Hi there,

I have posted in another thread but just wanted to put it out there and speak with other women who have been or are where I am right now.
I lost my little boy 1st march this year at 17+5 weeks. Sorry for TMI!

My pregnancy had been somewhat troublesome. I had some bleeding but was told it was nothing to be concerned about.

Due to a previous early miscarriage we were so anxious for that magic 12 week scan. I had seen our little baby already and saw a beautiful strong heartbeat. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I knew if all was ok with this scan we could share our fantastic news with the world. The day arrived and it went perfectly. There was our little baby I affectionately nicknamed Button on the screen moving his hands around. Then the Doppler was turned on and I heard the beautiful sound of his little heart racing. It was nothing short of amazing.

At about 14 weeks the bleeding returned and continued for 2 weeks.
We were due to have our engagement party the following weekend when I would have been 16 weeks.
The night of the party arrived and people started flowing in. What a special night it was supposed to be for us. I started to feel slightly sick so I snuck off for a little lie down. The bleeding was still very apparent. Something wasn’t right. I went to the bathroom to discover massive clots giving way as I sat then something got stuck!
I was rushed to the hospital. The Dr saw me straight away, and removed a large clot. I had a quick scan and saw that my baby still had a strong heartbeat. He was hanging in there.
We had to wait 2 days for a formal ultrasound. We found out I wasn't just loosing blood but my amniotic fluid was also leaking.
The following day I was referred to a maternity hospital and told to present there ASAP.
We were told that our baby would be ok in the protective walls of my womb where I can provide him with all he needs but his poor little lungs would not develop without the fluid for him to breathe in and he wouldn’t manage on his own on the outside. We were advised to begin to induce my labour but I couldn't give up on him just yet. I was also fearful at having to give birth for the first time and not be able to take my baby home.
The doctor agreed to give me a week to see if I could replenish the amniotic fluid for my little Button. I was put on strict bed rest and was to report back to them in three days to ensure I hadn’t developed an infection. I was prescribed some antibiotics to keep infection at bay and told to keep watch for any signs of infection including feeling ill, developing a temp and aching. If infection was to occur, my uterus could turn septic and require a full hysterectomy.
If an infection was to develop or there was no change within a week, they wanted to induce my labour. I knew in my heart this was not an option I would not do that while my baby still had a heartbeat!

I didn't develop an infection but when I went back the following week, there was still no fluid around my baby, and they wanted to induce me. My OH was beginning to agree with the Dr as he was now also concerned for my well-being. I couldn't do it and left the hospital.

the following night I felt my baby move inside me for the first time I couldn't believe it. Later that night I felt an uncomfortable sensation in my abdomen so I went to bed to try and sleep through it. I woke at 12.30am still with the pains. I had no idea what contractions felt like so I couldn't be sure what I was feeling. Deep in my heart I guess I knew exactly what it was I just wasn’t prepared to believe I was in labour.
I was then taken by ambulance to the hospital and delivered my beautiful little boy at 10.45am. He was so tiny and so perfect! How could something so perfect be taken from you? This was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I wanted so badly for him to still be with us. It wasn’t fair what we were going through. We had done everything right why did this have to happen to us?

I think he knew I couldn’t make the decision to be induced so he made the decision for us. We decided to name him River - because our love for him will forever flow, just like a River.

sorry for your loss

So sorry, lost my little boy same time

So heartbreaking, I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. I've lit a little candle for river, and please God he helps you both to have a healthy non-problematic pregnancy in the near future.

Thinking of you xxx

So sorry for your loss River is a lovely name. X

I was so sad to read your story - it breaks my heart seeing another mummy having to find her way here. I love the name you gave to your son, it's just perfect.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been, to have the bleeding and fluid loss going on for so long, it must have been very hard for you to go through that. With my loss it was just three days between my first feeling that something wasn't right, and giving birth to my beautiful girls, and those three days were torture.

The following days and weeks were terrible, I've never known so much pain and I honestly didn't see how I could ever smile again, but slowly it started to get a little better. I miss my daughters so much but most of the time I can remember them with a smile now, instead of a breakdown. It seems so cruel to give birth to a perfect yet just too small baby and be forced to come home alone. I can't see a reason for it.

I wouldn't have gotten through this without the support of some amazing women on here, I hope you can find the same kind of comfort.

sending lots of love to you and little River x

I am so sorry about River and your pain.

thankyou all so much for your kind words.
You hear about things like this happening to people but I would have never imagined that I would have to go through something like this.
It is great to be able to have a place to talk to other women who have experienced the loss of a child.
We want so badly to start a family but after 2 losses I know I am going to be a wreck with any other pregnancy. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason but I just cant even begin to think what reason would there be for this to happen to us!
Im going to try and take some strength from others that have been there.

I had a similar thing happen to me from 12 weeks but it was spotting rather than bleeding but like you I went on and lost the baby, I was 16 weeks exactly when it was confirmed there was no hb. The didn't run any tests nothing, just said it's common. Hmmm, well I have to live with the fact that this was nature's way of ending something that wasn't meant to be. I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and everything is fine so don't give up hope or feel you will never go on to have a baby. Sorry for your loss, it's crap that you've found yourself here but there is lots of support for you xxx

Yes this is one of those things you just think happens to other people. You cant even begin to imagine understanding how it feels until sadly you are that person. So, it can be difficult to find comfort and support from people in your life. That's why I found this forum such a godsend, to speak to others about how I felt, to know that the anger, Bitterness, jealousy and never ending tears were normal. And then, that the all consuming urge to be pregnant again was also common.
All I can say is that, I became friends with a group of woman who all lost their babies around the same time as me last year. A large number of us are now pregnant with our rainbow babies, most of us in or near third tri. It's been stressful and not always plain sailing but I believe we will all get our happy endings. A new pregnancy is very stressful, but I can say that the extra care I have been given by the hospital has been very comforting. Wanting another baby doesn't mean you love River and your other angel any less, it's just giving them a little brother or sister to make mummy and daddy happy. X