly, it really does provide some relief. I hope the docs have been looking after you - they have been great with me, giving me appointments when I have a freak out, and I have had 4-weekly scans.

I'm here, if you ever want to talk xxx

thankyou both, mhazz im going to be honest the doctors have been terrible, im 14 weeks and havnt seen my midwife yet or been sent a booking in appt or anything i had a private reassurance scan at 9 weeks and i can totally relate with you, when i saw it was only 1 this time i was a little dissapointed about, which i feel terrible for thinking and i havnt admitted that to anyone, i feel to ashamed to.

i am so happy and pleased to be pregnant again, and i thank god everyday to bless me again, but the feeling is still there.

i also (Ashamed to say it) fel jeolous and upset when i see others expecting twins, i find myself asking what is so different about me why couldnt my body sustain them both? why did i have to fail him???

as for rememberance i have placed all his scan pictured in an album, and grace rminds me of him everyday, i never knew you could get remembrance certificates online, i will have to look into that, it sounds a lovely idea.

i am so sorry for you loss ladies, it is the worse feelin in the world, a child going before its parents, i would never wish it on anybody xxxx

I know I'm lucky with the extra care I have been given, they have been amazing, and have even told me they have done it for my peace of mind, not theirs, as they don't believe I will suffer the same problem again. I can't imagine not being given the same consideration, a new pregnancy is such a stressful time, after what we have been through. I saw your message in the other forum, about feeling guilty for being pregnant again. Don't feel this way - I like to think of this pregnancy as a gift from my daughters, giving them a little brother or sister. I'm even due almost exactly on what would be their first birthday.

Did you ever get any answers as to what happened to Alfie?

As for being jealous of other twin mums...I know exactly where you are coming from here. It sounds horrible but I still can't handle it. I actually got a Happy Easter card through the post from friends of my dads (he died last year, so I haven't had the chance to speak to or hear from them in a while) and they told me their daughter had twin girls last month. I cried most of the morning. Of course I wish her nothing but the best, but it makes me feel useless for not being able to protect my babies, when other people can.

It must be nice to have Grace to remind you of Alfie...it must be pretty hard too though. One thing I did do, which was just lovely, was to get my girls' names written in the sand at sunset, by a woman called CarlyMarie, I have their pictures up in my house. I love them (I'll change my avatar to them, so you can have a wee look).

xxx