I am not ready to be over here yet as expecting my first child in May but I am looking for some advice and just wanted to know if anyone on here could help me out or shed some light on jealousy especially between none siblings.
This will probs be a bit of a rant too.
Now I work with children and have done for 7 years now so I'm not afraid to put in place boundaries etc and I generally know how to deal with most situations. However jealousy is complete new to me and it's not something I've ever had to deal with before.
Now on my side of the family there is currently only my nephew who is 3 in June and our LO is due end of May. He is very excited and looking foreward to the baby arriving etc and has been since day one. I think he might express a little jealousy especially when my dad, his grandad has our LO but I think it's just because he has been the only one for 3 years nearly.
My concern lies with my OH niece who is 4 1/2 years olds. Now she is not the only one as she has a sister who is 9 months old. Now since her sister arrived she has expressed a lot of jealousy towards her sister and is forever tormenting her. She often screams and shouts that she wants her parents to get rid of her, put her in the bin etc.
However the jealousy takes a new extreme when it comes to OH's mum. Now from the day her sister was born she has always kicked up a fuss when her gran had her sister. She would deliberately ask her gran to do something with her so her gran would then pass her sister to someone else. Now we expected this initially but as her sister is 9 months old it is now getting much worse. She is even jealous of our dog and the minuet our dog is getting any attention of gran she deliberatly goes and pushes him off her knee etc and climbs on herself.
She won't leave her sister along and is forever tormenting her, agreviating her etc and generally being plain nasty.
Today for example we went to hers with her gran (she lives opposite gran) The LO was asleep in her mam's arms and so her gran took her from her mum (OH sister) so that she could go and explain to my OH what she wanted in her garden. The LO woke up and was upset so her gran was trying to settle her. OH niece deliberatly went and forced herself onto her grans knee and wouldn't sit still. The whole time her gran was trying to settle the younger one. She then swung around on her grans knee and narrowly missed kicking her sister in the face. She eventually won as her sister was handed back over to her mum and she got her gran to herself once again.
It didn't end there!!! The litte one was crawling around the floor playing contently but once again she was picking her up and generally just winding her up. She was told repeatedly to put her down and leave her alone.
Now OH niece was not at all impressed when we announced she would have a cousin to play with soon. She immediately said that gran was just her gran and no one elses. Now OH's mum has continued to say that as well as being her gran she is also her sisters gran and will soon be gran to our LO too. She isn't at all impressed.
She see's her gran daily as they live pretty close by. We live 20 min drive but get up as much as we can. I just know that when our LO arrives she will do everything in her power to make sure that her gran does not get to spend time with our LO. But more so I am worried that if her gran does have a hold of our LO she will scramble all over her grans knee etc and will do so until her gran passes LO to someone else. I'm really concerned that our LO is going to get hurt.
Now if it was my 2nd child and the elder one had reacted in this manner I would intervene and say something but she isn't mine. And she definately understands right from wrong and what she is doing. I'm not sure I will be able to hold my tongue though especially as our LO gets mobile and more active because I have seen and witnessed first hand how she treats her sister.
I know OH's sister and BIL should have been more firm with her but again it isn't my place to say anything to her or them about there parenting skills.
I'm getting so worked up just thinking about it that part of me does not even want to take my LO up there because of the way she behaves etc.
I know it's all jealousy but rather than getting better it is getting worse.
Anyone any tips or advice on how I can handle this without upsetting anyone?
See if that was my child behaving that way then I would be trying to nip the jealousy in the bud rather than letting her get her own way every time.
Maybe the elder one could have regular 1:1 time with her grandmother then when there are other children there it may make the jealousy less noticeable.
Could you sometimes see your mother without the other children being there?
Thank you for the reply
She gets an awful lot of 1:1 time with Grandmam without anyone else being there. She probs see's her Gran most days depending on her dad's working hours but she usually ends up spending 1 to 3 hours roughly 4 to 5 times a week just her and Gran.
If it was my child I would nip it in the bud too and wouldn't give into her demands and she would certainly be disciplined for hurting her younger siblling too.
There will be times when we get to see OH's mum without ther other grandchildren being there but I imagine for the first few months they will come over and visit while we are there too.
I would suggest maybe talking to OH's mum and seeing what she thinks of the situation. If she's in agreement with you then I would suggest that when she has your lo and your niece plays up that your MIL firmly tells niece that she has the baby and that's that.
It sounds to me that your MIL is almost encouraging the behaviour as she isn't being firm with her grand-daughter but giving in to her.
I may be totally off base here, but it sounds like this little girl isn't getting a lot of one on one time with her own mom and dad. Could that be the case?
At 4 1/2, she is still trying to figure out appropriate ways of dealing with frustration/jealousy/anger. Unfortunately, she is not going about it in the right way.
Perhaps you and your husband could offer to spend some time with her. You could take her for ice cream, color with her, or anything that is just time with her.
I'm sure she is afraid that her gran will be "taken away." That's gotta be a scary thought for a child of her age. It's probably up to gran also to remind her that she will always be her granddaughter and she is special because ... she is the first born, she is "x,y,z."
After you have your new baby, make a huge fuss about how wonderful of a cousin she is going to be. Express your excitement about all of the things she can teach your new baby - talking, walking, riding a bike, anything! Make her feel like she has a very special role.
I agree that this little girl is out of line. If my 4 1/2 daughter would have done anything like that after my son was born, I would have pulled her off Grandma's knee and put her butt in time out. It's completely unacceptable. That being said, it's not your place - you are right about that.
Try not to make a big fuss about "the new baby" after your little one arrives in front of her...it will certainly add fuel to the fire. Introduce her to your baby, ask if she'd like to have her picture taken with the baby, and leave it up to her. Don't get upset if she wants nothing to do with the baby. If she says anything nasty, tell her that makes you upset and it's not nice. She won't be like this forever though...at this age she is naturally very egocentric. Her maturity will come with time and other people's compassion.
My cousin was 3 years when his mum had his brother & I had Omar at the same time. He was extremely jealous of his brother (he's still jealous) but he never showed any jealousy towards Omar. My aunt is 18 years younger than my mum & my mum is like a mother to her. When we visit my aunt (around 3 times a week) my cousin gets excited when he sees Omar & he never showed any jealousy because of my mum's attention towards him.
I used to baby sit & I spent loads of time with him before having Omar. Until now he comes to our place & spends the whole day sharing toys & playing with my son. He's closer to Omar than his brother although they are the same age.
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