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Old Dec 8th, 2012, 09:22 AM   1
lexus15
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Lack of intimacy & dtd


My oh doesn't want to dtd hardly ever. I have to literally beg/ask every month & usually get told he's 'tired' or 'tomorrow' which never comes for me He knows HE has control over this area & that I'll ask, but a few months ago I thought f**k this & never asked thinking he would want to get intimate, nope he wasn't bothered at all. Alongside this he's also stopped taking his Wellman vits saying it's giving him an upset stomach (he'd been taking it for a year with no previous problems). I'm slowly resenting him more, as it seems he wants to sabatoge us having the chance of another baby.

He's 44 with a sex drive of a 90 year old, I've have tried sexy underwear in the past but it doesn't excite him and I felt very foolish. When asked he will agree he wants another child but how does he expect it to happen if we dtd? It's not possible to use the cup & syringe method as he doesn't like to masturbate & must be the only man that doesn't. He'd prefer to spend hours on his laptop doing work, football or playing games than be intimate with me.

When I've tried to talk about this he clams up, but he did mention that when he wanted to be intimate with me I used to push him away, this was at least 15 years ago..what an excuse

We have a fertility checkup in the next few weeks to find out if we want to do IVF (can't afford it) as IUI, injections & clomid never worked. I explained to him that I'll be mentioning his lack of sex drive to the docs to see if there is any way they can help.

I am angry & frustrated at myself that I have resorted asking for sex (whether it's to make a baby or not) & that he feels no way to turn me down. I'm also saddened as I come to realise that I may never carry & hold my second child & our 18 year daughter may never have a sibling.

How do you other ladies cope with this?? It's such a huge burden on my shoulders which I constantly think about & question why I'm living with such a selfish man.



 
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Old Dec 8th, 2012, 10:13 AM   2
Zeri
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Oooh, I could have written your post! I'm in the same shoes too. DH is 44 and has low sex drive (I think his testosterone is low), so we hardly ever dtd. Most times it's just 2-3 times at month at the most. I think last month was a grand total of 2 times and this cycle we haven't BD at all yet, and I'm on CD18. I O'd already (on CD16) and don't have a chance in hell this month because of lack of BD. I tried initiating nearly every day this week - on Monday he was too tired and said we'll BD on Tuesday. But from Tuesday night onwards we was busy with meeting and came in late every night and was too tired to dtd when I asked. So O came and went with nothing. And to make it worse, this was my last Clomid cycle too... When I think that I just had my last Clomid cycle and I don't even a chance this cycle it just makes me .

I so feel your pain. Most times I have to initiate BD, especially when it's around O. To be fair to DH, I don't tell him when I'm O'ing or share anything with him ttc-related, because I don't think he'll take well to the pressure. It's hard enough for him to want BD, I just worry that the pressure of ttc might make everything worse. But it's hard when I'm in a fertile time and he turns me down too, and then O just goes by with nothing. I've ad so many cycles like this..too many to count! It's so hard to be rejected..especially in the fertile period. I'm so tired of begging too...makes me feel so pathetic.

I also have a daughter who just made 3....I had hoped to be able to give her a sibling by now.. (was pregnant in July 2011 but miscarried at 81/2 weeks). I'm 36 now and worry that my time will run out and that I'll never be able to give her a brother or sister, or experience having another baby, which I want so bad.

Anyway, sorry for rambling... just wanted to say that I completely feel where you're coming from. And it is hard to cope when you just want a baby so bad. Have you ever tried your DH on libido boosting supplements? DH and I were taking Maca before and it helped...but then he stopped taking them because he felt they were causing him to have a pain in his side. I'm trying to get him to take them again.

It's good that you guys have a fertility appt coming up. Hopefully the docs will be able to recommend something for his sex drive. I believe that if he and my DH's sex drive was better ttc wouldn't be such a chore! Finger s crossed for you!



 
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Old Dec 8th, 2012, 14:24 PM   3
Suzy_Q
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I've had the same problem... not ashamed to say it but porn dvds work for me. Just pop them in and let the good times roll ;-)



 
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Old Dec 9th, 2012, 10:50 AM   4
lexus15
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He's such a prude he doesn't or won't watch porn, maybe our blokes are this way as they are approaching middle age?

We haven't tried Maca but he can just about take a Wellman vit every few days. Is it a powder? Maybe I could add it to his plate of dinner & he'll never know

Feel free to pm me should you want to express yourself rather than at our OH's



 
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Old Dec 10th, 2012, 07:56 AM   5
Zeri
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Yes, I guess it's an age-related thing with guys over 40. I hear about it a lot on these boards. Still, maybe it doesn't have to be this way? I don't know if I"m quite ready for an asexual relationship at age 36. I think supplements can definitely help. It's unfortunate your DH doesn't like taking pills, but yes, maca is sold in powder form as well and can be mixed in foods and drinks, like smoothies. I hear the black maca is especially powerful.

I'm thinking of ordering some Horny Goat WEed for DH - from reading about it online it helps a lot with libido, but it also can have a few side effects. I'm hoping he would be willing to take it - something really needs to change for the better.



 
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Old Dec 10th, 2012, 16:20 PM   6
Briss
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are you sure you are not taking about my DH? sounds awfully familiar

porn does not really help us, I am the one who keeps magazines at home and practically force him to look through... never thought that would be my life at this point

I've given him maca, Horny Goat Weed and all the rest of it, no effect whatsoever. I am beginning to think it's psychological, he is probably resisting me and this whole TTC thing.



 
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Old Dec 11th, 2012, 14:27 PM   7
Blythe
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Yeah ladies what makes me laugh is when girls say they got pregnant when they were taking a break....well clearly they werent because the had sex around the time they ovulated! If we had a break from ttc we wouldnt dtd for ages (particulary when its this cold!). Spontanious sex is something we used to do....ttc has put an end to that malarky!



 
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Old Dec 11th, 2012, 14:37 PM   8
Zeri
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Blythe - same thing here. If I don't initiate then it'll probably be months. We haven't sex now for about 3 1/2 weeks... I wish I could be like one of those girls who doesn't have to try but just gets pregnant...! Ha! That'll never happen in my world!

Briss, sorry to hear that nothing works on your DH. DO you usually manage to get any BD in during your fertile window?

AFM - Just got some HOrny Goat Weed for DH. I'm hoping he'll be open to taking it and that it will help.



 
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Old Dec 11th, 2012, 16:08 PM   9
Briss
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I make hubby BD during my fertile window, whatever it takes. I can get really upset if he refuses and over 2 years we have been TTC I've made scenes, threatened with divorce, forced him etc so I guess it's partly my fault that he now does not feel like doing it ever. i mean we still do 1-3 times a month during my fertile period but he clearly does not enjoy it



 
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Old Dec 11th, 2012, 16:23 PM   10
lexus15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Briss View Post
I am beginning to think it's psychological, he is probably resisting me and this whole TTC thing.
I think this is my OH...He 'agrees' with me on certain things & makes the appropriate comments with ttc #2 but psychologically I feel that he doesn't 'really' want another child.

I've tried all sort of ways to get him to admit to this but so far he's avoided being truthful. I'd rather the truth that he doesn't want another baby rather than the half assed once a month attempt (if i'm lucky).

I'm going to look into buying maca, Briss where did you order yours?




 
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