First, you may be asking how I know you are a man and not a woman. After all, I am not writing to Mrs. Universe. I know you are a man and not a woman, because no woman could have possibly have designed the human reproductive system as it currently is and thought that it was good idea! Let me be more clear.
You forgot to install a light on my forehead that blinks "Ovulating now" (much like the "Hot Doughnuts" sign at Krispy Kreme). The only way this is going to work is if I know when my egg shoots out. Mr. Universe, all you can give me is vague guidelines. I can POAS and find out when my LH surge is, but then ovulation is 12 to 48 hours after the surge. Really?!? That's as much as you can narrow it down? I could temp, but I can't sleep with my mouth open, I can't have the room too hot or too could. I can't wait a fraction of a second too long or my temps are off. Seriously? Mr. Universe...this is the best you can come up with? Don't even get me started on the cycles I have 5 days (yes F.I.V.E. days) of positive opks. What's up with that? Is that your idea of a practical joke? It's not funny.
Now let's move on to how long my egg lives, 12 to 24 hours. Wow. Gee. I have to wait 28 days and then I get a whole 12 hours to make a baby. Mr. Universe, you have been so generous and kind by giving me TWELVE whole hours!! What do I do if I'm SLEEPING during those 12 hours? A girl has to have her beauty rest you know. What if hubby is out of town?
It's not like I don't have millions of eggs in there. Why can't you just make one shoot out every day until I get pregnant? Huh? Is that too much to ask?
Mr. Universe, I have not forgotten how you made AF and pregnancy symptoms BE THE EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS. Yeah, you didn't slip that one past any of us here at BnB. We're onto you!! Pregnancy symptoms were either an ill conceived (pun not intended) concept on your part or an evil plan you devised to torture us from month to month. Which is it? Hmmmm???????
Mr. Universe, you also made our DH's clueless!!! Did you really think the male mind was capable of understanding our angst when we got that BFN month after month? I know they try to say sensitive things but really, dudes are not cut out to live life in two week increments with us obsessing over babies all the time.
Let this serve as notice that I think you, Mr. Universe, suck and I want a redo on all things baby making!!
Oh, and by the way MR. UNIVERSE, why is is that you have also designed our reproductive system to be so damn expensive! When I have my period, I have to buy tampons. When I was in my late teens and twenties I had to buy birth control pills. Now, I have to buy pregnancy tests, vitamins, opk tests, a basal thermometer, a subscription to fertility friend, AND tampons since you won't give me my freakin BFP.
If I don't get my BFP this month, I am billing you for all of the above and figuring in interest - 20% for each of the 10 months I have been TTC. Pay up or give me my BFP!
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