My husband and I married young. I was 21 and he was 22. He's always been a little on the immature and naïve side when it's come to adult matters, and when we were young, I think I just assumed he would grow out of that.
He didn't. Over the years he has proven time and time again that he simply does not "get" adult matters, especially when they pertain to finances. Every 3-6 months, he does something financially that gives me a huge headache that I have to fix. For example, last year he spent our rent money on a $400 work expense and didn't tell me about it. I learned of it a few days later when I was looking in my online account and saw that there wasn't enough money to cover the rent check I had just written. He also signed up for weight training lessons, telling me that they would cost about $200. I told him we couldn't afford it and to get that money back. A few weeks later, when I was cleaning out the car (and he still hadn't gotten the money back yet), I found his weight training contract. It was $204 a MONTH for 4 months for a total of $816! "About $200" my ass! I wound up having to put a stop on the payments and do a chargeback on the initial charge of $204 because the gym was refusing to give the money back at that point.
As irksome as all of this was, like I said, it usually only happened every 3-6 months. It was a headache and I would fix it and that was that.
Until this year. I conceived on or around December 28, 2012, and almost immediately after I got pregnant, DH went off the deep end with the irresponsibility. He began making absolutely terrible money at work, less than minimum wage (his loser boss pays him on commission when he shouldn't---that's a whole other story), and he's gone 6 days a week using our only car to work an awful 12 - 9 PM shift. In March he brought home two absolutely terrible paychecks amounting to $6-$7 an hour in wages for the time he put in, and I told him enough was enough and he needed to look for a different job, but he refuses. He loaned his loser boss $200 in January so that loser boss could go on a date (!) and hasn't been repaid yet; he refused to even ask him for it until I said I was leaving. A martial arts studio that he had taken a few lessons at began fraudulently debiting our account in December, and he hasn't gotten all of that money back yet, but is adamant that I not file a chargeback against them.
But the biggest problem has been a woman whom I'll call Bimberly.* Bimberly moved to Illinois from Utah quite recently, and for reasons I cannot fathom, Bimberly put in an application at DH's place of employment and got hired. The problem: Bimberly lives 20 miles away from her job and does not have transportation to work. She has no plans for getting a car anytime soon. Instead of letting Bimberly reconcile this problem on her own, DH leaped in on a white horse and said, "I'll drive you to and from work! Every! Single! Day! And you don't even have to pay for your gas or tolls, I'll do it for free!" Lucky, lucky Bimberly.
DH did not consult me on any of this. He just said, "Oh, there's a co-worker who needs rides, I'm going to help her out." He didn't say, "This co-worker lives 20 miles away and it's going to cost us $11 a day in gas and tolls every day that we do this and I'll be gone an extra 2 hours a day on top of my already horrible work schedule, is that okay with you?" He just started doing it, and I watched in shock and horror as our gas evaporated and the odometer on our car skyrocketed. There were some half-fulfilled promises for Bimberly to at least begin paying for her gas and tolls (never mind the wear-and-tear on our car), but that ended quickly.
I tried to intervene. I sat DH down and showed him how much extra mileage this is putting on our car (which currently sits at 109K miles and required several thousand in repairs last year). I showed him the astronomical costs of all this. I explained to him that there is no way we can sustain this level of spending, not even with help from SSI (our daughter is disabled) and tax refunds and student loans. I eventually put my foot down and told him that the rides needed to stop. I pointed out that we are moving this summer and we need to save for a deposit and first month's rent payment on a new apartment.
He refuses to stop. He also refuses to look for another job, and lately he has been staying out every weekend until 3 AM or 6 AM with Bimberly and his boss and his other irresponsible single co-workers (I'm sure his coterie of freeloaders are a lot more fun than a pregnant wife and disabled daughter). And while there are things I could do to be subversive and make him stop, I'm done. If he won't listen to reason, maybe he'll listen to the embarrassment and hardship of declined debit cards, apartment applications, etc.
So two weeks ago, we went to our bank and took his name off the account, and I gave him his half of the account, minus what his freeloading friends owe him. I'm looking for work. I have a bachelor's degree and (almost) a master's degree, although not in horribly marketable fields, but I believe I will be able to find something. My daughter's SSI is still mine and he has agreed to pay child support, so I'm not entirely without income, but I can't survive on this forever. I have a way to get my own car just as soon as I get a job. We're still living together until the lease on this apartment ends on July 31st, with each of us being responsible for half of the rent. Once we are out into our own apartments, I will file for full legal separation.
It has already begun. His half of the account should have been more than enough to last the past two weeks, but he is completely out of money now and has been trying to pinch gas and food from me---I guess the poor baby spent too much money on Bimberly's birthday two weekends ago. I've made it clear to him that so long as he continues Bimberly's rides and refuses to reclaim the loans from his other freeloading buddies, he'll get not a dime from me.
I don't believe that my marriage is over. We're not really fighting at all and at times are still very affectionate to one another, though I've stopped sleeping with him. I consider this to be a call for him to repent. He needs to be putting his family first, spending as much time as possible with us, and saving up for our needs (apartment deposit and first month's rent, new baby stuff, a second car, etc.). NOT Bimberly's needs, not the needs and wants of his freeloading boss and other co-workers, not anyone else. I have days where I feel angry and sad, but mostly I just feel determined.
Wow... I am so sorry you are going thru this. You and your children deserve way better than what he has given you. The whole situation with Bimberly does not sound good either.
I hope he grows up and gets counclimg and you can be a family Hun. But I think you are taking the right steps for you and your little ones.
Can you not stay with some family?
Good lord. I just can't believe this man. He is treating you like his mother that gives him pocket money not a partner. I think you are doing the right thing and in all honesty, reading your post, I think your life and the lives of your children would be better off without this man permanently in it. I hate to say it but do you think he is having an affair with this 'Bimberly'? What the hell is he giving her free rides for? And spending that amount of time with her?
Cut him dead sweetie. No matter now much he begs. This guy has to learn the hard way that what he is doing is off the charts unacceptable. I couldn't cope with someone like this, kudos to you for being so mature about it all. I probably would have burnt all his credit cards and sold all his stuff to pay debts.
They live in Washington state and I live in Illinois. They were pretty much begging me to come home as soon as this happened, but honestly, they all have full-time jobs, and even when I lived close to them, they hardly ever gave me any help with watching our daughter for me. FOB may be completely unable to provide, but even if we are separated, he will come over to my apartment in the mornings to put DD on the bus and get baby off to daycare while I go to work since his shift doesn't start till noon, so I'd rather stick close to him. Dropping a baby off at 11 AM is going to be cheaper than dropping him/her off at 6:30-7 AM.
Originally Posted by Dezireey
I hate to say it but do you think he is having an affair with this 'Bimberly'? What the hell is he giving her free rides for? And spending that amount of time with her?
I haven't ruled out an affair, but I don't think it's happened yet. I think he's infatuated though, that it's probably an "emotional affair" at this point, which is why he's reluctant to let it go.
His behavior lately has just been really scrubby. On Sunday I gave him my cashback-on-groceries credit card and asked him to pick up 5 very small, cheap items from the store while he was out. He came home with two bottles of sparkling juices claiming they were for me. Oh, you bought me treats with my money... how chivalrous of you!
Should have listened to TLC in high school:
He doesn't have any credit cards, and his credit is bad. Mine wasn't great years ago (I made a lot of bad choices while my mother was dying of cancer), but has steadily been on the mend. He's going to have a hell of a time getting into an apartment on his crappy salary with bad credit, and he knows perfectly well that we've had a hard time getting into apartments in the past because of our credit, but when I explain these things to him, he just doesn't seem to care.
Best thing for both of you is to let this man fend for himself.
I am sure he will start appreciating what he has and what you have done for him. If he doesn't, well then he deserves whatever fate awaits him. Some harsh life lessons are needed for this man ( or boy? He behaves like a hormonal teenager)
I'm very sorry you're going through this. What a horrible situation. I definitely think he's deeply infatuated with this 'Bimberly' and he's letting it hurt his marriage and his family. My mom had a lot of these problems with my Dad that intensified as he grew older.
Gosh, that sounds awful. Unfortunately, it seems like if he hasn't changed in all these years, it seems unlikely he will now, at least not in any kind of permanent way. Hope it all turns out well for you!
I invited DH on a little movie night last night. I got a movie from Netflix I thought we would both like (Children of Men), popped popcorn, had DD in bed and asleep, sodas and movie candy ready, etc. Sweet and simple. It went okay, but he made one comment that upset me. He said, "next time you want to schedule a date, schedule it on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday, because Bimberly and I are rehearsing on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights."
Shame on me. How dare I try to cut into one of Bimberly's nights to have a little time with my husband! What was I thinking?
I am so done. If he has any desire to save this marriage, it's going to have to come from him, because obviously I just can't compete with his overweight freeloading dance partner.
Any opinions, advice, statements or other information expressed or made available on BabyandBump.Momtastic.com by users or third parties, including but not limited to bloggers, are solely those of the respective user or other third party. They do not reflect the opinions of BabyandBump.Momtastic.com and they have not been reviewed by a physician, psychologist or parenting expert or any member of the BabyandBump.Momtastic.com staff for accuracy, balance or objectivity. Content and other information presented on BabyandBump.Momtastic.com are not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, counseling, diagnosis, or treatment. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical or mental health advice from your physician or other qualified health provider because of something you have read on BabyandBump.Momtastic.com. BabyandBump.Momtastic.com does not endorse any opinion, advice, statement, product, service or treatment made available on the website. If you think you have a medical emergency, call your doctor or emergency services immediately.