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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 08:26 AM   1
sandilion
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Feeling ashamed of my parenting as of late.


I just want to put it out there as part of my journey to changing my ways; that I am quite ashamed and disappointed in myself as of late.

Lately DS has become a fully fledged "Terrible Two's" toddler and oh boy can he be a hand full. But that is no excuse for my behavior.

Not only have I started yelling at him quite often (yes he is doing 'naughty things' but I always vowed to not yell all the time as my mother yelled ALL the time and it wasn't plesant and it caused me to fear her)

I also have realised that today, I mocked him. But i did it in a way to distract him from his tantrum. It wa smeant to be playful, and to see humor in his tantrum. I copied him, threw myself onto the ground and pretended to act like him. He laughed and started to wrestle me.....it was very cute. But now I just feel so horrible and disappointed with myself for making fun of my little boy. I did it in front of my mother too and now starting to ask myself, am i now behaving like she did as a stupid knee jerk reaction to impress her??!! I am feeling really down on myself about it now, as my mum mocked me and that's what contributed to a lot of my anxiety and issues with bullies at school, and me not having any coping mechanisms as a kid.

Starting tomorrow... as it's a new day, I am going to start being more aware of my own actions and behavior. I am not happy with how I have been handling my son. Yes he is full on, and yes sometimes yelling is necessary .... Like when he was standing on the entertainment unit and pushing on the TV, as that was dangerous. But I will admit I could have avoided yelling on other occasions by simply just distracting him or giving him a new task to do. But instead i felt frustrated, and yelled at him.

I will admit I am starting to struggle a bit with him as a toddler, as he is very head strong .... VERY. But being head strong is not a bad thing, and the last thing he needs me to do to him is ruin that by yelling at him all the time, and making fun of him.

Please don't flame me. I am being hard enough on myself as it is. I love him so much and the thought of ever effecting him kills me I feel like I have failed him as of late.

Do you think I could un-do any possible damage if i change my ways from here on?

I always vowed to never smack him too and I smacked his bottom today while he was once again refusing to let me change his nappy. I have been breaking all of my rules lately and i not happy at all. I feel yuk about it.



 
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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 08:47 AM   2
brownlieB
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Don't beat yourself up Hun. At the end if the day he knows you love him, and the fact you're feeling guilty shows you do. I also have a very head strong daughter where some days I feel all I'm doing is telling her off, but then I remind myself she's just pushing her boundaries we're not saints.

I hold my hands up I smacked her bottom on occasion probably twice in 3yrs so she's hardly a beaten child. But both times I regretted it and cried after, so I know it's not the solution, and come up with other tactics.

I use at the moment taking things off her after a warning. For example I say leave the x mas decs alone please. Then I say sterner NO. Then I say touch them again and I'm taking away one of your toys. If she touches a toy goes into a box out if her reach. I say mummy said no and you didn't listen you can have that back at the end of the day once you've been a good girl.

My DD also went through not wanting her nappy on it's an independence thing, you could try offering a potty and using pull ups? That way he can gain some independence and to change them he can stay standing up which is usually what the fight is about!

Just remember can you remember every tantrum and telling off you had when you were 2? I can't I'm sure they won't xxx



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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 08:53 AM   3
sandilion
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Oh thanks so much brownlieB - really appreciate your post. Hey, maybe it is time to start with the potty training??!! I didn't even think of that!! He is alost 2 (in 2 months) so yeah... maybe the ime has come. Because nappy changes are almost unbearable. Maybe its his way to tell me he is ready for the next step????



 
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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 09:49 AM   4
Bex84
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as with what pp said don't beat yourself up, we all learn on this journey of being a parent. You have recognised what you don't like and you are changing it. With my lo if you tell her to stop something, such as at the moment taking the Christmas decorations down or tantrum in the shop I just very calmly say its ok to be angry but mummy would like you to stop doing that because of x y and Z, I am going to count to three, I use time in if she doesn't listen, lately she has got really good at listening and we have less tantrums, I also sit her on my lap and we take deep breathes so she can calm down and I ask her to tell me what's wrong in her big girl words, if she needs to tantrum that's fine she is just feeling frustrated (I don't know if any of that helps with different methods, it works for us along with re direction and giving choices) I did get practice being calm being a teacher so I generally don't get to stressed as seen worse. Please don't beat your self up, it can be so frustrating when they are on a whine day and tantrum day and its easy to shout and I suspect we have all done it at least once, I have done when lo is about to do something dangerous)



 
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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 12:47 PM   5
Saphira
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None of us are perfect! Some are more open about their disappointment with themselves than others but that doesn't mean they don't have days they wish they could have reacted differently to various situations. We're human, not robots and we have to accept there will be moments when a situation could have been handled better but was handled with less patience and we feel bad about it. As others have said, try not to be so hard on yourself. You've recognized things you'd like to do differently and tomorrow is a new day to work on that! We're not unlimited on patience though, remember! I find in extreme cases leaving the room for a minute or two to gather my thoughts and breathe help me to calm down a bit. Then I feel more refreshed to deal with stressy times.



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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 14:08 PM   6
kit10grl
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I feel the same. my mum often mocked me when I was upset as a child and it never taught me good coping mechanisims. it resulted in huge social anxieties. one relating particularly to children crying as she would leave me to watch my sister and then tell me I was hopeless if she wouldn't stop crying for me. (I was 11). As a result when DS tantrums, especially in public I find it hard to cope. I have occasionally shouted at him over something that was nothing really and then gone in another room and cried about it. I am much better than i used to be but it still happens occasionally, I have promised myself that when it does happen I always go back and apologise to DS and tell him that mummy was mad but that she shouldn't have shouted because she was upset i wasn't angry with him but his behaviour. then I give him a kiss and a cuddle.

One of the big things for me is making sure I apologise to him when I am in the wrong, my mother never did. one particular time sticks out for me when she accused me of stealing money from her purse, then it turned up. she knew she was wrong but never apologised for accusing me of stealing or lying. That hurt more than the fact she got angry about the money missing.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you have recognised that you don't like your behaviour and that is the first step to changing it. Just keep trying and if you slip up that's ok just start again afterwards. You are only human



 
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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 15:07 PM   7
JASMAK
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Try not to worry too much. Hey, we aren't perfect (at least not 100% of the time ). Forgive yourself, and move on. I have yelled at my kids too...and I am the same. I don't want to. I even swore once...not in a name calling way, but in a sentence. Grrrr. I put myself into a time out after that. It isn't always easy, is it?



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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 15:37 PM   8
whistle
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I found it particularly hard at the end of my pregnancy and first few weeks of having two at home to keep my cool with DS1. It sounds lame but I remind myself throughout the day of how I want to respond to the tantrums or bad behaviour to keep myself on track and even give myself little pep talks like 'Well done, you haven't shouted all morning, let's keep it up.'



 
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Old Dec 23rd, 2013, 16:32 PM   9
sandilion
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Yeah you're all right, I am only human and the fact I am pulling myself up on my actions now I guess is a good thing.

And I completely agree with the apologizing kit10grl, I have been making sure i do that as like what you experienced my mother also NEVER apologised. When she would be completely wrong and unfair, i would just have to 'get over it' as a kid and its those moments that effected me a lot more than the slaps across the face and the yelling. So you are soooo right and thank you for mentioning it as i feel that is a very serious issue.

Today is a new day and the new beginning to my new approach. My calmer, relaxed and in control approach



 
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Old Dec 26th, 2013, 13:00 PM   10
CertainTurton
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Like pp have said dont beat yourself up, im sure you are doing an amazing job! Re the tantrum and getting on the floor, I agree you don't want to mock him but sometimes turning a tantrum into a play session or wrestling like you said is a very good way of releasing frustration for your toddler and you. I can really recommend 'playful parenting' by Lawrence Cohen- its brilliant and sounds like you would benefit from the fun ideas to diffuse situations without shouting etc :-) hugs!
Apologising is so good and models good human behaviour..no one is perfect and kids shouldn't be brought up to believe so :-)



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