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Old Dec 14th, 2011, 15:20 PM   1
flowers04
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aggressive behaviour at nursery


my lo is 2 years and 3 months - she had for some timw now been hitting, pinching scratching or pulling hair - she does this i believe when she gets angry

we are trying very hard to deal with it - we have tried to explain to her that its wrong but she does not want to listen

she speaks very clearly for her age so i am assuming that she understands well too.

the parents of the child were obviously upset and i would be too if it was her being the victim - we were told that if she has three strikes then she is out - i'm assumng they mean they will kick her out of nursey - what is all this about

it breaks my heart that she does this to other kids but we are trying so hard to stop this behaviour - being told this has totally broke my heart - she is 2 years old how can this be possible

anyone have any advice

i am going to speak to the nursey to see if we can do put a plan together

unfortunately she doesn't just do this in nursey, she does it when in social situations

what methods have people used - i've tried to resort to books for advice but the advice is so conflicting i am just confused now

a very desperate emotinal mummy - please help



 
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Old Dec 14th, 2011, 17:04 PM   2
rosie272
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I've never heard of the '3 strikes and out' as a nursery policy! That seems very harsh to me. Definitely go and speak with her key worker and the manager and together you should all be able come up with a plan of action that your LO responds to. Charlie had a biting phase at nursery (about a year ago) and it was horrible and made worse by the fact you're not there to deal with it or to see how it was being dealt with by them.
Charlie's keyworker was excellent and we agreed on how it should be dealt with together - it took time but it worked eventually. As for your LO doing it in social situations, if for instance she does it at softplay (or wherever) just take her right out and home - and explain why your taking her home (I had to do this a couple of times - not fun) and really stick to it. Consistency is really important for situations like this and hopefully, eventually it will sink in and she will stop. Ask for more info on the '3 strikes' thing as well, as that doesn't sound right at all Good luck


Edit - there was a happydance smiley in there for some reason!! Taken it out now



 
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Old Dec 14th, 2011, 17:39 PM   3
brandonsgirl
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Hmm i dont really have any advice

Although i do wanna say good job on coming forward and asking for advise about this.. Many parents go into denial about their child being the 'bully' so to speak. And then the parents whose children are being picked on dont get anywhere.

I havent heard of the three strikes and your out either. Surely the nursery would be more interested in trying to avoid that and sort the situation rather then give an ultimatum and hope it sorts itself out otheriwise byebye. Seems very cold to me.

Its most likely just a form of frustration and upset within your child though. Maybe try talking to a specialist who knows how to divert these feelings into a different outlet. But your LO is young so i dont know how effective that will be. Surely your nursery should understand that all toddlers go through some phase simmilar to this. Its disturbing they arent more willing to help out.

I do hope you get it sorted. Im sure your LO isnt mallicious or anything, but rather doesnt know how to show her emotions in a better way

Keep us posted with your progress



 
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Old Dec 15th, 2011, 06:55 AM   4
Mum2b_Claire
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What Rosie said really. 3 strikes and you're out does not seem right to me at all. By the way, your child is not a bully nor is she picking on anyone, she's far too little for those defintions to be applied.



 
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Old Dec 15th, 2011, 12:35 PM   5
NuKe
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^ i was going to say the same. i'd never use the word "bully" to describe a child so young, even in a roundabout way. sometimes its just a phase hun and they grow out of it. a friend of mine, her daughter went through this phase and she literally tried EVERYTHING. drove her to the brink, especially comments and looks from judgemental parents who said things regarding what kind of "home" she must come from

what have u tried so far? i think the 3 strikes policy is an absolute JOKE.



 
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Old Dec 15th, 2011, 13:38 PM   6
bfphopeful
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I was in a store waiting with my little boy, 16months, when this boy who looked about 2-3 just attacked him. I told him to stop with a very stern voice. I told him not to lay his hands on my son because my son had done absolutely nothing to deserve the attack. The boy just looked at me and was so timid. What angered me though was the reaction of the 2 adult women he was with, I'm sure one was the mother. They totally ignored the situation. To me when adults behave that way it's a message to the young one that they don't have a problem with his behaviour and that he can carry on doing as he likes.

I'm glad you are the parent who is trying hard to stop your child from hurting other kids, because parents want to know that they are sending their kids to a safe and friendly environment. Good luck hey, kudos to you for coming out and trying to get help.



 
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Old Dec 15th, 2011, 13:49 PM   7
punk_pig
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I'm sure this is normal behaviour - it doesn't always even stem from frustration/anger (although these are common culprits) anything where there aren't words to describe an emotion such as extreme excitement can trigger these behaviours.

The nursery are surely paid to help solve issues like these as they are acting as her caregivers while you aren't there, they surely cant just say she's out if she wont stop but not give advice?!? Are they not aware of what has triggered it or noticed warning signs?

Is there perhaps an element of expecting your daughter to handle her emotions better because she is a good communicator? If so I'd remind the nursery that while she might have advanced language, her experience of emotions is as new to her as it is to any other child.

RE: how to proceed. I'm sure that time will help a lot but in the meantime I think you need to be very honest with her about your feelings, talk about how you feel, what you do with your feelings and why. She wont understand it all at first but it will be a good foundation for getting to grips with all these confusing feelings.



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Old Dec 15th, 2011, 13:50 PM   8
brandonsgirl
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I do apologize if i upset anyone with my comment including the name bully. I did not mean to imply that the OP child was a bully nor did i mean to imply any young child can or is being a bully. I was simply saying its that common scenerio where one child is in the wrong and one child is the one hurt. However automatically the child in the wrong becomes the 'bully'. And often many people involved in wrong side of the argument tend to go into denial that their child couldnt possibly be doing the slightest thing wrong. So i was i guess in a way, thanking the OP for taking the initiative to step up and say. Look guys my LO isnt being very nice, any ideas on how to help?

I hope i didnt offend anyone as i mentioned i didnt mean to point blame at any one child. Or call that child a bully. I was refering to that above scenerio.



 
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Old Dec 26th, 2011, 10:19 AM   9
flowers04
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hi all - so sorry i have not replied to any of your posts - its been a bit hectic

thank u all for your comments - no offence taken at all Brandonsgirl

to clear up the three strikes thing - my hubby misunderstood and thought that she would be kicked out - what they meant was that if she does something wrong three times then they give her a time out - phewww - i was relieved to hear that

we have been advised by hv to give her time out when she does something wrong and to say 'no' and ignore her - myself and hv believe that she behaves likes to seek attention

previosuly to this we would all try to explain to her that what she was doing was wrong -if both me and hubby were there we would both be telling her she was doing wrong- now when i look at it, we were all gving her lots of attention when she did something wrong. HV said to give her lots of praise when doing something good - this does make more sense

we are trying this and i have told nursery not to wait for her to do something wrong three times but to give her timeout after 1st offense

i will keep you updated with our progress - fingers crossed really hope this works

thanks again



 
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Old Dec 26th, 2011, 17:28 PM   10
BethK
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I think keeping the 3 strikes and you're in timeout would be better than going there straight away as you're letting her know there will be a consequence if she does it again, you're giving her a warning and therefore a chance to change her behaviour rather than punishment straight away.



 
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