Widowed Father... advice on moving on?

wowdad · Jul 2nd, 2011, 16:10 PM

I lost my wife 3 months after the birth of our beautiful daughter, that was 2 years ago now. I have a lot of help from her family, her parents and sisters have been great. Im getting a lot of pressure from my side of the family (and friends) to get out there again and move on, but Im also getting a lot of pressure from her side of the family to do the opposite - her sisters in particular are very protective of our 'unit' and I guess are not wanting to see their sis replaced. Ive brought up discussions that whatever happens, no-one will ever replace her , but work is getting more demanding and I need to have some consistency in my LO's life, not just nanny's and family.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with possessive families and persistent friends trying to hook me up? I really want them all to get lost and leave us both alone, but its not fair on her really, she needs a mom.

Hell Bunny · Jul 2nd, 2011, 16:18 PM

First, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your daaughter.

Second, your family need to realise that grief is such a personal and individual thing and that you will move on if and when you're ready. Getting into a new relationship if you aren't ready wouldn't be fair on the woman anyway.

As for your wife's family? It's harsh to say this but it's not their business. You're entitled to live your life as you see fit. You have no obligation to them and if they genuinely cared for you they'd be happy for you if you could find happiness with someone else eventually.

I hope that both families learn to let you live your life your own way.

All the best.

AbbynChloe · Jul 3rd, 2011, 04:04 AM

^^ WSS

it is your life, and they cannot control you. I hope you manage to find a way forward. You can only move on when you feel ready to.

let us know how you get on xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DadnBoys · Sep 30th, 2011, 15:38 PM

I just wanted to pipe in here. This post made me register here.

I am also a single dad, father of two boys. My wife died when my boys were 10 months and 22 months old, and that was two years ago almost to the day today.

All I have to say is do what is best for you and your little girl. But also think hard about getting back to seeing other people. For a while I felt like I had to be with someone and realized it was more for them to have a mother, and not a soul mate for me. Obviously whomever would also have to be a good parent for them. Just don't move too quickly, but if the time seems right, go for it.

I can understand the tension, especially if her sister has been part of your family and helping raise your daughter, but it's still your life and your daughter.

moomin_troll · Sep 30th, 2011, 15:44 PM

i dont no how i missed this thread

i lost my husband last year (november) when i was 3 weeks pregnant with our second son.
my mum keeps making comments about when i met someone else ect, its driving me insane, i dont want to meet someone else.

you dont have to start seeing people to move on. and all our babies need is us, they dont need a replacement mum or dad

babybambi2011 · Oct 1st, 2011, 06:34 AM

ok i feel like crying! the worst time to lose a partner! im a single parent but me and my ex split, but i dont know what id do if he wasnt here.
only you know when your ready to move on and meet other people, but you have to do it for you! its hard when one family are pushing and another aposing, but at the end of the day, your and your daughters happiness is the only thing that matters!

Laura2919 · Oct 2nd, 2011, 11:29 AM

Im very sorry for your loss. Its must be heartbreaking but the best you can do for your daughter is help her know her mum through you. The stories you have, the times you shared, the special occasions, and lots of other memories, they are the key.

As for moving on, they cant honestly think your going to stay single forever are they? you lost your wife but you dont have to lose who you are, you will always remember her, she gave you your child and I am assuming you loved her very much, thats never easy to forget.
If I were in your position I would tell everyone to back off. You need to make the best choice for you and your daughter.

Good luck, if you ever need a chat, I am around

cluelessnow · Oct 3rd, 2011, 00:33 AM

So sorry for your loss. It's really hard but your family and friends cannot expect you to be single for the rest of your life or date when you're not ready.

I would speak to them individually, thank them for being there and how much you appreciate them but that sooner or later you want a more balanced life and will be dating again (get her family used to you just dating first) or even just you want to make new friends and see where things go. With friends who are pressurizing to date, say you'll do it when it feels right.

Take it slow, be friends first even and I would not introduce your LO to the anyone you're just dating until you're really sure she's going to hang around for longer and you want her to stay around. But I guess that's obvious.

At the moment, I'm not ready to date yet. And there's always that question, is it for LO or is it for you? It's better if it's for both of you and the person you choose will make both of you happy.

Hope that helps and hope it all goes well for you.

dustbunny · Oct 3rd, 2011, 08:34 AM

I can not add any more advice to what other people have said without repeating it again but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what has happened. Just do what feels right for you and your daughter and that's all you can do.

pinklily · Oct 4th, 2011, 16:21 PM

I agree with the advice already given. Sorry for your loss, hoping for the best outcome for you and your precious little girl.

Jul 2nd, 2011, 16:10 PM	#1
wowdad Dad New BnB member Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 2	Widowed Father... advice on moving on? I lost my wife 3 months after the birth of our beautiful daughter, that was 2 years ago now. I have a lot of help from her family, her parents and sisters have been great. Im getting a lot of pressure from my side of the family (and friends) to get out there again and move on, but Im also getting a lot of pressure from her side of the family to do the opposite - her sisters in particular are very protective of our 'unit' and I guess are not wanting to see their sis replaced. Ive brought up discussions that whatever happens, no-one will ever replace her , but work is getting more demanding and I need to have some consistency in my LO's life, not just nanny's and family. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with possessive families and persistent friends trying to hook me up? I really want them all to get lost and leave us both alone, but its not fair on her really, she needs a mom.
wowdad Dad New BnB member Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 2
Status: Offline

Jul 2nd, 2011, 16:18 PM	#2
Hell Bunny Mum (Mom) Active BnB Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Near Glasgow Posts: 43	First, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your daaughter. Second, your family need to realise that grief is such a personal and individual thing and that you will move on if and when you're ready. Getting into a new relationship if you aren't ready wouldn't be fair on the woman anyway. As for your wife's family? It's harsh to say this but it's not their business. You're entitled to live your life as you see fit. You have no obligation to them and if they genuinely cared for you they'd be happy for you if you could find happiness with someone else eventually. I hope that both families learn to let you live your life your own way. All the best.

Status: Offline

Jul 3rd, 2011, 04:04 AM	#3
AbbynChloe Mum (Mom) Active BnB Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Surrey Posts: 641	^^ WSS it is your life, and they cannot control you. I hope you manage to find a way forward. You can only move on when you feel ready to. let us know how you get on xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Status: Offline

Sep 30th, 2011, 15:38 PM	#4
DadnBoys Dad New BnB member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 2	I just wanted to pipe in here. This post made me register here. I am also a single dad, father of two boys. My wife died when my boys were 10 months and 22 months old, and that was two years ago almost to the day today. All I have to say is do what is best for you and your little girl. But also think hard about getting back to seeing other people. For a while I felt like I had to be with someone and realized it was more for them to have a mother, and not a soul mate for me. Obviously whomever would also have to be a good parent for them. Just don't move too quickly, but if the time seems right, go for it. I can understand the tension, especially if her sister has been part of your family and helping raise your daughter, but it's still your life and your daughter.

Status: Offline

Sep 30th, 2011, 15:44 PM	#5
moomin_troll Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: staffordshire Posts: 15,872	i dont no how i missed this thread i lost my husband last year (november) when i was 3 weeks pregnant with our second son. my mum keeps making comments about when i met someone else ect, its driving me insane, i dont want to meet someone else. you dont have to start seeing people to move on. and all our babies need is us, they dont need a replacement mum or dad

Status: Offline

Oct 1st, 2011, 06:34 AM	#6
babybambi2011 Mum (Mom) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: worcester Posts: 1,557	ok i feel like crying! the worst time to lose a partner! im a single parent but me and my ex split, but i dont know what id do if he wasnt here. only you know when your ready to move on and meet other people, but you have to do it for you! its hard when one family are pushing and another aposing, but at the end of the day, your and your daughters happiness is the only thing that matters!

Status: Offline

Oct 2nd, 2011, 11:29 AM	#7
Laura2919 Mum (Mom) BnB Elite Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 15,770	Im very sorry for your loss. Its must be heartbreaking but the best you can do for your daughter is help her know her mum through you. The stories you have, the times you shared, the special occasions, and lots of other memories, they are the key. As for moving on, they cant honestly think your going to stay single forever are they? you lost your wife but you dont have to lose who you are, you will always remember her, she gave you your child and I am assuming you loved her very much, thats never easy to forget. If I were in your position I would tell everyone to back off. You need to make the best choice for you and your daughter. Good luck, if you ever need a chat, I am around

Status: Offline

Oct 3rd, 2011, 00:33 AM	#8
cluelessnow Pregnant (Expecting) Active BnB Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 116	So sorry for your loss. It's really hard but your family and friends cannot expect you to be single for the rest of your life or date when you're not ready. I would speak to them individually, thank them for being there and how much you appreciate them but that sooner or later you want a more balanced life and will be dating again (get her family used to you just dating first) or even just you want to make new friends and see where things go. With friends who are pressurizing to date, say you'll do it when it feels right. Take it slow, be friends first even and I would not introduce your LO to the anyone you're just dating until you're really sure she's going to hang around for longer and you want her to stay around. But I guess that's obvious. At the moment, I'm not ready to date yet. And there's always that question, is it for LO or is it for you? It's better if it's for both of you and the person you choose will make both of you happy. Hope that helps and hope it all goes well for you.

Status: Offline

Oct 3rd, 2011, 08:34 AM	#9
dustbunny Mum (Mom) Chat Happy BnB Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Somerset Posts: 1,664	I can not add any more advice to what other people have said without repeating it again but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what has happened. Just do what feels right for you and your daughter and that's all you can do.

Status: Offline

Oct 4th, 2011, 16:21 PM	#10
pinklily Other Active BnB Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 12	I agree with the advice already given. Sorry for your loss, hoping for the best outcome for you and your precious little girl.

Status: Offline

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