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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 19:13 PM   1
LifeAfterDepo
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The best and worst week of my life


The best and worst week of my life.

I originally was going to compose this as a happy story about my surprise + HPT, however I now write this with unstoppable tears running down my face and my fingers shaking to strike the correct keys.

For insight only, I am 24 years old, 5’2” and 120lb. My husband is 27 years old, 5’8” and 170lb. We are both fit, healthy individuals.

This experience began 6 weeks ago today, my LMP 7/25/13. The day before that my husband came home from work and we were packing to go on a weekend trip. Shortly after we come home, we planned to close on our first house.

We had just moved in the house a few days prior to my + OPK, all the other fertility signs I monitor were coming together with it.
Suspected ovulation CD17 (8/10/13).
Husband leaves to go back to work a few days after that. I continue to go about my business and try not to test earlier than I know I should even think about it. I do anyway, all negative.

13 days after suspected ovulation, I arrive to work and immediately am struck with anger. The witch came. Heavy bleeding started 8/23 lasting 2 days then light on the 3rd day. At this point, I’m pretty distraught that my luteal phase appears shortened.

I then start to spot here and there. I become even more pissed off. Is my body intentionally trying to torment me with this nonsensical bleeding?
I don’t remember what day it was but somewhere in between here, I decided to test. The faintest of faint pink lines shows up. I laugh at it. There’s no way, my eyes just love to imagine those faint lines. Just for good measure, I look at it again in the morning, its even darker. Well at this point one could argue evaporation line, but my eyeballs saw something the night before. I still am not phased by it because we have had evaporation lines before and so, I chose to believe I fell prey to the statistics of that because the witch had already appeared.

I kept the test because I am a neurotic person.

A few nights later, a friend was over and I decided to show her the test and her eyebrows immediately raise and she says hers did that early on. I still am not phased, the witch came already.

On 8/30 – which is 7 days after the witch came and 20 days after my last believed ovulation date – I am overwhelmed with nausea. Its about 6am, I’m on the way to work and contemplating taking an antiemetic. I decide to take the antiemetic. I text a coworker and let her know I may run a few minutes late, I have to stop to get something to eat. So you would think the suspense would be killing me to run and get a test, but it never even crossed my mind.
Weekend has arrived. Friends and I watch football games and hang out. I’m unusually tired. Figured, I had a long week at work, stressful stuff lately, just need some good rest. So I call it a Saturday night around 9pm.

Wake up on Sunday 9/1 and just feel “off.” I felt like I needed to take a test. My husband hates the line tests, he prefers the digitals where it isn’t up to the eye of the beholder. I had 1 line test left. I figure oh well use it up before he comes home, pee on it. I usually pee in a cup, this time I didn’t even care to. Left it on the counter. A few minutes water I walk past it and I’m shocked, astounded, and almost passed out. The line was so there it wasn’t even a joke.

I then do a crazy dance in an attempt to force whatever is left into my bladder to use up my last digital test. Because the husband only believes those. Digital confirms it.

I call my best friend in tears. (can’t reach husband at work). I was so happy. We finally had a little peanut. There is but one problem, I am still having this spotting. Being the neurotic person that I am, I Google. I calm my nerves realizing that spotting can be normal and it is not an alarming color or amount and no cramping. I finally get to tell husband, he is in disbelief until he sees the digital, then he is ecstatic as I am.

Labor day comes and goes. Spoke with nurse who advises me to take it easy and come in first thing 9/3 in the morning. I get a chance to talk to husband about how we should share the news and we make the decision to tell a few friends and close family. This decision came with my preparedness that things may not work out. And if it doesn’t work out, I will need the support of my loved ones. Not to mention, if they can see the struggles we go through, they may be more cautious when approaching us about when are we starting a family.

Tuesday 9/3. First ob/gyn appointment as a pregnant woman. I was glowing so much I’m surprised no one asked me what bronzer I had on. I’m thirsty, yawn every 5 seconds, I’m gassy. I’m loving every little pregnancy symptom. When nurse did office HPT she told me it turned positive instantly. Doctor congratulates me, checks cervix – looks good, reassures me the spotting is residual, draws blood and wishes me a good afternoon. Had some diarrhea off and on this day.

Wednesday 9/4. I’m at work and diarrhea strikes again. This time, I see an alarming color when I wipe. I take a moment, collect myself, and reassure myself that it wasn’t a lot and no cramping. Let’s watch it and see what happens. About 30 minutes later, I was standing up and felt something. I panic and go to the bathroom and see a quarter sized amount of reddish blood. I immediately burst into tears and call the nurse. She advises me to go home and keep my feet up as the blood work isn’t back yet.

9/4 ends and no blood work has resulted. I am upset, but calm myself by knowing I haven’t had any more red bleeding, no cramps.

9/5 comes. The nurse calls me in the morning and says my progesterone is very low and the HCG is 160. At this point, one could say I’m “6 weeks” according to LMP, though I don’t ovulate on CD14, so in protective manner I agree with her that one HCG needs another HCG to be compared to. She doesn’t tell me the progesterone number, I know low is low and I’ll probably need supplements. So I anxiously go get another HCG drawn, nurse orders it stat. Lab says they have 4 hours to result it back to the doctor. I get a call around 4pm.

The HCG dropped to 85 and she reluctantly tells me the progesterone on Tuesday was 2.9. Knowing I am a RN and have been TTC for a little while, she knows I understand what all the above means. We have few moments of silence and I begin to cry. The nurse I have come to adore and trust tries to reassure me there is a future still.

She reminds me that we know my husband and I are capable of conceiving that is a good thing.
She reassures me that even though the progesterone was a mere 2.9, it could have been higher and just now dropping with impending menstruation. We will never know.
She reassures me that mother nature has a way of taking care of things as they are meant to be and right now this is what needs to happen.

As a RN and a neurotic TTC, I cry to her and ask is it really over? She knows I know the answer. I tell her, I just have to hear it. She gets silent and reminds me of what I already know to be true, my little peanut has angel wings.

I hang up the phone and lay here and cry. I cannot help but think about the little peanut and what happened. I wish I could have seen my little peanut on an ultrasound next week as planned, I wish I could have known if my little peanut was a boy or a girl.

My husband tries to call me on the satellite phone and he can’t hear me. I am left to message him this news. The man I love so much doesn’t understand female physiology or pregnancy and what HCG means. I do my best to explain.

He asks if there is anything we can do to make it go back up. I tenderly try to explain why that can’t happen.

He asks if there is any hope left or if I can get another test tomorrow. I admire my husband’s attempts to understand. He knows I don’t ever give up. I explain this is the end of this experience.

The amazing man I love so much tells me that we can keep trying. We have to get past this and be strong. He reassures me there is nothing we can do differently but try and do everything we can do make it successful. For this, I love him even more.

I’m laying here in shock and disbelief that this has been the worst and best week of my life. I never got to see my little peanut’s face, though we shared a few beautiful moments together. I would lay in the bathtub and stare at my belly and wonder if it’s a boy or a girl. Every wave of nausea or food aversion, I would smile and think wow we have a picky eater in there. My precious cargo.

I was excited to write this as a positive inspiration to those TTC to show that when you really don’t think it is going to happen, it will. Now I write this in tears because my joy has been taken from me. Every time I saw angel wings on someone’s profile a part of me ached for them. Now I feel a whole new level of sadness.

If you took the time to read this and are TTC, just know that there are ups and downs. Know that you need to communicate well with your significant other. Know that it is okay to share your experiences with those that love you. Sharing this experience with my coworkers has brought me a whole new appreciation for how close knit of a group we are and they have been nothing short of amazing. It was painful to go back to my family and tell them that May 1st 2014 is no longer a date to be on the calendar. They most respectfully shared condolences.

I chose to continue to share this experience openly so that anyone else in a similar boat as me can know they are not alone. As a nurse I tell patients, we don’t always get the answers we want. I now must listen to my own advice.

I want you to know that sharing this experience with those that love you will make them better able to see what you are going through. I want you to know that our peanut angels were still our babies no matter how young they were. I think that next time someone asks me if I have any children, I’ll answer them with yes. I have one angel that wasn’t ready to meet the world yet. It was never a child that I was able to rock to sleep, kiss their forehead or teach them how to walk. I loved my unborn baby more than you can imagine. Love from the moment I knew my peanut existed.

Stay strong.



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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 20:12 PM   2
UnderPressure
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So sorry. I'm having a very similar experience to the one you're describing, except that I haven't tested because I'm afraid of both positive and negative results right now with the bleeding.



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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 20:27 PM   3
LifeAfterDepo
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Thank you for listening... mind if I ask what kind of bleeding you're having and when was your LMP?



 
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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 21:16 PM   4
GeLiNeisMe
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Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through. Your story hit me personally as I too am a nurse and have been TTC for a while. I'm sure that your little peanut is watching over you from heaven and loves you too.

Don't lose hope. Like the nurse said, you know you can conceive. You also have such a loving and supportive husband. Your little one will give you strength.



 
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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 21:23 PM   5
LifeAfterDepo
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Being a nurse makes it 10x harder because we over analyze, over think, respond to every little symptom. I ramble off medical jumbo to my husband and he just gives me this look and then I'm like ok, let me rewind...
I'm so thankful he is supportive and putting forth his best optimistic abilities here. He comes home next week. Until then I hope my body begins to clear itself so we can begin a new journey. That is the hardest part right now... to feel so excited and blessed to finally have a growing peanut to have it taken away so soon. I felt purposeful when I was positively pregnant... now I feel broken.
I know grieving will take some time. Now my fear will be questioning BFPs and clinging to my nurse and doc for betas.

I hope you get your beautiful BFP in a few days and it is a sticky bean



 
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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 21:48 PM   6
babydust818
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Hey sweety. I saw your comment on my post. I just read your story. I am so sorry for everything you're going through. I am not an RN, but i do know so much about TTC. After my 1st miscarriage i read up on everything there is to know and am very educated in the TTC department now. Your story reminds me of parts of my 1st and 2nd (current miscarriage). Unbelievable. It's so hard to be so excited and hyped up about being a mom and it being taken away quicker than it can all sink in. It's so unfair. I feel so cheated. It hurts. I'm here if you need to vent. I'm around your age (25) so that helps too!



 
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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 21:54 PM   7
LifeAfterDepo
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I'm just struggling now to wish my body would move on with the bleeding. My progesterone was 2.9 on Tuesday, that is so insanely low I'm surprised I'm not bleeding already.
Yesterday, I knew something wasn't right when the nausea was curbing, my breasts weren't feeling as sore. Now my breasts hurt again. I'm pretty progesterone sensitive, like clock work the soreness kicks in post ovulation. Up and down symptoms are so terrible.
My husband comes home in 5 days and I hope I'm in better spirits. We just made a month in our new house and have a lot of things to do together. I just know the second I see someone with a bump or newborn I'm going to bawl. He's being supportive, I know he's going to keep his spirits up to keep mine up. I know it's his baby too and he's just as attached and upset as I am but he's not laying here waiting for a little lifeless peanut to make its way out. It's sheer agony.



 
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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 22:07 PM   8
babydust818
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My OH truly doesn't understand the whole process as much as i'd like him to. I know it's because the baby is connected to me because well.. we're carrying it! Immediately you get attached. It's crazy. Whenever you see a pregnant woman, a baby, or the baby section at the store... it's gonna be sucking the life out of you. It's been 2 years since my 1st miscarriage and that feeling only gets stronger the longer you have to wait. The fact some people can conceive so quickly aggravates me as well. Took OH and i 2 years to conceive again after the 1st miscarriage. So hard to move forward when you're still waiting to miscarry. I think about it every day. I found out 8 days ago that it wasn't going in the right direction and the fact i may have to wait until i'm 12 weeks scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want to have to wait that long to miscarry naturally. Right now i'm 8 weeks. Technically 7 weeks from what i think was O. So to have to wait 4-5 more weeks.... no.... not happening. I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor tmrw as what to do and where to go from here. I can't help but have that little spark of hope that things have turned since a week ago, but that is a lot of miracle on God's part. It's so hard. All of it. Nothing about it is easy. It's actually unbelievable how many ppl miscarry. It's also unbelievable how many people treat their miscarriage as just 'another day'. Doesn't matter if you're 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 8 weeks, etc i feel like a miscarriage is a miscarriage. It's hard no matter what. Especially when it's what you want more than anything......

sorry for the rambling.



 
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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 22:30 PM   9
UnderPressure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LifeAfterDepo View Post
Thank you for listening... mind if I ask what kind of bleeding you're having and when was your LMP?
LMP was on 8/5. On 8/31 I began having very scant old blood spotting... samd 9/1. 9/2 I passed some blood/tissue in the morning, then nothing the rest of the day. 9/3 more very scant old blood, 9/4 another clump of blood/tissue in the am and nothing for the rest of the day, today 9/5 more old blood spotting. Very minor cramps but not even to where I'd say they're uncomfortable. Cycles have been running about 35 days--not always exactly spot on, but always more than 30. I always have very heavy periods and very painful cramping....but this time, none of that. Hope that answers your question.

Will be thinking of you and your peanut, and hoping that things work out for you this next month.



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Old Sep 5th, 2013, 22:31 PM   10
LifeAfterDepo
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Not rambling at all, we have the exact same thoughts right now. I'm feeling less and less alone talking to you and others on here struggling past their losses.

Just last week I found out a cousin is pregnant with #2 and I wanted to cry. When I got that BFP on Sunday, I felt so proud of myself, my body, my husband. Now I just am questioning what went wrong. I know the significant amount of early loss is due to chromosome abnormalities, probably incompatible with life. It's just astounding to think at how common M's really are. I just can't type the word, it's break my heart to pieces.

I asked the nurse if she felt we may be able to try this time hubs is home if the M goes naturally and HCG drops. She said possibly and thats why I need to come in tomorrow. She knows I'm strong willed and determined. We already planned for an HCG check next Thursday. She did he waits till it hits 0 to tell patients it's safe to try again but very patient is unique. I have a list of questions already.

The real complicated thing we have is my husband's work schedule. The 4 weeks off and 4 weeks home cuts our chances in half. At my first appt with my new doc he said that technically automatically puts us in the difficult to conceive category based on that alone. That is why he was cool with IUI on the months I ovulate when hubs is at work. We were going to freeze the goods his last trip home but since I ovulated I said lets just wait and see how this plays out. Well now we know.
And now I have to find out how the IUI fits in the picture with a M occurring.

Now would be the time most who don't understand would tell me to calm down and it will happen when it's meant to be. And that is such an unfair statement with all we have going on.

So frustrated. I feel I've progressed into the anger state of grieving.



 
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